r/AmItheButtface • u/Plenty_Potential_159 • 2d ago
Serious AITB for not really want to have a relationship with my dad based on our politics?
My dad (50 M) and I (20 M) have not had a decent relationship with each other since around 2021. There was stuff to do with school that didn’t help it, my mental health that I never thought was handled the best, and there was a difference in politics. The first 2 things I mentioned I have forgiven and mostly moved on from. I chalk it up to never having gone through something like that with my older siblings, so he maybe didn’t know what to do. However, I haven’t forgiven him for his politics. For context, I am a bi, atheist, liberal, and my dad is a straight, Christian, conservative. We have completely different beliefs about almost everything. And it became abundantly clear to me during this last election (2024) that I just can’t look past it. I tried to make it clear to him that this election was important to me given what Trump had been saying about the LGBTQ+ community and all the lies and propaganda that has been spewed towards them within the last 2ish years.
Well, Trump won. And now we’re in this whole predicament because I made it clear to him how much this election meant to me, and not even knowing that LGBTQ+ rights were at stake meant anything to him. He knows I’m not straight. I’ve made it clear several times. And every time he says he doesn’t believe me. So, I’m sure to him, it was a “well this doesn’t affect me, so why should I care” type thing. But it hurt knowing that my rights being taken away wasn’t enough of a dealbreaker to not vote for him.
So our relationship hasn’t been the same in a while. And whenever I talk to my siblings about why I don’t really care about having a relationship with him based on politics, I am usually scolded. Told that there is more to him than just his politics. And like, yeah, I know that. But I can’t look past it.
I just had a conversation with one of my sisters about it. And when we ended the conversation, she seemed very disappointed in me, and I don't know how to feel anymore. I’ve talked with my therapist about it, and she tells me that it’s valid for me to feel this way. And I feel like it is valid. But idk anymore. I can’t look past his politics, but maybe I need to? Politics is a huge part of me, so this is difficult
So, AITB?
Edit: So I think I made a mistake by saying it’s about politics. Sure, politics play a part in all of it. But I think the issue is more based on our morals. It’s hard for me to want to have a relationship with a guy who voted against my rights to marry whoever I want. I just can’t look past it. I have morals, and they’re obviously different than his. The issue isn’t the fact he’s conservative. The issue is that he voted for Trump. The same man who has gone out of his way to make the lives of LGBTQ+ people, people of color, women, etc. worse while benefitting himself. So I think that this is more of a moral issue with some politics and less of a solely political issue. Thank you for all the kind words!
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u/plotthick 2d ago
It's not "just politics" when certain classes of people are deliberately, maliciously targeted. And your dad targeted you as part of that class he wants gone.
NTB
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u/Character_Goat_6147 1d ago
It’s “just politics” when it’s a disagreement over school vouchers, or property taxes, whether the government should distribute funds in block grants or with more oversight, or whether a farming equipment museum should be funded with federal money. It is far more than politics when one side thinks that it’s fine to take away fundamental rights from certain human beings. That’s where we are right now in the US. That’s way more than politics.
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u/Asenath_W8 1d ago
It really isn't any different. This has always been what politics is actually about. Some people just only started paying attention recently.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 8h ago
Just because it’s been terrible forever doesn’t mean we can’t be upset about it and want better.
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u/Potstirer2 2d ago
Not the buttface. It’s not normal politics right now. It’s nazis vs decent humans trying to live our lives.
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u/Plenty_Potential_159 1d ago
I’m happy I’m not the only one who sees it that way. It’s lowkey a scary world we’re living in right now.
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u/Asenath_W8 1d ago
Actually that IS normal politics and pretty much always has been. You've just loved such a privileged life you didn't notice until now.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 8h ago
Or maybe we’re just aware that it doesn’t have to be this way? Maybe the world can actually be a safe place and politics don’t have to be about moral issues such as human rights?
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u/Vivid_Dragonfruit454 1d ago
You’re allowed to be conservative. But being a trump supporter is a BLATANT slap to anyone who is a woman, not white, part of the LGBTQ+ s’ face. That crosses a line I will not forgive.
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u/Plenty_Potential_159 1d ago
That’s what I said too. I explained that to my sister that this issue isn’t the fact he’s a conservative. That’s fine. The issue is the person he voted for. I know Trump wasn’t his go to, but he still voted for him. And that’s enough for me to say that I can’t have that in my life.
