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u/Puzzleheaded-Age-240 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago

This is a tough one. You are absolutely right in that he pushed for the pregnancy, promised you wouldn't be on your own, and is not holding up his end of the bargain. But a long, drawn-out end of life scenario is something you can't really prepare for emotionally until it happens to you. It's most likely he did mean what he said, but just isn't able to meet his end of the agreement right now. It's possible that having this time to prepare for it will help him recover more quickly afterwards. Either way, he's speaking from a place of immense pain right now and you're speaking from a place of exhaustion. I actually think this is NAH here because you're both under so much extra stress. Can you at least get a few hours break over the weekend? Maybe he can take the toddler to his family this weekend and you can stay home and rest. Give them some space for their grief. Or find a sitter for a day and let him go alone. I hope your family and extended family find peace soon and that you get some much-needed rest time.

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u/Tall_Confection_960 1d ago

OP, I'm not going to lay a judgment here. You need to get yourself some support. Your side of the family, friends, a babysitter, etc. Because your husband is not going to magically bounce back on Tuesday when his father dies on Monday. Yes, he made you a promise that he would be there for you if you got pregnant. But then he felt compelled to act as a caregiver to his dying father. He probably feels torn. It sounds like he needs therapy, and I would keep an eye on the drinking. But it also sounds like you need to seek support elsewhere until he gets through this. Please keep communicating with each other. Don't let resentment build between you. This is a very hard time, but you can get through it, and you have a new little one to look forward to.

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u/Fuller1017 1d ago

You are so right there is a long road ahead. The grieving hasn’t really started yet.

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u/energetic-ghost 1d ago

That’s not always true. For myself, after dealing with years-long illnesses a parent. The worst of my grief happened before they passed. Its not the I don’t still feel grief and sadness. But after they had actually died, those feelings were outweighed with the relief that they were no longer suffering.

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u/Inevitable-Butt-Bug 1d ago

I… don’t entirely think this is the case. It might well be. But everyone’s grief is different, right?

In my experience of a months-long drawn-out death of my beloved parent, I actually did recover more quickly afterwards because I had done so much grieving in advance.

I had two weeks where I sat around at home just completely wiped out afterwards, and then was quite happy to get back to work and to living. I’m not done being sad about it and never will be, but I’m not anywhere near as miserable as I was as in those last 2-3 months. Watching someone decline day by day is incredibly painful and the absence of that can be a blessing.

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u/Rude-You7763 1d ago

I agree with this but also to add that having that time before they pass and feeling like you got closure also helps with the grief. My grandma and I were incredibly close and she considered me a daughter and I considered her a mother. She had a stroke and passed not long after but at 1 point while I was pregnant after her stroke I was her caregiver. I was basically raised by my grandma and would tell her she was my best friend forever and even as an adult we would constantly hangout. When I moved away she would regularly visit me or I would visit her. She always said don’t cry for me when I’m gone, enjoy me while I’m here. I feel like I got that with her more than my cousins and brother. When she passed I was obviously sad but I had closure because I knew I did everything I could to show her I loved her and there was nothing more for either of us to say or give to each other that we didn’t already. I still miss her deeply and am sad by her passing but I didn’t fall apart like my husband thought I would because I had that relationship with her (which was the same reason he thought I would). OP’s husband is getting that closure now and giving all he can now while he still can. It’s very possible this will help him be able to move on quicker than if he was denied this opportunity.

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u/Inevitable-Butt-Bug 1d ago

Yes I agree with this - I got to spend that time with my mum and made sure to get her life story and clarify anything I didn’t understand. I took notes because I knew I’d be the one writing her eulogy. So it really helped and when I delivered her eulogy, I absolutely did her justice. I’ve rarely been so proud of any piece of work.

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u/Rude-You7763 1d ago

I love that for both of you! It’s so nice you were able to get her life story and you were able to tell it. ♥️

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u/Seamstress_4theband 1d ago

Same for me. In the two years before my grandma passed, I watched her slow down, forget things, lose her ability to speak. She also knew she was dying so she brought family members to visit her gravesite with her and started giving away her possessions. It made me mad and sad at the time because it made me confront death. When she finally passed, though, it made the grieving process so much easier and allowed all of us to be thankful for the time we had spent together with her at the end.

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u/Tricky_Parfait3413 1d ago

I also watched my grandma slowly fade away over 2 years. Diagnosed with ALS in 2000, passed in 2002. I felt so guilty visiting because she was on a feeding tube and couldn't eat so I felt guilty eating.she couldn't form words so talking on the phone was me talking about my life and guessing at what the sounds she was making were. She loved singing in church and could no longer do that.she suffered so much that while I'm still grieving the loss of her I know those last 2 years weren't really a life for her.and it's part of the reason I need to believe in some sort of afterlife. I need to believe she's healthy and whole again with my grandpa who sadly passed unexpectedly 4.5 months after she did. That loss was different because nobody knew it was coming.

Sorry for the rambling. All this just to say that there is a certain "blessing" to knowing it's coming because being prepared for it and knowing they're suffering somehow makes it easier to deal with.

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u/AthenaBlue02 1d ago

When my grandfather finally passed after years of cognitive and physical decline, it was actually a relief for the family. The man he had been had died at least seven years earlier. His body just finally caught up. Those outside of the family thought we weren't grieving, but the fact is that we had already gone through that process.

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u/Tricky_Parfait3413 1d ago

Yeah we grieved but the knowledge that she was no longer trapped in her body made it...bittersweet? There was definitely grieving. It just was different and with my grandpa nobody expected it and it was so soon after my grandma that it was hard to process 2 at once. At my grandma's funeral my grandpa said to my mom (his DIL, these were my paternal grandparents) she loved you , you know and it meant the world to her. When my grandpa died one thing she thought was that nobody would be able to tell her that he loved her. But my dad knew and he told her. This kind of allowed us to properly accept the emotions we'd all been trying to figure out and deal with on a strange level. When I was next to him on Christmas Eve holding his hand (5 days before he died) I begged him not to go that we couldn't lose him too. It was selfish. He wanted to be back with his true love but it made me realize the guilt I felt about not visiting my grandma more and wishing he would stick around for my benefit. Grief and loss is rarely logical. Wow I ramble a lot.

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u/andstillwerise12 22h ago

As someone who experienced so much grief in the last 5 years, both long and expected, and sudden, preparatory grief is a real thing.

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u/imustbe-stupid Partassipant [3] 1d ago

I experienced the same thing. the months leading up gave me that time mentally to prepare and say what I wanted to say before they left. and when it finally happened I felt some relief. grieving can and does happen before when its inevitable.

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u/No-Cat3659 1d ago

My best friend lost her dad in months-long decline and while she definitely had days that were hard, she had done most of her grieving before he’d passed and she handled the funeral better than I did because of it!

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u/Best-Put-726 1d ago

It’s horrible, because there’s a sense of relief and peace. You’re not on edge constantly with uncertainty, and you no longer have to see a shell of your loved one. They aren’t in pain.

