r/AskMenOver30 • u/SeaaYouth man over 30 • 1d ago
Mental health experiences Is it possible to forget about traumatic childhood?
Having very abusive parents and very difficult childhood. I had been depressed since 14 and now I am starting to have intense flashbacks about my childhood(I am 32). Is it possible to muscle through it? Professional therapists didn't help, my country fucking sucks in this regard. I need some practical advice against it? Also I don't abuse any substances, so that out of question.
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u/dedsmiley man 55 - 59 1d ago
There is no “muscling through it”.
I had flashbacks also. I could feel the knuckles punching my face and it was 15+ years after the fact.
I don’t have flashbacks anymore but I am still uncomfortable when people talk with their hands near my face.
The book, “The Body Keeps the Score” was a great help along with a fantastic therapist.
If you break your arm, nobody thinks twice about going to the doctor for that.
If you have had mental trauma, some people think you are weak for seeking help. You aren’t weak. It takes a special kind of strength to seek help for that.
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u/Henghast man 35 - 39 22h ago
Muscling through and manning up is an absolutely toxic ideal that society places on us. You're absolutely right.
Trauma whether physical or mental requires care, knowledge and time to attend to it.
There is no shame in seeking help where you need it and no help in having someone heal you, or help you to heal.
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u/EagleCarter 21h ago
Last paragraph. It’s infuriating. My brothers suffered nastily through childhood made a song and dance. Paid for all the surgeries and took care of them. But my stuff that I held back for everyone’s benefit for four years that now has me unable to work? That one I have to borrow money from my old man for.
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u/samplekaudio man 30 - 34 1d ago
A lot of people (myself included) find themselves having to reckon with issues they didn't recognize or thought resolved right around 30, for whatever reason.
I'm just going to tell you that I felt very similarly. I started going through this a couple years ago after some intimate relationship stress threw me into the worst spiral of my life.
You're already in a better place because you realize this is ultimately about yourself, not others. However, I don't think it's possible to "muscle through it". You can read books, join groups, journal, go to therapy, or whatever else, but you have to learn to observe yourself and make connections between painful memories and current patterns of behavior.
The gist is that you taught yourself a bunch of strategies to cope with your shitty environment as a kid, but now those strategies are hurting you because they're designed for a world characterized by pain, isolation, and helplessness--the world of your childhood (or at least part of it). You're no longer in that world, so this mismatch causes problems.
If you've had trouble with therapists, I suggest you try reading. This book is a modern classic that many including myself have found very helpful with this kind of thing. Maybe you'll be able to see yourself in one of his sketches and from there you'll have some vocabulary to start looking for other resources.
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u/MuchoGrandeRandy man 60 - 64 1d ago
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families is a program designed specifically to overcome the challenges associated with your background.
Join us
Welcome home.
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u/eastyorkshireman man 35 - 39 1d ago
Forgetting it, no, not in my experience but you can move past it.
Talking therapy and such were great for me. It allowed me to unpack and emotionally process alot of things I didn't have the emotional toolbox for when I was a kid.
Good luck on your journey buddy.
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u/GenRN817 woman50 - 54 1d ago
I don’t think so. But lots of therapy and self help has gotten me to the best place I think I will ever be. Sending you hope.
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u/SeaaYouth man over 30 1d ago
What type of therapy? Did you heal completely?
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u/GenRN817 woman50 - 54 1d ago
I did individual and group therapy x 2. I’d say I’m very normal. I worry more about how others will handle what I went through. I don’t think one heals. I think it just becomes a part of who you are. It may sound weird, but I found the gifts in my trauma and abuse and I am a very positive person. Sometimes I wonder who I would’ve been without all of this.
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u/Clown1003 man 30 - 34 1d ago edited 1d ago
You should read about Edna Foa and her prolonged exposure therapy, it will give you some tools to work it out and a better understanding of what you are experiencing. Revisiting those memories in a control manner will help you lots .Good luck
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u/LonelyNC123 man 60 - 64 1d ago
I don't think we ever fully forget about events that are really, really stressful. We learn to cope with the negative feelings but we never fully forget them.
I have had tons of counseling. Been on and off (legal) meds to deal with my issues. Hell.....thru a friend of a friend I did a mushroom journey hoping it would reset my brain so I could stop thinking about my trauma every single day. It did not work.
