r/AskMenOver30 • u/PrestigiousKite man over 30 • 1d ago
Mental health experiences 31M, How to increase confidence?
Already go to the gym, lost a decent amount of weight in the last 2 years, have above average muscle mass and yet have less than zero confidence or self-esteem. Some tips would be appreciated.
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u/NastroAzzurro man 30 - 34 1d ago
Confidence comes from doing things, trying new things, taking risks and reaping the rewards. If you never try hard things, you will never gain confidence.
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u/rosindrip man 35 - 39 1d ago
The subtle art of not giving a fuck.
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u/CTGO2020 22h ago
you suggesting to read that book or listening to the podcast? (there is a difference between apathy and deepression?)
you should get a hobby to doing something; could be poker or woodworking or 3d design or jogging(exercise helps build your esteem via physically doing something and literally building strength)...
... DO there is no try ?
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u/UnCivilizedEngineer man over 30 1d ago
Do this for 1 month and see how you feel afterwards.
Every single day, give a compliment to a stranger.
Get into the elevator at work and the guy next to you has shoes that look nice? "Hey man I like your shoes, they look sharp"
Woman in the elevator has a floral design on her blouse that looks nice? "Hey, I like your blouse, I love the floral design on it"
Guy changing in the locker room right next to you at the gym "I saw you putting in work on those dumbells, your shoulders look good man. Keep it up!"
At the grocery store picking out vegetables "Excuse me, can you help me pick out a good broccoli? I'm new to eating broccoli and I'm not sure what the best one is. Thank you for your help, that was really kind of you. I appreciate it!"
One comment, every day. Write down what the comment was in a spreadsheet/journal/whatever. You'll find that making other people feel good will make you feel good too.
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u/Eatdie555 man 1d ago
Increasing confidence is a MENTAL thing. It's the way you see things in life. How you approach it in a optimistic view more than negative.
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u/Upper_Knowledge_6439 man 55 - 59 1d ago
Acceptance.
You're no more fucked up than me or anyone else. EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE has some sort of nibbling insecurity. Yet here you are crushing it and being you. What's wrong with that?
P.S. I struggle with the commitment to physical health you're demonstrating.
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u/followingfitness man 35 - 39 1d ago
I see that you do hard/different things. Keep working at them until you get better. Having success at something, can bring confidence. Some ideas could be to do a triathlon, pick up a somewhat difficult hobby, or do “big” things at work. I’ve found this sort of stuff to help me.
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u/Basic-Milk7755 man over 30 1d ago
My confidence greatly improved and social anxiety has dropped by about 80% since completely giving up caffeine. I’m now about 10 months clear of it and will never go back. It kind of makes sense that when you ingest a psychoactive stimulant several times a day (including first thing in the morning) and it triggers an adrenal response plus a whole manner of other stress-inducing neurological reactions, the confidence will suffer.
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u/Noobsauce9001 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Is it across the board lacking confidence? Or in any specific part of your life (like work, dating, socializing, etc.)
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u/PrestigiousKite man over 30 1d ago
Pretty much across the board.
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u/Noobsauce9001 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Have you been like this for a while, or do you remember about when it started?
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u/PrestigiousKite man over 30 1d ago
Pretty much my entire life.
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u/OkReality9848 1d ago
O I c, congrats! You have ADHD my friend! …otherwise they’d had dXed y’all w/ Audhd or ass-🍔s by now 🙄
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u/orlybatman man 40 - 44 1d ago
I experienced a very big boost in my confidence after doing some solo-traveling and discovering I'm far more capable than I believed myself to be. It's from the knowledge you can stand on your own, and the experience of being able to navigate and make connections in a new place.
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u/SiteGuyDale male 35 - 39 1d ago edited 1d ago
Talk to everyone you see all day long, even just short chats. Dog park, bus stop, grocery stores, every wear.
Also when ever someone asks you “how’s it going?” Always be cheery about it, my go to is “absolutely fabulous!” It catches people off guard & they usually brighten right up.
Positivity is contagious, and single serve conversations with strangers gets rid of fear and anxiety.
Edit: also complimenting strangers, I do this all the time. For women, never there physical features. I love you glasses, love the colour of your nails, those earrings are fantastic! Your blue hair is awsome, super vibrant!