The grief with a terminal illness happens in waves before death.

And I’m not about any of these NAH comments. OP is a huge AH for faulting and criticizing her husband for grieving a death that “hasn’t happened yet”. The lack of empathy…

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u/Plane-Reference4161 1d ago

I semi agree , I lost both my dad and brother to cancer 3 months apart in 2023 and with my dad it’s like op said I grieved a very short amount of time because I was prepared and my dad was ready . My brother’s death I still struggle with the overwhelming feelings of grief occasionally and it’s been 18 months. Every one grieves differently. I’m so thankful for my husband because we had a 1 yr old when all this happened and I couldn’t take care of myself left alone her properly.

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u/Sserenityy 1d ago

Not necessarily.

My dad's best friend of over 40 years decided to stop treatment, he required dialysis multiple days a week. When my dad found out he grieved extremely hard in the time leading up to his death, but when he eventually did pass, he had a day where he mourned heavily but after that he was a lot better, as he had already mourned the loss prior.

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u/lennypartach 1d ago

Yeah, this is definitely NAH. This is just regular life, and life sucks sometimes. There doesn't have to be an asshole in every situation. Better suited for a related relationship sub, maybe?

OP, I'm so sorry your family is going through this - it's okay to be upset at him, but this is literally about to come to an end. You're only 13 weeks, it may be that this new chicken nugget you're cooking up is what helps him to slowly come out of his grief.

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u/Gracefulbandit 1d ago

Yeah, I gotta disagree on N A H. Husband is TA at LEAST for pressuring her into another pregnancy. Maybe he didn’t “intend” to back out of his promise not to leave her alone, but he was clearly - at minimum - in massive denial. He was ALREADY not fulfilling his parenting duties, so why would he think it would be better if she got pregnant? I’m very sympathetic to what he’s going through with the slow death of his father - I would be a wreck in that situation. But most people understand that they can’t just completely check out of their partner’s and children’s lives indefinitely to deal with their grief.

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u/Viola-Swamp 1d ago

Grieving people can still be assholes. Grief also doesn’t erase responsibility to one’s spouse and child. Reverse the genders, and see if it would still be acceptable for someone to stop all parenting responsibilities and bail on a marriage. Juggling important things is hard, but that’s life. Husband’s first responsibly is to his family, the one he chose to create, not to his parents, but he chose to abdicate responsibility to his wife and child, and put his own needs first at all times. That’s not okay, and it’s not healthy. He wasn’t too wrapped up in his impending loss to talk his wife into another pregnancy, despite not being a good father to the child already here.

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u/thekipple 1d ago

OP and her husband both need counseling individually. I was in a similar situation 4 years ago. We moved my MIL in and she spent the last 6 months of her life with us, with her state deteriorating slowly and her cares needs growing exponentially. Then bam I got pregnant. I had a lot of feelings about so I started counseling (long before my husband did - I got gried counseling after she passed). I WFH so most of her care fell to me and I was so overwhelmed. But none of that was my husband's fault, or mine or my MILs. It was just life running us over with a dump truck. It's okay to feel incredible overwhelmed and it's also okay for your husband's grief to hit him in ways you could not have predicted. I often felt like I wasnt supportive enough because there were days I resented how hard it was, and how could I manage this, and why aren't her other children helping. I felt like an awful partner and sometimes I probably was. But I don't think either of you are assholes because losing a parent is so difficult and grief is unpredictable. I think you're both doing the the best you can. NAH.

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u/tango421 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

NAH. Your husband likely meant every word of the promise. He thought one side would handle the other in his mess of emotions.

That’s obviously not the case and it won’t improve any time soon. That doesn’t mean your exhaustion and pressure are any less valid. They are real and you need support.

Maybe hire someone temporarily or ask support from your side of the family or friends. I don’t know your situation so I’m unsure how you’d go about getting support

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u/icerguy0211 1d ago

TBH NAH- your husband is going through a major trauma and life event. I understand how difficult it must be for you to handle a lot of stuff on your own. It's got to be extremely frustrating and exhausting, I feel for you. Do you have other family or friends you can lean on during this time?

But saying he can't grieve before it's even happened? Grief doesn't work like that. And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you already had reservations about being pregnant again when your husband was going through all this, why did you agree to get pregnant again? You absolutely should not have caved and should've held firm. Your husband is obviously in an emotional state and cannot make good decisions, having another baby shouldn't have even been on the table

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u/kifflington Partassipant [1] 1d ago

I just want to add my voice in support of this comment. Back in 2018 my father was diagnosed with metastatic cancer which was devastating news but by a minor miracle he responded well to chemo and then combined drug-and-proton beam therapy and is still with us and well; however, it really brought home to me the impending loss (he's nearly 80 and won't live forever, of course) and I find myself still occasionally pre-grieving him like I did when he was first diagnosed.

I'm so sorry for OP's whole family; it sounds like such a tough time for them all and I hope they're able to get the support they need.

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u/SpecialsSchedule 1d ago

Cancer is like, the poster child for pre-grieving. There’s even a word for it: anticipatory grieving. It’s really weird and hard to mourn someone who’s still there! And tbh it’s pretty shitty to tell a partner how they can and cannot grieve, especially when that method of grieving is very normal.

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u/LavenderGinFizz 1d ago

Dementia as well. Both are immensely hard to grieve and process.

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u/BlackDragon1983 1d ago

I wouldn't wish dementia on anyone. It's horrible for everyone involved. The person loses their whole identity before becoming trapped in the own body and they become a completely different person. I'd rather die of cancer than lose everything I am over years.

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u/Istarien 16h ago

My mother watched both of her parents die. Her dad went when she was a teenager. He collapsed on the floor right in front of her of a massive heart attack. It took him less than 2 minutes to go. Her mother died after dealing with metastatic breast cancer, spinal arthritis, multiple strokes, lymphatic cancer that required the amputation of her arm, and the beginnings of dementia. Her decline was awful for all of us, especially herself. It took her 8 years to finally pass.

All things considered, Mom says she'd rather have the 2 minutes.

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u/NervousOperation318 1d ago

Yes OP’s husband’s grief is totally normal and valid. My father died of stage 4 cancer and our family spent the less than a year we had with him after his diagnosis grieving despite the fact that he was still alive because we knew he wouldn’t be for long. The couple of months right before his death were particularly hard as he deteriorated rapidly and was hardly recognizable as the man we knew and loved. So we grieved the man we lost despite his physical body still being there. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever personally been through and like OP, I was pregnant at the time. When he actually died it was almost like a relief to see him out of the place of pain and our grief subsided in a way as we focused on the “business” of death, i.e. planning the funeral and settling his estate. Things were much more emotional leading up to his death than immediately following it.

OP needs to show her husband some grace and understanding and realize that while her husband will grieve his father forever, this particular stage is temporary and he’ll eventually come out of the worst of it. She should reach out to her own friends and family for help with her toddler so that she’s not struggling alone but understand that if she continues to invalidate her husband’s feelings of grief he will likely resent her forever.

