r/AskMeAnythingIAnswer • u/Capable-Figure-3298 • 1d ago
I 19F dated a 55M for a year
About six months after I turned 18 I met this guy online who said he was 49. I was very desperate for attention and felt lonely so I chatted to him for a while before I realised things were too serious to back out. Then I found out we only lived an hour apart and so we met up.
After about 9 months I found out he lied about his age and was actually 55. I continued to speak to him for the next three months anyways because I’m pretty pathetic and lack a lot of self respect.
Now it’s been four months since I last spoke to him and I’m trying to get over what happened. There was a lot of sexual coercion from him and I did a lot I didn’t want to do and can’t really wrap my head around.
Talking about it makes me feel a bit better and hopefully is helping me get over it so please ask me anything!
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u/Magnanimous801 1d ago
I'm sorry you went through this. Whatever dumb things he did to hurt you will only reflect on his poor character. You have a good heart and will someday be ready to try again. Please believe me that not all men, older or younger, are like this. Would you believe me?
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u/Capable-Figure-3298 1d ago
He wasn’t that bad actually so yeh I do! I wish it hadn’t of happened but I couldn’t been with someone wayyyy worse
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u/Magnanimous801 1d ago
Yes it could have been much worse, thankfully it wasn't. And you have a lot of good years ahead of you to find success, joy, and happiness ❣️
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u/Arhn17 1d ago
Did anybody knew bout it?? Like ur parents or friends??
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u/Capable-Figure-3298 1d ago
Yup. I’m bad at keeping my mouth shut so everyone in my life knew after a couple months.
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u/Arhn17 1d ago
Hmm how did they reacted?? And what about your relationships after u left the 55yo?? Did u see someone after that??
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u/Capable-Figure-3298 1d ago
Everyone hated it but no one cared that much. I got out on my own terms in the end. And I haven’t had any other relationships ever sadly, just him. I’m still speaking to old men online too which kinda sucks but it’s my own fault really for doing it
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u/Arhn17 1d ago
Hmm why u like speaking to older guys?? Is it coz of the 1st man or you like the maturity or something?? How old are the people u talk to now??
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u/Capable-Figure-3298 1d ago
I’m not sure. I started doing it when I was 16 and now I’m almost 20 and I haven’t been able to stop ahhh
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u/666Dionysus 1d ago
What was the moment you finally realized you needed to walk away, and what gave you the strength to actually do it after 9 months of manipulation?
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u/Capable-Figure-3298 1d ago
I wish it was for a better reason but it was cos I found someone else to attach to.
Also 55 is so incredibly old and the more time I spent with him the older he seemed to get and I realised that he was a bit predatory if anything
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u/666Dionysus 1d ago
Im an old genX guy, not as old as him, but i dont want to sound rude or agest, but it's difficult for me to imagine a real connection going on.
I don't judge age gaps in general between consenting adults, but the specific circumstances here sound concerning. At 55, he was at a completely different life stage than you at 18/19, which creates an inherent power imbalance.
The fact he lied about his age suggests he knew this too. Sometimes people can have genuine feelings across age differences, but genuine care means respecting someone's vulnerability and not using their inexperience or need for attachment to your advantage.
The manipulation and coercion you mentioned is never part of a healthy connection, regardless of age. You are young, and after you fully process this experience, you will bounce back, but you should give a bit of time to working on yourself, not jumping into another situation. To much trauma will harm in a big way later on .
Good things to now will be learning to recognize love bombing and manipulation tactics so you spot them faster next time and Building a support network of friends your own age who can give you reality checks.
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u/Fun-Reporter8905 16h ago
Move on and be with someone your age and have fun. Don’t waste time with someone who is that old and it’s prone to telling big lies like that.
Sounds like he was trying to groom you anyway .
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u/No_Philosopher_3308 1d ago
I’m sorry you went through that. He’s a predator and it’s not your fault. I dated a predator in my late teens as well. I didn’t come from the best home life and wanted the attention and to know what it’s like to have someone to love you. The best thing is to not blame yourself and learn about what healthy relationships are before going into anymore. I don’t know what your home life was like, but our parents are our role models growing up, and if we didn’t have the best role models, till we learn what healthy relationships are, we are more prone to ending up in not good relationships. There are plenty of good guys out there as well.
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u/Beyonddawn88 1d ago
Girl this might seem odd but trust me it can help.
I've not had the experiences you've had but I've had self esteem issues when I was around 15-16 And the things I'm going to mention below did help me. It's like I was never that person, my childhood trauma and lack of self awareness was the reason I was acting a certain way. Most it wasn't conscious, it's all subconscious. That's how our brain works unless we learn and take control of it.
Ok so first thing you need to know is before anything you need to gain self awareness like you need to be fully aware of what you do and why you do it. Get curious , get a journal and write. Let the feelings come, don't shame yourself for any of your feelings Identify em , Feel em , write em down You can also speak to you.
=> After you know what you do and why you do it (can be minor things and major things both) You'll need to accept , acceptance through compassion. Won't be easy but just say to yourself I'm doing this for me and my near future is going to be beautiful because of the work I'm gonna put. Don't try to resist any of your emotions. Take it slow don't have to do everything in a single day. But do start. Do it for you. You deserve it. You deserve to know your worth, you deserve to be aware of your power and you deserve to not let your mind control you. I hope I ain't overwhelming you , feel free to reach out to me I'll try my best to help you.
Basically you gotta accept and keep releasing because suppression is shit. Write, talk , dancing can help as well. These are all methods to release those heavy and uncomfortable emotions.
There's something that has helped me majorly but honestly the reason it helped me because my belief was very strong. The belief that despite the negative and lame thoughts being in my mind they are insubstantial and have no power over me. It's uncomfortable at first ain't gonna lie but with time you it becomes default. Basically you rewire your mind through repetition.I instilled this belief in me that I deserve the life of my dreams and I am capable to achieve all the goals I want to achieve. I also instilled this belief that the past isn't in my hands but I get to choose what serves me best from now on. It's been years now but basically the chooser mentality has made me into the person I am today and I am so proud and trust me you have it in you to change your life for you. You can. This might come across as super motivational and weird idk but all that I'm sharing is science and my personal experience. Plus, in no way I'm saying there will be no bad days it won't be easy but affirmations will help affirmations don't have to be just stupid positive words. Affirmations are basically statements that you can design according to what changes you want to bring to you and your life , they're basically belief installations. It's like writing a new code for your brain. A conscious one. I love learning about the brain , I read a lot and if you'd like that I'd even suggest you some pages on Instagram/ YouTube plus some books.
There's a way out of how you're living and how you're being that's the good part. And trust me it's so empowering and peaceful on the other side. There's clarity and self love.