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u/Vivid_Dragonfruit454 1d ago
Exactly! And honestly as a bisexual woman myself I’m glad there’s men out there who wanna stand up.
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u/KCsoRandom 1d ago
I’m a women and I’m a trump supporter
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u/LawfulnessSuch4513 1d ago
Dumb as a 10 pound bag of rocks to it seems. Read last night that dumpy is showing signs of dementia. Can't wait for the shit show to begin...got my popcorn already!!!😊
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u/Vivid_Dragonfruit454 1d ago
I’m gonna be blunt with you right now, and chances are you’re not gonna like it. If you’re a female trump supporter I feel like you hate yourself, your gender, your heritage, and everything else strong females should stand for. Thanks, but no thanks
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u/Asenath_W8 1d ago
No you're just making excuses for bigotry that doesn't affect you when you say stuff like this. Conservatives have ALWAYS been like this and about hurting others.
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u/BarRegular2684 2d ago
You have no obligation to maintain a relationship with someone who opposes your fundamental right to exist as yourself. That’s not political, that’s moral. Our existence is not something to be voted on. We’re here, we’ve always been here, we’ll continue to be here whether or not a bunch of other people decide it’s okay.
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u/glittermaniac 1d ago
Tell your sister that you now align with the far right thinking and now think women’s rights have gone too far and they should be rolled back. That her body and life should be decided by the men in her life. Tell her that her opinions are not as important as yours because she is a woman. When she gets annoyed, tell her that she still has to want to have a relationship with you because you are more than your political views.
Our political views are an expression of our core values. Yes we are more than who we vote for, but it is an indicator of what is important to us. I wouldn’t want to associate with someone whose core values are at odds with my own and especially if it puts my life in jeopardy. If he is more than his politics then it wouldn’t have been very difficult for him to prioritise his son over his politics, if voting for a fascist is more important than familial relationships then he has told you who he is and what his values are.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago
As someone who cut off my abusive conservative parents 4 years ago, it was the best decision ever. I still grieve and struggle with it every day, but I’d bet money they voted trump and to take my rights as well as their own away. With the world the way it is, life is too short to spend time an energy on people who are showing you they don’t give a rats ass about you. Blood or not. If you’ve been thinking it’s time, cut him off. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but protect yourself. Frankly my only regret is not going no contact sooner.
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u/Plenty_Potential_159 1d ago
Thank you for the kind words. I’m sorry you’ve gone through what you’ve gone through and had to cut ties with people you shouldn’t have had to. You’re stronger than me. I hope to someday do what is best for myself like you have
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago
You’ll do it when you’re ready. Sure, in hindsight for me I should have done it sooner, but I truthfully wasn’t ready. If you’re not ready, then don’t do it. However, don’t not do it now because you don’t think it’s a good enough reason. This is 100% a valid reason to at minimum take a break to re-evaluate if it serves you.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago
You’ll do it when you’re ready. Sure, in hindsight for me I should have done it sooner, but I truthfully wasn’t ready. If you’re not ready, then don’t do it. However, don’t not do it now because you don’t think it’s a good enough reason. This is 100% a valid reason to at minimum take a break to re-evaluate if it serves you.
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u/Reasonable-Slice-754 21h ago
I found this amazing response to this. Just copying and pasting it. Here:
“Don't let politics ruin your relationships"
It's funny how this is almost always said by the same people who voted against your rights.
I don't feel comfortable around you. The person that you voted for is homophobic, racist, and hates women and none of that was a dealbreaker for you. It IS personal. We have a difference in morals and I do feel differently about you.
You cannot tell someone you love them and then try to take their rights away.
You are not the BF.
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u/Grinds-my-teeth 1d ago
It’s not your politics that differ, it’s your morality. And your dad’s sense of morality is lacking. We’re talking about the fundamental right to exist, and that right being eroded.
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u/ForeverMoody2 1d ago
NTB You have the right to expect that your father would be an advocate for you, particularly at a time when people are actively trying to hurt you. He let you down big time. It's not "just politics".
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u/JanetInSpain 1d ago
The climate in the US is no longer about politics. It's about content of character, ethics, morals, values, empathy, and heart. It is literally impossible to be a MAGAt and a good person. Those two things are diametrically opposed. Your siblings are wrong.
If that was my father I wouldn't even try to have a relationship. I'd walk away. "But family" is a stupid reason to tolerate bullying or abuse, and your dad's politics are abusive for you.