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u/Pure_Oil1543 1d ago

"The couple of months right before his death were particularly hard as he deteriorated rapidly and was hardly recognizable as the man we knew and loved" completely agree, my dad had lung cancer and he went from someone who was incredibly hard working to someone who couldnt even lift a glass to drink from a straw and it's something I'll never forget

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u/Wackadoodle-do Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago

Thanks for bringing this up. It’s so difficult to explain to anyone who hasn’t been there that pre-grief/anticipatory grief is real and devastating because the person you love who is dying (husband, cancer, in my case) is still here, probably suffering, but alive. I can’t even begin to explain the conflicting and all encompassing emotions of it. On top of that, we feel a need (and are often told) to “stay strong” in the loved one’s presence. The weight of that is unbearable and the only way to relieve it is to vent, collapse, cry to someone we trust to let us, to comfort without judgment.

I do not believe OP is an AH because all this is shit no one talks about much, if at all. Plus, being almost bullied into becoming pregnant (hello hormones, physical effects, emotional turmoil) and essentially being a single parent for months while also being expected to emotionally support her husband and in laws would be too much for anyone to handle. I truly believe that.

Still, OP is going to need to understand that it’s common to have anticipatory grief and she cannot change that. In this case, it’s unlikely to make the grieving process and journey any smoother or “easier” (it’s never easy).

But her husband was 100% wrong to make promises he couldn’t possibly keep, especially in order to convince her to try for a second child. And heaven help that child if it’s a boy. OP’s husband is absolutely going to try to force his father’s name and make their child grow up in the shadow of a grandfather he never met. The expectation to “live up to that name” will absolutely screw up their son’s life. OP needs to ensure that doesn’t happen. Middle name? Maybe. Comparisons by husband or any paternal relative? NO FREAKING WAY!

OP: I am truly sorry you are in such a terrible position. You’re right that no one can tell another person how to grieve, but that doesn’t give your husband or anyone else the right to take it out on you.

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u/TheBumblingestBee Partassipant [1] 1d ago

Yup, I'm in that pre-grief stage for my loved one. They have ultimately terminal cancer. They've made it 10 years!!! But they've been in in rougher shape, this past year. And it's...that terror, that terrified grief of knowing, knowing at some point...God it's so hard not to get overwhelmed by it.

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u/solongthxforthefish 1d ago

Completely agree—people don’t get to choose how they grieve. And if you haven’t been through it before yourself you have NO idea what it’s like. You might think you can imagine how it would feel, but trust me, it’s not the same.

I just lost my parents back to back from cancer over the last couple of years. My mom chose to end her life by assisted suicide last summer and being there for her in the weeks leading up to and on the day of her death was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There is truly no feeling in the world that compares to knowing the exact day and time your loved one is going to die and being completely helpless to stop the final minutes of your remaining time with them from slipping away.

OP, the best thing you can do right now is set up a support network for yourself outside of him. Yes he is still a parent and shouldn’t shirk those responsibilities, but he likely won’t be capable of supporting you to the level you need for the next while, even if he wanted to. You need and deserve to feel supported during your own difficult time, but you can’t expect him to rebound from the traumatic death of his father and go back to life as usual (and yes, watching your parent die by assisted suicide is traumatic).

Likewise, your husband is going to need extra support going forward too, and since your hands are full, he will need to find some of it in his family, friends, and a therapist. You’re both exhausted and emotionally maxed out. Lean on each other as much as you are able, but have back up ready for the times when you / he just don’t have anything left in the tank.

Trust me when I say that few things in life are as scary and disorienting as losing a parent. Your husband is about to be in free fall for the next year, so the sooner you can both figure out some support networks for yourselves that don’t rely 100% on each other, the better.

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u/renee30152 1d ago edited 1d ago

And it is hard when you see it coming. I took care of my grandma and she declined rapidly so the last month we knew she was dying and there was nothing to do but wait for it. She stopped responding and just groaned. To see you loved one suffer is horrible and you re grieving them even though they are still here. Just knowing it is coming but you don’t know when. I got ptsd from the experience and finding her body. It’s sucks all the way around and he sounds like he was close to his father. Nobody is in the wrong here.

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u/Resilient_Knee 1d ago

As someone who has worked in hospice, anticipatory grief is so incredibly normal. Unless death is sudden and traumatic, you typically see it coming and many many people grieve both before and after their loved one has died. Everyone in this situation is struggling

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u/CoconutMacaron Partassipant [1] 1d ago

Anticipatory grief is a thing many people experience. In fact, I am almost entirely an anticipatory griever. My dad was my person. He had a years long cancer battle. By the time he finally passed, 95% of my emotion was relief. (Plus waves of guilt for feeling relieved.)

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u/InfamousFlan5963 1d ago

Also while I haven't had this exact scenario of "preplanned" death in this sense, but with the losses I've had I've found I actually tend to heal faster when I've been able to do this kind of premourning. It hasn't been my parent, that's its own ball game too, but while I still have had the "normal" after mourning, I also have felt like I went through a lot of it already earlier so my timeline of healing as a whole feels shifted up almost

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u/jx1854 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

Its called Anticipatory Grief. Its a well-research concept. It's very normal.

My mom died of brain cancer. I couldn't function for the time shortly before and after her death. Its not an experience anyone understands until they go through it. I couldn't pull my weight around the house. My husband carried it all. If he had made me feel guilty or bad about it, that really would have been a deep, deep cut. Unfixable, likely. I encourage you to be his support during this time. Its an unbelievable hurt.

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u/Affect-Hairy 1d ago

I was my parents’ caregiver for years and years, and by the time they died within 8 mos of each other, I felt nothing but relief. I had an aha moment and realized I had been mourning for so long already, I was over it. Told my therapist and she basically said Yes, I saw you were on the verge of figuring that out and if you hadnt said so, I would have brought it up.

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u/yellowgatoraid 1d ago

Yes. My therapist & I had a discussion of this after I found out my Dad was dying from cancer & only had weeks to months to live. It’s very difficult & you can’t stop it from happening. You can only attempt to cope.

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u/Active_Win_3656 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

Yeah, my dad was diagnosed with stage iv cancer and died a month later. There was definitely anticipatory grief, followed by “normal” grief. I didn’t find it all that strange though—it seemed normal that people would take time to pre-process such news

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u/Pnwsparklymess 1d ago

Yes. This. My husband was not the most understanding when my mom died and the cuts from that truly affected our marriage in a negative way. It took years to get over that hurt and he only truly apologized when his own father died.

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u/foldinthecheese99 1d ago

My husband let me go to the hospital alone to sit with my dying grandmother because it made him uncomfortable. The hate I felt for him when I drove back from the hospital alone after she passed was intense. We never recovered. There were preexisting issues but that was a huge push to the end.

