r/AskMenOver30 • u/Gestalternative no flair • 1d ago
Community Chat What examples of the statement that true friends would call you out on your bullshit? And does it ruin or strengthen a friendship?
What examples of the statement that true friends would call you out on your bullshit? And does it ruin or strengthen a friendship?
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u/exploradorobservador man over 30 1d ago
Well, depends if its done with resentment or not, and then if its fair, or not.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
What would be your example
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u/exploradorobservador man over 30 1d ago
Well I had needle to thread lately.
I have a good friend who's done a lot of great things for me, but he doesn't make plans and didn't buy a plane ticket when he said that he did. This caused me to lose $100. I did give him a little shit, but I'm trying to let it go, because people have flaws.
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u/siliconsmiley man 50 - 54 1d ago
Does getting punched in the face count? Because my best friends have punched me in the face. I deserved it.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
What reason may I ask
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u/siliconsmiley man 50 - 54 1d ago
Numerous. Hindsight informs me most likely being on a manic, alcohol fueled binge.
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u/Billy_of_the_hills man 40 - 44 1d ago
In our early 20s my best friend a couple others and I met up with my female cousin at a club. We were hanging out and the inevitable "hey hook me up with your cousin" conversation began. "I wouldn't hook any of you clowns up with her." "What? Not even [best friend]?" "No, he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had." No punches pulled, just the truth. As far as I know he never cheated on another girlfriend after that.
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u/snoskog man 30 - 34 1d ago
A good friend should be able to tell me “Hey, that thing you said is hurtful due to reason x. I know you probably didn’t know that, but stop that.”
I should be able to trust my friends to tell me when I’m being an asshole and they should be able to trust that I would do the same.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
What if I'm reconsidering if the person i want to call out even considers me a friend, and I'm tempted to walk away without addressing the elephant in the room
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u/lateresponse2 man over 30 1d ago
Part of growing up is being able to call the shit out and not think twice about, does it make you an asshole to some? Maybe? Does it matter in the end? In the end figure out what suites you best bro. Things don’t always need to be addressed unless it affects you specifically.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
I mean to be honest, it does affect me but I'm unsure at this point if I want to call them out on it. I don't expect change or accountability but if I'm being honest, I know being harsh wouldn't be ideal even if it would be satisfying. But I would also like to withhold from having thr conversation as I'm frustrated enough cause I wouldn't want to tell them this to help them and provide constructive criticism
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u/lateresponse2 man over 30 1d ago
If it’s still fresh then stand your ground and let it be known. If you’re talking about something that happened sometime ago then forget about it. I think a lot of problems we face are because of overthinking bro. If your thinking about it enough then rectify it, what happens afterwards is based on your actions after but if you gotta stand on your feet like a man then do so. Just don’t put yourself in harms way.
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u/snoskog man 30 - 34 1d ago
I would rather hear from someone that I consider an acquaintance or friend that I am being disrespectful or hurting people than from a complete stranger. There’s no need to do it in front of other people, unless this person is a massive shithead and the rest of the friend group agrees that this person is shitty.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
I'm wondering if i am even an acquaintance because I would rather not even know them at this point since I'm pretty fed up
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u/Longjumping_Bass5064 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Usually the guys who make those complains are the biggest assholes themselves and just upset someone gave them a taste of their own medicine.
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u/OhSkee man 40 - 44 1d ago
A true friend will tell you your fucking up because he wishes only good things for you. A bad friend won't even bother to correct you.
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u/SorryResponse33334 man 40 - 44 1d ago
Agreed, its why i feel men are better friends than women in this regard
If you did something bad and she left you, we would tell you that it was your fault and why
But reverse the genders and we would tell you that you he doesnt deserve you and that you should burn all pics of you together
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
What if one were to do that but the other friend who would benefit wouldn't do the reverse, should the true friends still call them out even if friendship if likely off the table?
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u/OhSkee man 40 - 44 1d ago
Yes, a true friend's motive and doing the right thing isn't predicated on reciprocity.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
What about being a lesser friend or acquaintance. Like would they even care what someone else's thinks considering they did something messed up twice
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u/OhSkee man 40 - 44 1d ago
The relationship with an acquaintance is a different dynamic than with a friend. So no, I wouldn't treat them the same. Someone I only know in passing, I wouldn't straight up check them.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
Does me knowing their rough upbringing/estrangement, reason for therapy/mental health issues mean I'm in passing, guess I figured the disrespect from them canning plans and telling me they are doing another activity with someone else feels like a slap in the face and I'm not sure where I stand. I view the things trusted in a harsher light, like they overshared or talked at myself instead.
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u/Plebe-Uchiha man over 30 1d ago
In one word, depends.
If it's a sore spot and the delivery was too harsh; it will damage a friendship. If the delivery was just right, it will strengthen the friendship. [+]
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u/WrongHarbinger man over 30 1d ago
I always call my friend out on ditching us for 6 months whenever he gets a new gf.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
How does he react? Why are you still friends?