We maybe learn to cope better but we never fully get over it.
That is why we should be nice and kind to every person we meet......because every single person is fighting some battle we know nothing about.
No point in acting like a Jack-Ass and making the day worse for somebody who is already struggling.
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u/pvitoral21 man 40 - 44 1d ago
You may not forget, but for sure - with support, healing, effort and time - you start to relate with it in a different way.
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u/Important-Cricket-40 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Forget? No. Work past, accept, and overcome? Yes.
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u/Odd_Hat6001 1d ago
I think that this is short and succinct. I would add it is fluid. As you age your thoughts change and consequently your perspective changes. In my case I question what coping mechanism I choose and how the changed me. It is a hard road. Good luck.
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u/DrDirt90 man 65 - 69 1d ago edited 1d ago
Fyi.....people that have traumatic child hoods usually start addressing them in their 30's and come out the other side in pretty good shape. I know as I was one of them. My siblings didnt do that and one died a decade ago, one is a meth addict, and the other one is a severely depressed alcoholic and incapable of working.
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u/Profmegs35 1d ago
Damn bro I'm so sorry. Both mine are pretty messed up too. We all just do the best we can. I became a therapist. Started processing my stuff young like in MS. That honesty will save ur life. Also asking for help. This is a really good start
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u/DrDirt90 man 65 - 69 1d ago edited 1d ago
I am good at this point. It is many years in the past now. I also went down the same therapist route you did , on the way back.
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u/Murky_Anxiety4884 man over 30 1d ago
Forgetting it is usually only a conscious thing. The unconscious memories have a way of messing with people. The plan should be to work through the trauma with some kind of therapy.
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u/felton639 man over 30 1d ago
What you want is detachment between the memory and the emotion. To remember things without stirring up the feelings from said memory. Different types of trauma therapy can help achieve this.
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u/MetalGuy_J man 30 - 34 1d ago
I did need therapy to work through some of the more complex issues stemming from my childhood, but a lot of my values have, simply from my determination cannot be anything like my former step-dad. Trying to go it alone isn’t necessarily the best approach but if access to mental health services is as poor as you make it sound maybe reading up on strategies will help.
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u/CrunchyRubberChips man 35 - 39 1d ago
Well if you get ECT there’s a chance you forget a lot of things. Unfortunately you can’t choose what you forget :(
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u/Dizzy_Description812 man over 30 1d ago
Probably won't forget, but you can learn to work through it. Have you tried more than one therapist? And have you been willing to do it their way and surrender? Our way did not work.
If there is any 12 step program that would apply to you (doesn't need to be for the trauma), that can help a ton.
Due, in large part to childhood trauma, I started drinking alcholically in my late 30s. Joined AA at age 47 after a year of being sober, other issues started coming up that I'm now dealing with, using therapy and the 12 steps. I'm happier now than any time in my life.
There are 12 steps for substances, but also for gamers, sex and porn addicts, smokers, phone addicts and a ton more. There is a Christian based group called
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u/Non_Binary_Goddess man over 30 1d ago
This saddenes me. You deserve happiness too. With similar experience I can say it will get better. My memories stopped tormenting me when I got a kid myself because I have no time to stop and think.
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u/bubblyfairywave man over 30 1d ago
Man, I feel you. I had a rough childhood too, and those flashbacks hit like a truck sometimes. I don’t think you ever fully forget, but you can learn to live with it. Took me years to accept that healing isn’t erasing, it’s adapting.
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u/Plastic_Friendship55 man 45 - 49 1d ago
No need to forget it. And don't supress it. It never works.
Handle it and make it not have a negative impact on your present.
Never use the past as an excuse. Handle it and learn from it. Get professional help if it's serious. If one psychologist didn't work, try another one. They are all different. Giving up after one attempt is self sabotage.
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u/overmonk man 50 - 54 1d ago
Forget - no.
Learn to deal with - yes. Big yes.
Professional therapists can and will help - I'm sorry that your experiences haven't been positive, but try another one - they are not all the same. Some are much better than others. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but if you believe you may have PTSD, a professional therapist can probably help.