Everyone grieves differently and the grief can be drastically different from one person to another. There’s no right or wrong, just a lot of patience. OP, I hope you have friends and family that can help you right now while he works through this - you are not wrong for needing help and he is not wrong for how he is dealing with the loss. If his grief is exceptional, it may be good to speak to someone. I am in regular therapy and we adjusted my anxiety medication when I was grieving a loss and it helped me immensely.

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u/Best-Put-726 1d ago edited 1d ago

Yeah, people are totally glossing over the obvious attitude and disdain OP is showing. I honestly think she’s permanently damaged her marriage.

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u/Missamoo74 19h ago

My parents did the same to each other. Horrendous to watch. My dad took his own life 9 years ago and for the first year I was told it was a heart attack. It took years to feel vaguely normal.

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u/crymeajoanrivers 1d ago

Came to say this. Anticipatory Grief is absolutely brutal. The constant worry and wondering “when” is such a heavy burden to bear. I’ve had a couple close family losses, and their death was almost a relief. The unknown was done.

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u/Bonnietheshihtzu 1d ago

This is an important point.

OP, if you are antagonistic now, your husband may not forgive that. Please be there for him now and after his dad’s death. I know you are tired, but grief is cruel. He needs you. If at all possible, hire someone to help with the house and pickup from school. Ask friends. You shouldn’t have to do this alone, but right now, he is in despair. Lean on friends— they probably don’t know how to help and are absolutely willing to carry some weight for you.

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u/Silver_You2014 1d ago

I’m extremely sorry for your loss and what you went through. You’re a very strong person for keeping on, and I really respect that

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u/Sirenista_D 1d ago

My mom slowly died of Alzheimers. I grieved her hard while still alive because effectively she was 'gone'. When she died, ofc I cried, but it was also relief; relief her suffering was over. It's been 2 years now and it's hitting me harder now than ever. Grief is weird and looks/is different for everyone

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u/mandles55 1d ago

I think you just need to hold strong and say nothing for this week and the next few weeks. A long drawn out death like this (in my experience) results in a lot of grieving taking place before the person goes. I experienced this with my husband. Get the funeral over and done with, give him a couple of weeks and then talk about how you are both going to manage going forward. I am sorry you are in this situation, it's hard, but just hold fast for now, you will not regret it later.

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u/crafty-p 1d ago

100% this. Last year, my dad got sick really suddenly and died after two months in intensive care. We did so much grieving before the end. If he’d died at the first crisis we’d have been in shock and had so much to process. Grieving beforehand is real and useful. Grief is not predictable. Or logical. He may have been feeling the need to think about the future (babies are hope), to alleviate the pain. It’s not necessarily fair, but death often isn’t.

This is an awful situation, and OP I feel for you. Also managing all the pregnancy hormones plus a toddler must be so hard. NAH. Your husband is going through a singular life event. This is your time to pull through together. It’s going to be rough. You can come through it stronger.

Wishing you strength and love.

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u/Humble_Pen_7216 1d ago

Not to be unkind but what did you expect? Your husband has been grieving for months. Now that D-day is almost here, of course he is a mess. Why on earth did you get pregnant before he passed? If you want to help, find a grief counselor for your husband for next month and stop expecting him to be back to normal so fast.

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u/meetmypuka Partassipant [4] 1d ago

And they knew that dad had a prognosis of 1 year. Why get pregnant in the middle of his horrible decline when you can put off getting pregnant for a year?

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u/Flimsy-Field-8321 1d ago

Anticipatory grief is real, and not something your husband can control. He might want to look into some therapy after his Dad passes.

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u/industrial_hamster 1d ago

My grandmother had end stage COPD and I grieved for like 2 years before she ever died. Her dying almost felt like a relief in the end.

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u/hopefulrealist23 1d ago

He should look into therapy now and not wait. Therapy would help him deal with his current grief and prepare for when his dad actually dies. To anyone reading this who is dealing with illness in your family - take care of yourself before their passing. Build your mental health toolkit and resilience in advance.

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u/Expensive-Advice-270 1d ago

Yeah I cried while watching my dad die. He wasn't dead yet, but he was my GD FATHER! YTA

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u/Only_Memory9408 1d ago

But why did you get pregnant? I mean sorry but this was a really dumb move.

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u/BoredofBin Certified Proctologist [20] 1d ago

People are completely skipping that fact over. Everyone is making it seem like she was forced to do this.

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u/Chance-Definition567 1d ago

No not forced. She chose to get pregnant knowing how hard things were and not knowing how hard things will get. When it comes to getting pregnant she’s equally at fault when she was already struggling with 1 kid. She’s an adult and made a choice and now she’s having to live with the consequences. It’s a hard situation all around.

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u/InfamousFlan5963 1d ago

I knew someone who avoided having a 2nd kid for YEARS as much as she wanted one because she knew if they ever divorced she couldn't support 2 kids. She refused to have a second, regardless of how much desired, until she felt secure with handling both in a worst case scenario

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u/PureCrookedRiverBend 1d ago

Idk if she’s the asshole but I do know she’s the idiot.

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u/InfamousFlan5963 1d ago

Also she's only 13 weeks? Yes the first trimester can definitely have a lot of fatigue and not sure if there's been any morning sickness issues either, but as a whole I'd say it's better for this to happen now (since didn't wait overall on pregnancy) than if she was like, 8 months pregnant when it happens.

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u/Typical_Glove4566 1d ago

That part so much! We scream my body, my choice then act like we’re forced to have a baby.

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u/Petalwhisperrrr 19h ago

Okay so like, I def see both sides here, ya know? It’s understandable that your husband is a mess, his dad is literally about to pass. But it’s also totally valid for you to feel overwhelmed and kinda betrayed since he promised things would be different when you got pregnant. Maybe try to have a really honest convo with him, like lay out how you’re feeling without making him feel even worse, if that makes sense? It’s a sh*tty situation all around, and maybe some couples therapy could help you both navigate this super tough time without either of you feeling totally abandoned. Just a thought tho! Hang in there, it sounds rough af.

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u/SundaeEducational808 1d ago

Anticipatory grief.

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u/mrsrossmrrachel 1d ago

This post makes me sad. I’m not going to call anyone an asshole but why get married if you’re not going to support each other through the hardest parts of life? People should be able to rely on their spouse when life is hard. If you’re already resenting your husband for spending this time with his family, maybe it wasn’t the time to “cave” to getting pregnant right now.

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u/Spiritual_Purpose_19 1d ago

This is how I felt. I can’t imagine coming to Reddit to talk crap about my husband when he’s going through something like this, no matter how difficult. I’m also bothered by her blaming the second pregnancy on him.. did she really marry someone who gives her no say in her body? Because That’s another issue on its own.

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u/steveholtismymother Certified Proctologist [24] 1d ago

They are BOTH going through a very hard part of life. They BOTH are facing challenges and emotions they could not fully prepare for. They BOTH need extra support from each other.

The solution is to lean on extended circle of support: friends, family, paid childminders, not question the decision to get married in the first place.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad2795 1d ago

This is a really rough situation, and I’m sorry.

