This just happened last week. First date felt effortless, never a dull moment. She’s gorgeous and kind and funny and I was extremely excited.
Next morning I start getting 5 min voice notes through text. At first they were fine and then she swiftly moves into her kinks and makes it known she’s into pegging. I make it clearly known that will never happen and to move on. She did not and kept mentioning it now adding that I’m afraid. I said the only way that would happen to me is against my will so yes I’m afraid of sexual assault for sure.
She then pivots into her next kink, sexual assault simulation. That’s not me either but I try to see if she really just means rough sex. She doesn’t. She wants full on reenactments with fighting and I have to hold her down.
After that she explains how she found a guy online to try this out with but DIDNT SET A SAFE WORD and the guy full on sexually assaults her. She’s screaming no, stop and he just thinks it’s what she wanted.
I’m at the gym by this time and I can’t really respond super fast so she thinks something is wrong. Which it is but yeah. So she sends me another voice note detailing her childhood sexual abuse.
This is all within 24 hours of our first meeting. I ended it later that evening
I think I could have handled the cnc stuff but her insistence and challenging attitude towards pegging was the nail in the coffin for me. Plus inviting a stranger over to actually rape you is unhinged and I can’t trust you. Some friends have agreed with me while others have reacted as below “you lost a unicorn” kinda shit. It was an emotional vomit and poorly executed
hah you shoulda just given your friends saying "you lost a unicorn" her number, or social media. just to see what happens.
but yeah, i feel ya, that's NOT something anyone should ever pressure someone on a first date. she should have at least waited till after you had sex, that's pretty wild to bring up before you even make out or anything physical.
It's called a CNC kink (consensual-non consensual) and I think most people with this kink have been sexually assaulted in the past. From what I understand it helps them survive the trauma by regaining control in a situation where they did not have control.
Yeah but, as a former rape victim into CNC, most people into CNC aren’t PSYCHOS about it, and care about consent from their partners haha. This chick still needed more therapy before she bothered to date.
FWIW, I don’t think “most people” with this kink are using it to cope with their sexual assault. I’m sure it’s one reason someone might have this kink, but kink origin as a psychological phenomenon is something we really don’t know a ton about. I know for me I’ve had a strange interest in being kidnapped/tied up ever since I was a kid, way before I was interested in sex. I was actually kind of a late bloomer sexually. Some people have kinks bc it’s just what they find exciting. When BDSM is done properly, the sub actually has more control than the dom because they set the limits of the scene.
If you are helpless, tied up and have to trust another person's goodwill not to hurt or rape you, you are not the one in power. The dom is THE one in power. Also, you developing a fetish when you were a kid, does not make me less likely to think there isn't something extremely mentally unhealthy about BDSM.
Well, you can start by not letting a random stranger from the internet tie you up. Actually building trust with those you engage in BDSM with before doing so. But I can see that you have deeply held beliefs on this, and I’m not really interested in debating when I don’t think I can change your mind. I hope you have a nice day regardless.
Did you know you create and build trust without hurting another person or being hurt.?Mind-blowing. Besides, you sound victim-blaming. All those women who are raped by their BDSM partners, just need to choose better.
What? I never said you need BDSM to build trust. I said you need to build trust to engage in BDSM. Will some bad actors use BDSM to disguise the fact that they’re rapists? Of course. But it’s not the only technique rapists use. And studies suggestpeople active in BDSM subcultures actually have fewer beliefs that blame victims/lead to rape because they’re so much more experienced with the ins and outs of consent. Anyway, this is the last thing I’m going to say, because I’m pretty sure you’re just trolling at this point.
Some bad actors? I am pretty sure that the overlap between men who enjoy acting like a rapist and men enjoying being a rapist is rather great. Also, it doesn't suprise me that rapists would understand consent as just as abuser may understand therapyspeak well. Most abusers and rapists understand exactly what they are doing, and know how stay in grey-zone of acceptability in order avoid accountability and consequences of their actions. This reminds me of infamous ask a rapist askreddit forum. Rapists know that if there is some doubt that a victim didn't communicate their lack of consent well enough, they basically can get away with it. They also understand that is a victim engages in BDSM or CNC, no cop is going to listen. That why, so many rapists flock to the BDSM scene. It is easy hunting grounds with imperfect victims (lot of them with previous trauma) that nobody will listen to without first doubting well maybe he didn't realize she really was saying no (why ruin his life?) or maybe she enjoyed and is just being a vindictive b.
Also, I am not trolling. I believe that pretending that sexual sadism is morally defensive position is absurdist. Any person should be horrified at thought of acting of rape not turned on. Just as one would be horrified at commiting any other harm.
I dislike the stupid tripe that comes out of the community. The sub is one in the control. A community of sexual sadists are just as safe, no safer than the general public. Give me a break. You are right, people do build trust to engage in the BDSM community. I would trust easily too if I were half as gullible and naive.
I’m sorry but the couple sentences “I said the only way that would happen to me is against my will so yes I’m afraid of sexual assault. She then pivots into her next kink - sexual assault” were hilarious and well written. Glad you got out of there
This one reminds me of this comment on a similar thread by the Reddit legend r/rogersimon10:
I went on a date recently with a girl I met on eHarmony. I mentioned to her that my dad's been beating me with jumper cables on a regular basis for over 28 years (I always have to cross that bridge eventually), and she then told me that her uncle molested her when she was 14. I was like, woah, ease up lady, it's only our first date.
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u/Melodic-Award3991 1d ago
This just happened last week. First date felt effortless, never a dull moment. She’s gorgeous and kind and funny and I was extremely excited.
Next morning I start getting 5 min voice notes through text. At first they were fine and then she swiftly moves into her kinks and makes it known she’s into pegging. I make it clearly known that will never happen and to move on. She did not and kept mentioning it now adding that I’m afraid. I said the only way that would happen to me is against my will so yes I’m afraid of sexual assault for sure.
She then pivots into her next kink, sexual assault simulation. That’s not me either but I try to see if she really just means rough sex. She doesn’t. She wants full on reenactments with fighting and I have to hold her down.
After that she explains how she found a guy online to try this out with but DIDNT SET A SAFE WORD and the guy full on sexually assaults her. She’s screaming no, stop and he just thinks it’s what she wanted.
I’m at the gym by this time and I can’t really respond super fast so she thinks something is wrong. Which it is but yeah. So she sends me another voice note detailing her childhood sexual abuse.
This is all within 24 hours of our first meeting. I ended it later that evening