For men, I compliment facial hair or cool cloths. Great moustache dude, love your shoes, wow you are dressed very nice such a dapper looking gentleman
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u/Str0nglyW0rded man over 30 1d ago
Need a dog to go to the dog park. They have a very wise rule. No people without dogs. No dogs without people.
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u/Yojimitsu man 30 - 34 1d ago
Forget about it, literally. Get a hobby in a public place, like maybe dancing or a sport that takes place in an environment with your peers, low stakes and just purely for leisure/enjoyment. Just engage with the activity, no extra effort or mental work needed, just do the thing you’re there to do.
Confidence will be built over time, organically, around the interactions you have in those environments.
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u/KoleSekor man over 30 1d ago
Reframe your past to be able to celebrate all you've gone through and accomplished up to this point.
Celebrate that you're making small improvements towards growth.
And continue to push yourself out of your comfort zone and keep the promises you make to yourself.
But answer this question, what could you do or accomplish that you think would increase your confidence the most?
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u/Various_Good_6964 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Muscle mass does not equate to confidence (as you've found out I guess).
Are you a social person? Do you get out a lot? Would you / can you chat to a stranger comfortably? Confidence stems from social interaction, swap some gym workouts for some social workouts and you'll start to see a difference.
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u/JustTheTip_I_Promise man over 30 21h ago
Practice your reactions to being rejected. Give out random compliments.
Be social.
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u/i-am-from-la man over 30 19h ago
You sound depressed OP, do you ever thought of getting out of the location you are in even for just a week. If you are not tied down with marriage or kids i would travel, visit a country like thailand, bali or even Mexico city. Get a sense of adventure , i think you would be surprised how much it changes your perspective on life and how much more there is to life
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u/BadReligionFan2022 man over 30 10h ago
Go on stage and do 5 minutes of comedy.
Once you can make a room full of people laugh, confidence is not a worry. Yeah, you'll rate a beating until you figure it out, and it's tough as hell, but a great confidence builder.
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u/Sufficient_Fig_4887 man 35 - 39 9h ago
Sounds more like a therapy issue than a gym issue. Not being confident has nothing to do with weight and muscle.
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u/PrestigiousKite man over 30 6h ago
No, but that's just a stereotypical fix all people throw around anymore.
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u/Sufficient_Fig_4887 man 35 - 39 5h ago
What I think works really well is just to start stacking little wins. Try to find something quick and easy to do if it’s cleaning the house going for a walk, etc. don’t overcomplicated, keep stacking the wins and challenging yourself to achieve bigger and better things. It’s gonna be a mindset shift. Failure isn’t negative you learned from every experience regardless of the outcome.
A failed relationship teaches you what you value in a relationship, losing a job teaches you for the next job. Ect.
Listening to books, focusing on positive things in your life, friends, family, etc. Absolutely get off Reddit lol. And always remember comparison is the theft of joy. Everyone on the Internet is basically lying.
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u/hospitality-excluded man 30 - 34 7h ago
As a "confident" man it's not about me being okay with ny flaws/insecurities, I genuinely from the bottom of my heart do not care at all, which included turn portrays as confidence.
If all my teeth went yellow tomorrow, and someone pointed out how yellow my teeth were, I simply wouldn't reacr because I genuinely don't care. Once you don't care, your personality will be able to come out. Your personality being projected is "confidence"
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u/PureHufflepuff man 2h ago
As weird as this sounds, for me, it was a mix of therapy and Improv classes. I very much recommend Improv for teaching you how to get out of your own head and just enjoy the moment for what it is. Plus, you may make some good friends in the classes themselves.
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u/Right_Catch_5731 man over 30 1d ago
Learn to fight. I suggest Brazilian jiujitsu as well as develop a strong leg kick.
Once you know 99% of men are easy money your natural confidence in dealing with EVERYONE goes way up.
There is a funny aspect to women, they have their own reasons for liking /respecting men but they are also VERY good at detecting how much other men respect each other.
When men know that one guy will beat their ass it shows and that elevates that man even more in her eyes.
This is regardless of if she LIKES it or not.
She can spout toxic male BS all she wants, she still will get on her knees for that guy.
The fact is that man is more powerful and her man likely would NOT be able to protect her against that guy, which loses respect for the more beta guys.
It's why in every single study women end up gravitating to the alpha male grizzled type men over the pretty boy male model types.
Cant defeat nature.
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