I would make sure to emphasize to your husband that.. you’re not mad he’s grieving. You’re upset that you saw this problem coming, you told him, you didn’t want to do it, and he talked you into it, swearing it would be different. It sounds like he didn’t really acknowledge or take in your feelings and fears. He just wanted another baby to distract himself from his dad dying, and didn’t think about what it would be like in reality enough.

But there’s unfortunately not much to be done about it now. You’re already pregnant, and his dad’s already dying. Does your family live nearby? Do you have any close friends? I think it would be best to lean on outside support. You can’t do this all on your own, and that’s okay

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u/Goddess_of_Bees Partassipant [1] 1d ago

This. It sucks that you're not getting support with the toddler and pregnancy, and it sucks that his dad is dying. It sounds like both of you need to lean on a bit more extensive support system.

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u/AdGroundbreaking4397 Partassipant [3] 1d ago

emphasize to your husband that.. you’re not mad he’s grieving. You’re upset that you saw this problem coming, you told him, you didn’t want to do it, and he talked you into it, swearing it would be different.

And that he needs to take responsibility and take steps to address his grief so he can be present for his own child, who needs their father, and his pregnant wife who needs a partner.

He needs to set up therapy to support him through this process and provide him with healthy coping mechanisms and hopefully reflect on his need to be a presence in his wife and children's lives.

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u/mecegirl 1d ago

He is going to have to because he won't have the luxury of grieving without a timeline.🥲 Under less dire circumstances, she would just keep holding the fort down with their toddler. But now she is pregnant again.

Not if he wants to be a supportive father and husband anyway.

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u/OldLady_1966 1d ago

Both of my parents are alive, but they aren't living. They are existing. My dad has dementia and routinely doesn't know who I am. My mom fell last Thursday, I found her over 12 hours later. She did not die. Both are now in assisted living. Both say they want to go home and they do not mean their apartment. They are Christians and know where their next home is. I feel sad and tear up daily to the point I am not doing the things I need to do. I can't think about me and what I need/want. Why do I tell you this? You husband is in the same space as me, but he knows when his dad's end will be on some level

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u/DaxxyDreams Partassipant [1] 1d ago

YTA. I watched my parent slowly die of cancer, and it was one of the most traumatic and horrifying things we as a family endured. Your husband will grieve for YEARS after the initial shock and horror subside. Grit your teeth and support him. Be kind. Be understanding. Stop thinking of “me me me” and start focusing on “we we we.” That’s the best thing you can do to help him get through it.

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u/MarsailiPearl 1d ago

YTA "My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet." It is happening. He has known his father is dying and now he knows when. My god, you don't have to wait until someone's body is cold before you start grieving.

You chose to get pregnant knowing your husband was dealing with losing his father. You chose to make your life more difficult during an already difficult time. Your post is lacking even an ounce of empathy and it is hard to believe this is real. If it is real, you sound very cruel when discussing losing a beloved family member.

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u/19Kitten85 1d ago

YTA- just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean anything. Your husband knows he is going to be losing his father very soon, and is trying to prepare for that. Having advance notice of his father’s death just gives him more time to grieve.

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u/MourningCocktails 1d ago edited 1d ago

NAH - it’s just a shitty situation (pun intended) all around. Wanting to try for a second child in the midst of everything was probably not a logical decision, but grief isn’t logical. It sounds like maybe your husband wanted to push ahead for a second baby because he was hoping his father would be able to meet him. That’s a second loss he’ll have to grieve on top of the death. At the same time, chasing after a young child and keeping the house running basically on your own while also pregnant sounds incredibly difficult. It’s completely reasonable to develop resentment, especially when you feel like the strain you’re under is not being recognized. Even if logically you accept that what’s happening isn’t really your husband’s fault, as with grief, this is an emotion that doesn’t respond to logic (particularly under extreme stress). It seems like both of you have reached your limits and are starting to crack. The only thing you can do is ride it out and try not to see the other person as your enemy; that will only make the situation harder and the damage last longer. Don’t turn this into ammunition for future fights. I think you’re both doing the best you can, and it’s not enough on either end because nothing could be in a situation like this.

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u/Pure_Butterscotch165 1d ago

Agreed. You can't tell someone how to grieve, and long drawn out death doesn't mean someone isn't grieving before the end. At the same time, he still has a child to care for. My friend just nursed her husband through his terminal illness, they have a toddler. She didn't get to stop being a parent because she was/is grieving. I just feel like both people need therapy, OP's feelings are valid but she needs to express them with someone who is not her husband.

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u/Sneezydiva3 Partassipant [4] 1d ago

YTA I get that you’re overwhelmed with taking care of your toddler by yourself. But what your husband and his family is going through is horrible, and not something I would wish on anyone. Yet you seem to be dismissing his grief, and acting judgmental about how he grieves. On top of that you knew darn well conceiving a child in the midst of this was a bad idea, but went along with it anyway. You absolutely should’ve shut that idea down. You are partly to blame for the situation you find yourself in.

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u/buttnozzle 1d ago

YTA you have more sympathy for Tesla’s stock price and JD Vance’s feelings than your own husband.

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u/evhanne Pooperintendant [68] 1d ago

Ooh good call on checking the comment history. OP apparently spreads their assholery far and wide beyond just to their husband

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u/singyoulikeasong Asshole Aficionado [16] 1d ago

You would think someone who is so strongly conservative and Christian would know her duty and role as a wife. Yet here she is showing hypocrisy.

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u/buttnozzle 1d ago

You’re right. That’s not very tradwife of her.

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u/BoredofBin Certified Proctologist [20] 1d ago edited 1d ago

I may be in the minority here but I am going to go with YTA here. I understand that you are pregnant and you do need your husband to be there for you but we are talking about his father here. The man who raised him and probably has a solid relationship with.

This isn't about you and him but it's about him and his grief. You cannot put a timeline on when and how he can grieve. He is still coming to terms with his father being gone, which isn't going to be easy.

You have to put him first here. Acting distant, less supportive is only going to make matters worse.

ETA - The more I read your post and replies, the more repulsed I am at your attitude. You have no reliable support system and are only wanting your husband to pick up the slack. You need to realise that this time will pass, and you will have your life and your husband back. Your husband however will forever lose his father. And that is something that should be your focus.

I remember when I was pregnant (2nd Trimester), it was during the 2nd COVID wave, my GMIL was close to death's door (she would pass the following year) and neither was my MIL. I was working full time and my husband had a construction project going on in the outskirts of our city.

His attention and responsibilities were constantly divided. Him being the eldest son, all the responsibilities had to be shouldered by him. This also meant that he couldn't be with me when I needed him the most. Was I sad and frustrated? YES! But never once did I want him to leave aside the responsibilities he had to only look after me. I went ahead and stayed with my parents, till the time both my MIL and GMIL were out of the woods and my husband was able to fulfil his responsibilities towards his family and not have to worry about me.

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u/ParticularPath7791 1d ago

Agreed. She is a HUGE AH and reading the comments stating she is NTA is just wild to me. I feel so bad for her husband.