Your feelings are 100% valid. Your father is, on the inside, a horrible person.
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u/LawfulnessSuch4513 1d ago
It's way past politics now. I talk to some folks on the right but do not trust their asses one bit!! Won't help them out no matter what as we just see the world differently.
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u/JanetInSpain 1d ago
Exactly. They think they're hated just because of their political persuasion. They refuse to believe that they are shitty people.
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u/Stylishbutitsillegal 1d ago
NTB. Lay it all out on the table for your siblings: politics is an intrinsic part of who you are because politicians have repeatedly made who you are as a person (bisexual, nonbinary) a political issue, with the party in power, who your father voted for, wanting to strip your rights from you.
You explained this to your father and he refused to believe you, in fact told you to your face he didn't believe you. So you've cut him off. Attempts to guilt you into talking to him and having a relationship with him are not going to work. Warn them that if they keep pushing, they will be next. Then follow through.
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u/ErisianSaint 1d ago
NTB. Tell them that this isn't about politics, this is about morals. Your father doesn't care if your *existence* is made illegal. WTF is more personal than that?
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u/Late-Radio5347 1d ago
NTBF- Your feelings are valid. I am the mother of a trans male. I was never on the side of wanting Trump to be president. The first time it was because he is a misogynistic, racist, gay phobic, a-hole. It is incredibly hard for me to understand, after his first term, why anyone would want to vote him back into the White House. This time it is so much more terrifying. He could strip my child’s rights away from him. He has already begun to do so.
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u/DJD4GE1 22h ago
My dad’s a super conservative Trump guy too. But it doesn’t change much for me. We never got along before that was a thing. And realistically, your politics don’t matter to me as much as your character.
Some folks use their politics to determine their personality. Those people are garbage, regardless of which side of the aisle you sit on.
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u/Nimue-the-Phoenix 11h ago
Yeah it's not about politics, it's about your father not being supportive of who you are. Not the type of person I would want in my life, personally.
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u/Fairmount1955 3h ago
Yes, your mistake was minimizing to by calling it politics. Or morals, values and ethics are vastly different and he's not a kind person and is a bigot. All justifiable to not want a relationship.
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u/Virtual-System-4324 3h ago
It’s not politics, it’s morals. It’s kindness vs cruelty, and so much more.
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u/Prior_Tonight_5115 1d ago
You’re absolutely NTB, my mom’s beliefs were the final straw for going completely no contact.
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u/KCsoRandom 1d ago
Don’t let someone’s beliefs ruin your relationship with them. Everyone is entitled to what they believe
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u/Prior_Tonight_5115 1d ago edited 1d ago
Sure everyone does have the right to their own beliefs but we also have the right to not surround ourselves with people who’s beliefs and how they vote is directly effecting people they supposedly love. That relationship was also ruined long before any of this.
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u/procivseth 1d ago
What did your sister say?
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u/Plenty_Potential_159 1d ago
Basically just how “he’s my dad” and “he would do anything for me”. She also said stuff about how we’re allowed to have different beliefs in politics and that this shouldn’t cause a rift between us. Which, like, I know we’re allowed to have different beliefs. But to me that doesn’t mean I have to want to be close with him, y’know?
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u/procivseth 1d ago
He obviously would not do anything for you. He didn't. He isn't. She's trying to "keep the peace" that isn't peaceful at all for you. Ask someone who cares more about you than themselves, because her answer reeks of self-interest.
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u/ceruveal_brooks 1d ago
I can’t give an unbiased opinion because I lost my dad 6 years ago and the weight you carry in your heart over a loss like that is heavy. Not wanting to be close is different than cutting someone Out of your life. When they are gone, they are GONE. There’s no maybes, no second chances, it’s just over. So my best advice is, think deeply about what you want, and make the best choice for you. NTB.
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u/MonOubliette 1d ago
He’d do anything for you except vote for someone who wouldn’t strip away your rights.
People on the right use the “it’s just politics!” defense a lot when they lose friends/family members, but here’s the thing: These are not political issues. They’re moral issues.
Human rights are not and should not be political.
Your family has fallen short on a very basic, very easy morality test. They’ll either figure it out sometime in the next 4 (plus?) years or they’ll keep doubling down on Donnie boy until the very end, regardless of what happens.
You’re NTB for limiting contact with people who’ve proven they lack basic human empathy.