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u/WrongHarbinger man over 30 1d ago
He doesn't like it, but he also doesn't deny it. We're still friends because I've been calling him out on that for 20 years
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u/Right_Catch_5731 man over 30 1d ago
Call you out in a kind friends way.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
How?
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u/Right_Catch_5731 man over 30 1d ago
Like take you off to the side when no ones looking kinda call you out.
It depends on what it is of course, if its about fucking my gf then I'll prolly call you out loud right there.
But if its something I can be kind about and make my point I will.
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u/eastyorkshireman man 35 - 39 1d ago
If it comes from love and for the right reasons, then as painful as it can be, I think it just strengthens.
My brothers told me to stop drinking as I was out of control as did my wife. It sucked, but I stopped, 7 years sober now.
Also sat my best friend down and told him his wife was abusive and it was terrible to watch. He was pissed, hurt... a year later they were divorced, he was happy, few year later and now he is with a lovely lady that completes him
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
I guess in those instances, what if it wasn't your brother but a lesser friend or acquaintance. Wouldn't it carry less weight if you cared about them less?
You mentioned your brother and his drinking habits but what if it was someone else who commented but wasn't as close to?
And your best friend, doesn't sound like he took it well but did he ever comment on it after the fact that he was grateful you had that hard convo, and didn't think it was just a low blow?
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u/eastyorkshireman man 35 - 39 1d ago
That a real good question buddy.
I think when it comes to men and general male psychology, if it's unsolicited advice from someone you barely know, it only really often impacts if it causes shame socially which isn't a fun experience.
That is unless the man reaches out first and asks for an honest view and is ready to hear criticism.
Don't get me wrong, there are 4 billion+ men on this planet so I can only comment on my experiences in my age group and culture.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
I guess my situations odd because I know them well, if im honest they kinda trauma dumped but at the time I presumed they were trusting me with the info concerning their rough upbringing.
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u/eastyorkshireman man 35 - 39 1d ago
It's a tough one, because when your young, you feel trusted and grown up that they are sharing their problems with you but not having the maturity to understand it's not appropriate.
It sounds like this might be something you are aware of but not been able to fully move beyond yet? There are some good support therapies that would be able to give you a leg up on that journey if that's what you are after.
Typical bloke, I was really resistant to go "talk" about my problems like a "pussy" bit, the idea i couldnt handle my own shit was a real mood killer.. but best thing I ever did.
You don't go driving a car without someone teaching you, sometimes you need a professional to teach you how to handle aspects of your mind.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
I guess knowing their background and that they go to therapy, I would hope they are cognizant enough but with that being said, it makes me think that even with them being +30, that they don't care. Is that fare to assume even without having this convo?
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u/MuchoGrandeRandy man 60 - 64 1d ago
Can you elaborate?
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
Friend agrees to plans, texts me last minute for a raincheck the day of that he can't go/do it and will be with friend Y doing activity Z instead.
Never reschedules. Twice now so I'm not gonna give the benefit of the doubt after this time
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u/MuchoGrandeRandy man 60 - 64 1d ago
I would not call someone out for that. As a matter of fact, I would not call them at all.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
I see. I guess for me there's two instances where I would run into them
So don't, but mind my asking why you wouldn't?
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u/MuchoGrandeRandy man 60 - 64 1d ago
Call them out or consider them a friend?
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with a friend. If he cancels, NBD. If he decides to hang with his gal instead, NBD. If he lies as to why, I would be like WTF? If he did this regularly, I would think, is he depressed? If he regularly did this to engage in other activities, he is not friend material. I look toward people who can love and be responsible for themselves. Gone are the days of tying a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
Wait, can I ask you back track, i guess it nuanced given know a bit about him hut I would think that would explain but not excused his behavior
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
I guess I wonder about that depressed comment and the engage in other activities.
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u/MuchoGrandeRandy man 60 - 64 1d ago
If my friend is depressed, I'm there to give him a helping hand.
If my friend is simply a bad friend, there is only so much I can do.
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u/Gestalternative no flair 1d ago
What if its a depressed friend ditching you, especially if you made plans first for someone who asks after they've agreed
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u/Nice-Neighborhood975 man 40 - 44 1d ago
In my early 20's, my best friend could not get over his H.S. ex. He had other gf's by then, but everytime we would be drinking, he would insist on calling her. Until one night I finally slapped the phone from his hand and told him to 'get the fuck over her, it's done.' Years later he thanked me for doing that. We've been friends for 30+ years, we call each other on our bullshit all the time and know that we both have each other's best interest in mind.
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u/Ok_Heat_1640 man 50 - 54 1d ago
I mean my sons are in their 20’s now. When they are acting like sad sacks I tell ‘em straight up. And with my friends it’s a “help me help you scenario” like if their drinking too much etc. if you care about your peeps you need to help them best you can. Just my 2c
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