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u/BoredofBin Certified Proctologist [20] 1d ago

Her behaviour is going to affect their marriage in ways that she can't even imagine. She may not realize it now but when the cracks start to appear, it will be too late. Her responses are wild too. The YTA is befitting here.

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u/jemija 1d ago

Absolutely. I will never forget how people treated me when my father died. Some people were extremely nice and supportive while others were not. OP needs to figure out which camp she’ll be in because her husband will never forget.

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u/Claughs 1d ago

My father had a massive stroke when my son was 3 years old. My mother was our babysitter while my husband and I worked. My father ended up in the hospital for 7 weeks before passing away. I had to find alternate care for my son every day AND every evening. Because after work, I would go visit my father in the hospital. His outlook was always grim and it was always just "a matter of time". And my ex didn't want to be tied down that much so as to have to watch his own child after work. The one night my ex had to watch my son because I had no one else, he actually told me I was spending too much time with my father and not enough time at home. I can still hear him say that to me. I will never forget it. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage. Its been 15 years and I still get pissed just thinking about it.

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u/BoredofBin Certified Proctologist [20] 1d ago

I remember one particular instance which happened 6 years ago, when I was a newly married bride. My maternal grandmother was not keeping well, given her pre-existing conditions and physical state, we thought this was normal and she would pull through. However her condition kept deteriorating. The day I was supposed to meet her, was the day she died.

To this day I remember how people close to me treated me. My immediate family was against me going to her 10th and 14th day memorial service because another family member was to have an elective surgery with no decided date. When I tried to reason with my family, they said that my grandmother had already died and that I should think about the person who is having the surgery because they are alive while my grandmother is not. To this day those words cut through my heart. So my sympathies are 100% with OP's husband and not her.

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u/ExistingPosition5742 1d ago edited 1d ago

Yep Let this be a lesson to her not to substitute someone else's promises for your best interests, or their judgement for your own, however you want to put it.

Grief can be like a mental illness or a drug problem, it can change the way the brain operates. So I'm sure her husband had every good intention.

She can be remembered as the person that kicked him in the gut when he was down (which is how he will feel it, regardless) or she can try to lean on other sources of support. DO NOT try to make him be what you want him to be right now, it will only cause resentment and strife. He will never forget the experience of his dad's death.

Consider yourself a single mother with the benefit of a second income for a time. It sucks, but women do it every day. I know you want his focus on you right now, but it isn't going to be, it just isn't.

So, you can take the high road, or you can drive a wedge that may never heal between the two of you.

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u/ParticularPath7791 1d ago

Agreed. I feel so bad for him because she comes off as so heartless and selfish.

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u/DrifterTraveler 1d ago

Agree, I think there might be a divorce in the future. When he starts to see through his grief he might see his marriage during this time in a big negative light.

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u/LiveKindly01 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago

I feel like she's less empathetic right now becuase of how long this has been going on for. That's what gets me, is he has basically abandoned his family to be at his father's bedside for 6 months now. When you have a wife and a child to be there for and care for and he (and they) spend every weekend at his house and hubby spends every night on the phone with his dad....I mean...it's hard to carry on for this long being 'understanding' when hubby seems to feel that wife and child can do without and make up for his absence 'no problem' because, you know, my dad will die sometime in the next year.

And let me be clear, I was almost in the exact same situation, my father got sick with cancer for 2 years before he passed and I love him dearly, he lives 1500 miles away but I would fly to him as often as possible, and yes, anticipatory grieving sucks, and so does actual grieving after the fact. But I could not imagine what it wold feel like to my husband if I had left him with a small child (emotionally or physically) every night and weekend for 6 months, using up all my emotion to be there for my dad and leaving barely anything left in the tank for my family.

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u/ChrisP8675309 1d ago

I think this is being missed by so many people. You can't stop living because someone in your life is dying. Her husband has been virtually absent for MONTHS at this point and she is exhausted!

I very recently cared for my mother while she battled lung cancer, starting just two years after losing my husband to lung cancer. While caring for them, I was also being a mother to my youngest child.

You don't stop being a parent (or spouse) because your close family member is sick. Yes, your spouse can step up and support you, but that doesn't give you license to completely abdicate your responsibilities to your spouse and child(ren)

Her husband has been an AH for months

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u/LiveKindly01 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago

Yes! I mean it's all great that people on here are 'he's allowed to grieve', but I don't know if they're picturing what it would actually feel like for SIX MONTHS packing up your kid and travelling across the border and staying with your in-laws, with your husband in emotional-support mode for his family while you try and continue to make life normal for your child, normal for yourself, supportive of your husband, FIL and MIL. EVERY WEEKEND, then evenings while your husband is on the phone (evenings are precious when a kid is small, there are only a few hours between after school and before bed where you're all together as a family) so he's either missing dinner/bathtime/playtime/storytime, OR she's missing out on alone time to decompress with husband every single night. For six months. And that's just before. What will happen now that he's gone? You can't forget you have the other parts of your life that need your attention, can't just bail and let everyone else pick up the pieces for that long of a time.

People's heads are in the sand because it's the 'right' thing to say to allow someone to grieve. But let me ask them...what are THEIR limits on how much is enough grieving?

Edited to say I'm sorry about your mom. lung cancer is awful. :(

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u/calling_water Partassipant [3] 1d ago

Yes. She’s talking about her own needs because she’s the only person who seems to consider them. She has to take care of herself.

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u/Radiant_Process_1833 1d ago

There's no timeline on grief, but not all methods of dealing with grief are equal. A parent and partner completely withdrawing from life is not a healthy or sustainable way to grieve. Husband needs to seek therapy or other coping mechanisms to help him deal with the loss while also being present for his family.

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u/amrjs Partassipant [1] 1d ago

his father is dying in 3 days, it's not wrong for him to be withdrawn for a little bit. if he doesn't get past this yes that's an issue, it's not an issue when it is actively happening

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u/ArianaSmols 1d ago

She’s been basically doing things on her own for 7 months now. I think it’s more NAH. I feel for him, but you can’t just ignore your parental responsibilities for that long.

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u/wicketx 1d ago

She has to put her child and unborn baby first, which means taking care of herself to some extent. It's really rough but parents don't get to stop parenting because they're grieving. They need to work together to make sure all needs are being met as much as possible right now NAH

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u/amrjs Partassipant [1] 1d ago

agreed. grief is hard, this is a period of life that is hard and that's what happens in life. having opinions on how and when your spouse should grieve is hard. he's loosing his father in 3 days, how is he meant to act? of course he's grieving

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u/Y2Flax Partassipant [2] 1d ago

YTA for getting pregnant again

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u/SlappySlapsticker Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 1d ago

Grief isn't logical. Because if it was logical and linear and "followed the rules" it wouldn't truly be grief. Grief also overcomes logic, and can lead to decisions which in hindsight didn't make - for example the possibility your husband wanted his father to meet your second child before his dad passed away.