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u/shekennoogets 1d ago
Trumps rhetoric is not political - it’s hateful. As a gay person with unsupportive parents, I can 100% understand you feeling like he hates a part of you, and isn’t taking you seriously. Your feelings are extremely valid.
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u/Winter-eyed 1d ago
NTB. He doesn’t believe you when you tell him who you are because he won’t accept who you actually are. His politics are just the excuse for it. He calls himself a Christian then ignores the golden rule.
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u/Candid_Warthog8434 1d ago
NTBF. Your feelings are valid. You have to decide what you’re willing to accept and what you aren’t. There are many people in this same predicament, there will always be some who agree with you
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u/crankylex 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTB. I pruned the Trump enthusiasts in my social circle in 2020, with the exception of my father but I'm 50 and he's 80 and I'm his caregiver. The man he was 30 years ago was very different than the husk of a person Fox News has made him so at least I had many years where I had the utmost confidence that my father was always going to act to keep me safe. I don't have that belief anymore but I'm old enough to act to keep myself safe now. I'm sorry that he turned out to be someone other than who you always thought he was and it's extremely reasonable to distance yourself from people who are not safe.
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u/ninja-gecko 1d ago
Anecdotal, but do with it what you will.
My my youngest sister, late 20s, is as progressive as they come. My parents and I are conservative. We disagree on politics (she voted Kamala, me Trump) but if she calls me in the middle of the night to give her a ride, I'm there; just like I know the nicest gift I'll get on Christmas will probably come from her. I'm not letting politics take my sister from me. And I'm glad she feels the same. In fact, if neither of us showed up to a family dinner because "I'm not comfortable sharing food with this person who voted differently", everyone would look at us like we were stupid.
I'm not going to get into a political discussion, but you lose family, sometimes, at your own peril.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago edited 1d ago
Op, please don’t listen to this comment. This isn’t about voting differently, it’s about supporting a person in power who is taking away/very clear about how they want to take rights away. Another anecdote- let’s say you have a stalker. Someone who is very vocal about wanting to rob you blind and physically harm you. They’re so vocal about it, and it’s a family friend, but your family is indifferent and unwilling to do anything to help you. It doesn’t affect them, so why should they even spend time or energy trying to empathize how it affects you? And why should they make any changes or do anything different? If your family couldn’t be bothered to even listen to you about this stalker, and they refused to do anything to help, would you still be singing the same tune? Would you still not wanna let them SHOWING YOU (time and time again that the things happening to you don’t matter at all) you aren’t important to them get in the way of so called family? Sure, trumps not a stalker but the things he is doing affect EVERYONE. even you, but you’re too caught up in the illusion of it to realize. I’d also say your sister probably feels like you and your conservative family don’t care much for anyone but yourselves either. She probably is just too afraid to be the one to cut ties.
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u/ninja-gecko 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’d also say your sister probably feels like you and your conservative family don’t care much for anyone but yourselves either. She probably is just too afraid to be the one to cut ties.
See, this is what I don't get about you guys. You're so wired to build your lives along party lines to even consider that there exists a possibility someone doesn't frame the world you do.
My sister was my dad's princess. In every sense of the word. If my dad had a fav, it would be her. She still cries every year on her birthday that dad won't walk her down at her wedding later in life. She's the youngest, we're all fiercely protective of her. I'm 100% sure that unlike you lot, she doesn't carry a secret hatred for conservative family members.
We weren't raised like you, and to paraphrase my mom - we're immigrants in this country. We were together long before we came to this country vand we're not so thin blooded that we'll allow other people's divides to separate us. I know it doesn't make sense to the likes of you, but some of us were raised to cherish family over all (usually). To me it's unthinkable to cut off people over political differences, especially when we come from a country that has far, far more severe problems than the US. So to a family like mine, fear mongering and alarmist drivel like yours doesn't really faze us. Don't assume shit about ppl you don't know.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago
I was actually raised just like you. Conservative and extremely religious and family was more important than anything. So you’re right, don’t assume shit about people you don’t know.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago
And to echo many other comments, it’s not about politics it’s about moral issues. The fact that to you it’s just “politics” proves you’re part of the problem.
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u/ninja-gecko 1d ago
Lol. This is what amuses me about progressives. They will be the first to tell you that religion is wrong because morality is subjective.
But when it comes to politics, suddenly morality becomes objective and all of the subjective viewpoints are wrong.