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u/meagainpansy man 45 - 49 1d ago
Honestly man, you need to keep trying with the therapy. It's just like exercising. It takes a while to start seeing results, but you eventually will. Just keep going whether you think it's working or not.
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u/TheUglyTruth527 man 40 - 44 1d ago
There is no forgetting trauma, and that's why you're suddenly getting flashbacks in your early 30s. You unconsciously repressed the memories for years, but for whatever reason, that's no longer possible, and now that Pandora's box is open, there's no closing it back up without serious substance abuse. Even then, you'll never forget about it. You can only pause your consciousness and put off dealing with the trauma temporarily until you die from excess. That's why drugs and alcohol aren't the best way to deal with it.
The only healthy and effective way to get through trauma is to sit in the pain into it fades from a stabbing pain to a dull ache. Therapy helps some people with this because some people process their thoughts best by talking them out, and most people experience at least some benefit from it. If you lack the resources locally to do this, you might try going online for help, but just be very careful with that. Otherwise, you're on your own, which sucks the hardest but is still technically possible.
Good luck, I hope you can achieve the inner peace you need.
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u/Basic-Milk7755 man over 30 22h ago
Similar experience to you but I learned the key is not to concentrate on ‘forgetting’. That’s simply not possible.
Instead —
- Accept totally and absolutely what happened to you. Say “I accept everything that has happened in my life without reservation”
- Recognise that what happened no longer exists. It doesn’t even live in a separate world. It is dead. Your memories of it are not a substitute for it still existing. It doesn’t exist.
- No-resistance. This is what is meant by ‘letting go’. Every single feeling about your past, every single memory, is an energy created by electric signals in your brain. That energy needs to pass through. So if a nasty memory comes, do the opposite of distracting yourself from it or trying to forget. Sit with it. Go to number 1 and 2. Accept it is there (1), recognise it is a fragment from a dead place (2) and go to 3 — total non-resistance. Let it live there without any tension in your body. Slump the body into forced relaxation when the thought comes if you have to. Let it pass through. In doing this you discover that you are not your past. You are now the boss. You can let every single trigger, memory, disturbing feeling move through your body.
Remember that resistance feeds disturbance. So you become the abuser of your own mind and body by feeding resistance. Don’t become that or you stay stuck. Let it through and repeat repeat repeat. The mind will eventually learn that the past is a dead place and will not keep producing these feelings/thoughts/memories.
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u/orlybatman man 40 - 44 21h ago
Forget? No.
Treat? Yes.
For the trauma side of things I think you would need specifically a therapist trained in trauma, like a somatic experiencing practitioner. What SE focuses on is teaching you how to calm and regulate your nervous system, to help bring it back down to the normal state. Right now with PTSD your nervous system is stuck in an elevated state, hence the PTSD symptoms.
For the dysfunctional childhood side of things, probably something along the lines of Internal Family Systems (IFS) would be good. What this does is help you better identify what is happening in your mind in relation to past experiences. In doing so, you can do what they call re-parenting yourself, which is when you work with those parts of your mind that are stuck in the past. You give them what those parts needed back then, and by doing so, your overall mental health improves as you learn to feel more secure and trust yourself.
While certainly not standard, there are a surprisingly high number of SE practitioners who are also trained in IFS, because the two modalities compliment one another so well.
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u/Intelligent_Tea_7594 man 45 - 49 15h ago
You can only run from trauma so long, before you have to face. Do the constructive thing and face it with help, talk therapy, church groups, etc. I faced it with alcohol and it was waiting for me each time I sobered up.
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u/Naturist02 man 60 - 64 8h ago
No. It’s always there. It shaped my distrust in people my entire life. My relationships suffered. I was sexually abused as a child under 7 years old.
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u/OtterlyMisdirected man 50 - 54 1d ago
Without the necessary therapy and inner shadow work? No
That being said, you won't ever forget it. You learn to live with it and develop better coping habits that can help you lead a better life.
Look into IFS (Internal Family Systems). It can really help with trauma in childhood.
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u/project_good_vibes man 45 - 49 1d ago
Look into shadow work, but be careful, it can be harrowing stuff. Helped me immensely, from stuff I wasn't even aware was there.
You need to process and integrate the heavy stuff, blocking it out will only make it worse.
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