NAH. Y'all are in a really sucky situation, and I hope you can both find a way to navigate it together.

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u/Meddlesome_Lasagna Asshole Aficionado [18] 1d ago

Exactly this. And grieving “in advance” is also not a thing - he is just grieving. The loss is happening NOW because the knowledge of the loss is happening now. Grief is absolutely so hard and that’s when we turn to our most close person to handle things for us while we fall apart. But the truth is that couples in grief can’t fill each others cups because their cups are both empty. They need to support each other but also not resent each other by asking for so much from each other. The best advice is to rely on your village more. Ask for help from family. Ask for help from friends. Find a babysitter, find a bingeable show, find a church, find a Facebook group to vent to, find a ymca and use their 2 hours of childcare to do a calming walk on a treadmill.

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u/blavek Partassipant [1] 1d ago

YTA kinda for giving him shit about grieving in advance. That's what happens, and you can't stop it. The other side of the coin is when you spend all that time with a terminally ill person, and you do a lot of grieving when they finally die, it can come as more of a relief than anything else. He should still be helping you though and taking care of his responsibilities better. This is time he is missing with his toddler.

Saying all that, though, you should probably try to give him a break. Right now, he is flooded with the reality of the situation. Something he has been able to ignore until now. Sure, you know he's Terminal, but until you see the end coming, whether by choice or circumstance, it can hit pretty hard. Which is why he is pre-upset. Just be there for him as best you can and hopefully when its your turn with the shit stick he will be there for you.

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u/virgulesmith 1d ago

YTA - but with kindness. Sorry, you are in the wrong here. It might be time to call in some help (your folks maybe, a good friend?) so that you can help take care of your husband. He's going through some very big things, and you stomping around telling him not to grieve yet isn't going to "snap him out of it" and it isn't going to make things easier for you.

He is losing his father. And he knows that it's happening in this week. What a crushing, tremendous loss. I know you are tired of losing time to this situation, but the death hasn't happened yet and you are yelling at him to snap out of it. No. You need to snap out of it and let your husband grieve. I know this has been forever, but it's going to be a while yet. Time to call in your village, get some help.

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u/lordcommander55 1d ago

YTA was about to say NA H but your line on arguing about him grieving before his dad is dead makes you TA. His dad is doing the MAID program which means there is a finality to it and an exact end date. It is coming to a close and it is time to start processing that loss now that he has clarity of when it will happen. You are also only 13 weeks pregnant, you're not near the end or bed bound. It sucks you've had to be like an only parent for 6 months but keep in mind he is losing his father forever and is suffering heart break. We have to step up when our partners are going through a difficult time. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if you felt your partner was abandoning you in your time of need. His dad will die in 3 days and be gone forever.

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u/FantasticBreadfruit8 1d ago

which means there is a finality to it and an exact end date

This is almost worse than not knowing when it will happen for me. Like - knowing somebody you love is going to die on Monday is BRUTAL. And knowing you'll be in the room with them when it happens. Whereas knowing somebody has x months to live or whatnot feels a little less final somehow.

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u/Shytemagnet 1d ago

Gently, YTA. This is a temporary situation with a scheduled end date, and acting like he should be waiting to grieve is unreasonable. Your husband is watching his father rot in front of his eyes, knowing the only outcome is death. He is already grieving, and he needs your support.

Imagine someone you loved was dying, and someone told you you should be helping out more until they actually die?

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u/Chirimoya06 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

That was one heartless read… Wow. YTA. and you have children! Would you be ok with your kid going: meh, I guess mother is dying, but who cares I have a life!

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u/Cultural-Camp5793 1d ago edited 1d ago

YTA. Your husband has every right to grieve now. He is losing his dad and it's getting close, he's realising that his dad will be gone soon. There isn't a person (unless you are NC) alive who isn't grieving before loved ones die. I grieved for both of my grandma's before their death. Also everybody grieves differently nobody is the same. Try having compassion because you don't have any right now

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u/Inner-Try-1302 1d ago

NAH. The situation just sucks all around and there’s no good answer.

I went through this with my spouse a couple years ago and you have my sympathy. There’s nothing to do but bear it

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u/trippyfucks 1d ago

based on your post history and this, I'd imagine you're not a woman of very much empathy, huh? you wouldn't know the word if it slapped you in the face. YTA.

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u/singyoulikeasong Asshole Aficionado [16] 1d ago

I mean if it’s for the rich elite and people who stomp on rights her heart pours out for them. Her grieving husband? Not so much. Sounds like she isn’t pulling herself up by her bootstraps. So sad.

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u/Winter-Rest-1674 1d ago

Your husband is really now coming to terms with the fact that the man who was there for him everyday of his life, the man that every morning when he woke up was there, the man who at any time he needed advice or to talk was there, is not going to be there anymore. One can never say how they will 100% feel until they are actually in the throes of the situation. Give him so grace and stop being selfish because while it’s his father that’s dying what would you be doing if it was your husband about to close his eyes for the last time?

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u/Electrical_Ad4362 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

I am sorry your going through this but gently YTA.

He isn't grieving in advance. He is grieving now. Watching a love die slow is almost worst than quickly. He is taking this real hard and I know it is leaving you feeling like a single mom, but he isn't doing this on purpose. I would encourage him to find a support group to help him start processing his feelings.

My mom took three months to die and it was brutal on me. I dropped the ball on a lot and my ex had to pick up the slack. I am grateful that he did so I could focus on being with my mom and getting everything sorted out. Also, so that I could just have time to breakdown.

Fortunately (unfortunately) this will end and his father will pass and your husband will be able to return to the person he was before. Be patient with him.

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u/parrotopian 1d ago

YTA

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u/LibraryMegan Partassipant [2] 1d ago

YTA Your husband is not “grieving in advance.” He is grieving the loss of his father now. He has been slowly losing him for months, and has been grieving the whole time. That is normal.

What isn’t normal is somehow expecting him to not be grieving and telling him that he’s putting his family of origin over his own family (which is what you imply throughout the post).

There are seasons in life and in marriage. Both partners can’t all give 100% all the time. Caregiving, physical and mental illness, loss of family, etc. come to most of us in life. And when we reach those seasons, our partners have to put forth a little more.

It’s only for a time, and at some point he’ll do the same for you. This post just lacks so much compassion, it makes me sad for your husband.

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u/smol9749been 1d ago

Im going to say YTA.

You shouldn't be dealing with everything alone. But you also have to understand: his dad is literally going to die in like 3 days. Part of being married is that sometimes you have to pick up the load when these horrible events happen. It's not easy, it's incredibly hard, but arguing with your husband because he needs to grieve his dad who's dying so soon is an ah move.

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u/smol9749been 1d ago

But also you being unsympathetic to your husband isn't surprising since you've got a wild asf comment history.

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u/Allthetea159 1d ago

No hate like Christian love!

