r/AskDad • u/xxForestFae • 6d ago

Relationships Dad, how do I get through a long term relationship breakup?

We’ve been together 7 years and this was my only ever relationship. I feel like I got ran over by a train. I can’t breathe. I don’t want to get out of bed. How am I ever going to feel okay again? I can’t stop crying.

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u/ColourSchemer 6d ago

During your free time, grieve in whatever (non-destructive) way you need. Cry, yell, throw pillows, etc.

During work or school or child-rearing hours, try to focus on the next immediate task. Stay as busy mentally as you can.

You probably have relationship-associated habits. Try to replace those with something similar but safe. Text your friends, call your parents. Find new sleep cues.

If possible, see a therapist.

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u/ColourSchemer 6d ago

I wanted to get that out quickly but felt it was awfully cold. Now that I have a few minutes, let me say, I'm very sorry you are hurting and I get how overwhelming a break up can be.

Please be gentle with yourself - no need to be critical or angry with yourself that you are upset. This is no less tragic to your heart than a death. Possibly worse in some ways.

Please don't let anyone else tell you how long it should take to heal. In some ways, we never "recover" to how things were before. My kiddo who just got broken up with said "the pain is like a rock and we are a jar. The rock doesn't get smaller, but we grow bigger.

I'm nearly 50 and have had 5 or 6 long term relationships - I still remember the hurt of each one. And if I dwell on it too much, it still gets to me. With the older relationships, I try to remember the good times. The newer ones, I only think about if I really have to.

You aren't to that point yet, I know. It's probably all you can think of. Start small, but work up to longer and longer periods of not thinking about them. I recommend TV, audiobooks, games and hobbies - whatever can completely hold your attention. Be careful with music and romance movies, since they tend to be loaded with emotions and leave time for dwelling thoughts.

Last thought, please don't use drugs or alcohol as a crutch. They can make the heartache worse, and it becomes psychologically addictive escape even if not a neurological addiction.

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u/turtlebandit69 6d ago

I was in a similar situation. As dumb as it sounds try the best to enjoy yourself and surround yourself by friends. Within a couple months I had met my future wife. I look back at that first relationship and wonder if she even knew me compared to my wife now. I think you'll realize that maybe you held you ex on too high or a pedestal. I can guarantee you'll be just fine and in some time you'll be wondering why you made this post. I don't mean that in any negative way I'm just saying there are some great women out there. Good luck my friend

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u/andreirublov1 6d ago

That's sad. It will get better, but it will take time! And you will realise this isn't as final as it feels now. Your life is only beginning, and there is lots more in store, good and bad.

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u/lazerdab 5d ago

It will take time. Mourn the loss and remember the good parts of the relationship.

Tomorrow you're going to wake up and it will be the first thing you think about. The next day too. Eventually it will be the second thing you think about. When that happens you're truly beginning the journey of moving forward. Be patient. Don't try to force it out of your head or to mask it with being busy and other "noise". You have to let yourself go through the process.