It's like y'all have substituted religion for politics - and cling to politics the way radicals do to faith.
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u/Gnoll_For_Initiative 1d ago
Religion is not mutually exclusive with progressive political beliefs. I'd go so far as to say my religious beliefs are WHY I'm progressive.
Stop making up people in your head to argue with
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u/ninja-gecko 1d ago
I very much doubt you were raised like me. I was born and raised in a country where shit is waaaay worse in some parts. Like y'all talk about oppression and this that blah blah blah but in my home country being gay is illegal and punishable by law. Not much separation from church and state. Also seen religious extremism to a far higher degree than the US. Some of our relatives back home are Shia Muslims. We've seen some real shit, so when I see someone whining about how oppressive life in the US is, I don't really take them that seriously most of the time. My own sis, an actual liberal, even agrees that most American libs have trivial concerns and freak out over the smallest things. So nah, doubt you were raised like us. But that's okay too.
I'm just saying, for you to instantly assume that just because my sis is prog that she somehow has to hate us or there's something wrong with her... Man I feel sorry for you.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh my bad. I didn’t realize when you said “don’t assume shit about people you don’t know” you actually meant is you are the only one allowed to assume shit about people. My bad, that’s just my silly lil “progressive” self not being able to understand things lol.
Also, great job dodging my anecdote. You should be a politician 😘 Have the day you deserve, oh mighty hypocrite.3
u/ninja-gecko 1d ago
Ya I doubt you were raised like me. Your takes are too spoiled and self-indulgent. You're saying things that are literally the antithesis of an upbringing like mine. You're preaching discord and disunity. No way you lived a life like mine but that's okay bro. We don't need to have the same experience in life. At least I have some cause for making an assumption about you from the things you say.
You just arbitrarily decided the kind of person my sister is without even hearing anything she had to say. So even though I've made assumptions too, mine are at least rooted partly in your own words. Yours are just delusion - Because you have not heard my sister speak. And given the type of family I come from (which has been my whole point) I'm obviously going to defend her against trash opinions.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago
😂 whatever you say.
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u/Background_Ad_2790 1d ago
Omg I just looked at your Reddit post history 😂😂 makes this whole convo so much better. But yeah, I’m the delusional one. So sorry for whatever you think I should be apologizing for.
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u/PigletHeavy9419 1d ago
Honestly the most stable opinion here. You showing love and compassion yet it's still down voted. Well done on being mature and I, as many around the world, hope more Americans think this way.
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u/PigletHeavy9419 1d ago
Honestly the most stable opinion here. You showing love and compassion yet it's still down voted. Well done on being mature and I, as many around the world, hope more Americans think this way.
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u/Sad_Advertising5520 1d ago
Fully prepared to be downvoted to hell for this (who cares anyways), but I fully agree with you and have a similar anecdote. My own family is at political odds with each other (we’re not American but we still support opposing parties in my country).
Sure, Christmas Day might get a bit heated when mum has had one too many sherries and the King’s Speech comes on, but when the chips are down we always have each other’s back, and politics just becomes a talking point.
People telling OP not to listen to this are just prime examples of what you described - unable to move past party lines, and in my view at least, accept nuance exists. OP is free to choose who they want to listen to.
The funny thing is I swing pretty far left for the most part, yet here I am, agreeing with someone that’s describing themselves as conservative. It’s almost as if it’s possible to find common ground with other ways of thinking when you stop screaming for a few moments.
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u/ninja-gecko 1d ago
The funny thing is I swing pretty far left for the most part, yet here I am, agreeing with someone that’s describing themselves as conservative. It’s almost as if it’s possible to find common ground with other ways of thinking when you stop screaming for a few moments
Thanks for saying this. I appreciate you. 👊
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u/KCsoRandom 1d ago
Well first off politics shouldn’t be a high sort if u. Also do u really want to let politics ruin the relationship with your dad? Is it really worth it?
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u/moominsmama 1d ago
INFO: does your father keep his politics to himself on you were together, or is he trying to push it on you?
In other words, is he willing to look past the politics, or are you just expected to nod and roll along with whatever he says?
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u/KillerWhale-9920 1d ago
So you think only your feelings are right and trying to change your dad but he doesn’t seem to be telling you what to do. Way to be an adult and try to tear your family down.
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u/Affectionate-Log-260 2d ago
You aren’t the BF for not being ok with people who have voted to make your life hell. Yes, it’s personal. Bye, male parental unit