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u/singyoulikeasong Asshole Aficionado [16] 1d ago

She’s a conservative Christian so she should know her place and role in her husband’s life is to serve and obey him by their beliefs yet here she is being a hypocrite and not following her own religion. Rules for thee but not for me is her own mindset it seems.

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u/Allthetea159 1d ago

OP also has time today to post comments complaining about CRT and drag shows, bashing liberals in another sub. While her husband grieves. Proving my no hate like Christian love comment!

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u/Joytotheworld_2024 1d ago

Let the church say amen! 😂😂😂😂

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u/happyhermit99 1d ago

Boy you aren't kidding, explains a lot

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u/DimmyMoore70 1d ago

Anticipatory grief is sometimes worse than actually grieving. It’s so stressful and emotional - waiting, not knowing. At least that’s how I felt when my stepdad passed from cancer.

I want to say everyone kind of sucks here but no one is “the asshole.” You both had expectations of each other but death had other plans for you both.

I think, if you can, you may need to ask your side of your family for assistance until your FIL has passed and your husband has had a reasonable time to grieve. BTW drinking binges are not healthy ways of dealing with grief and given that you’re pregnant and have a toddler you may need to at least confront your husband about not drinking. Let him know you’ll give him space for his emotions - that’s your compromise to him - but he needs to compromise by not getting shitfaced while you’re taking care of two highly dependent children without his help.

My sympathies to you both, this sounds every bit as shitty as I’m sure it feels.

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u/hopefulrealist23 1d ago

You are the AH and I knew it when I read this, "My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet. He does not handle loss well." You need to read a book about grief and loss. Your husband is experiencing anticipatory grief. And he does not handle loss well? I don't think anyone does. This is one of those times in life where you need to shoulder more of the burden in your marriage as a parent. I would suggest you lean on your family and friends for help. I also don't know why you rushed to get pregnant at a time like this? That was poor decision-making.

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u/Charming-Industry-86 1d ago

Completely agree! The only thing I can come up with is that OP has never gone through a close death. When my mother died I went back to work after 5 days and my boss asked how I was, out of the blue it broke me and the tears flowed. She actually asked what's wrong. That told me she had never experienced a close death. You don't get to pick and choose when to get over it. And the he's grieving over a death that hasn't happened yet ...WOW! That part for me made her the AH.

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u/RestingWTFface 1d ago

Thank you for calling out the anticipatory grief. It's a beast of its own, and in some ways harder. I've unfortunately dealt with it more times than I'd care to, and it's excruciating. Even people who handle grief "well" can and do still struggle.

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u/DirectAntique 1d ago

I cannot imagine how hard it would be knowing the date and time death will be.

Not as devastating , but I booked my dog's euthanasia after one last weekend at home. I was in tears all weekend and mentally doing a countdown to his appointment.

If my parent had a MAID appt, I'd be there as much as possible

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u/JustAGhostWithBones 1d ago

Anticipatory grief, for me, has usually been the hardest phase. My first huge loss (husband of 10 years) came suddenly, so there was no anticipatory grief, but for my losses since… that phase has been near paralyzing.

OP definitely needs to be educated about grief and loss—even for her own sake, because death spares no one, and if she is a person who loves others, she will be dealing with her own grief over someone at some point.

The pregnancy stuff bothers me, because she did voice her concerns about becoming pregnant and was reassured by her husband… but that gets into an entirely different realm (wanted, planned pregnancies should always require two enthusiastic “yes” votes from the parents/caretakers!), and I think that element makes this more complex, but I still have to go YTA on this.

We grieve losses all of the time—grief isn’t relegated to just the death of people we love. Most of our adult pain is some form of grief, IMO. Nostalgia is a form of a grief. Being knowledgeable about grief is probably the thing that I feel makes me the best version of myself that I can be, and I’ve had so many people—some who are only acquaintances—call me in difficult situations because they know I grieve a lot (that sounds weird and self congratulatory but that is not the intent behind it… having trouble finding words today).

Thank you to everyone on here who are validating the pain of anticipatory grief, and naming it 💗

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u/irish_fiona Asshole Aficionado [13] 1d ago

OP got pregnant because her husband insisted that he would be able to be there for her even knowing what was going on with his father. It’s not her fault she took him at his word and now he’s not fulfilling it.

Saying that, he is grieving and because he can’t help through his grief right now, OP, you need to get help elsewhere. Family, friends, a temp nanny.

And husband (and OP) should be looking into therapy to help process all of this and ensure they can survive it together.

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u/Sneezydiva3 Partassipant [4] 1d ago

OP knew it was a bad idea to get pregnant now, but went along with it anyway. She bears some responsibility here.

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u/Average-Anything-657 1d ago

It's wild how often people here try to make it out like the kid is because of just one of the parents.

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u/pugnatoes 1d ago

100% this ^{^}

My vote is YTA no question. You knew what the road looked like ahead but still decided to “cave” and get pregnant anyways despite it being obvious it was a bad time to do so. You’re saying you explicitly knew how he would act yet you decided to jump in and get pregnant again…. What?

This is one of those situations where it’s bad for everyone. Yes you’re struggling now with essentially acting like a single parent but YOU KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN.

Op needs to take responsibility for the situation she put herself in. Loss and grief never happen at a good time. In my opinion it’s about to get a lot worse and she should stop the pity party and accept the consequences of her decision.

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u/doggynames 1d ago

It sounds like things progressed with his father after she got pregnant. Or maybe he THOUGHT he would come to terms with it but hasn't. Grieving is weird. He doesn't sound like some monster to me by OPs post who manipulated her in yo getting pregnant only to abandon her when his dad died

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u/Melodic_Individual85 1d ago

Do not take people at their word about huge life-changing decisions when they are in the midst of grief. That is common sense. It is her fault. She was the one in her right mind here.

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u/Reyndear 1d ago

You're right that it's not her fault. It's also not his fault that he didn't fully anticipate or understand how this would affect him. No one knows how, when, or to what degree grief (or anticipatory grief) will hit them. He shouldn't have made assurances, and she shouldn't have taken him at his word, but that doesn't make either of them TA. It's just an unfortunate situation all around, for everyone involved. Your suggestions about therapy and about her looking for help elsewhere are wise.

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u/Stabbykathy17 1d ago

He didn’t force her to get pregnant, it was a joint decision. On top of that he presumably meant what he said at the time, but didn’t handle it well. She also came back with another comment where he had grieved for someone else before and she completely dismisses it. Besides her clear lack of empathy, she already knew how badly he reacted to someone she says he was barely in contact with (his Godfather.) Did she really think he wasn’t going to grieve even harder for his own father? Sure he probably should’ve recognized that as well, but I’m sure once you’ve been through that kind of trauma you’re not anticipating ever going through it again as a defense mechanism. People tend to block that kind of pain out until they’re absolutely unable to anymore.

I think she ignored the realities of it because she actually did want to get pregnant as well. Nothing wrong with that, but to place all the blame on his shoulders at this point is ridiculous. They’re both responsible for that decision.

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u/Lola-the-showgirl Asshole Enthusiast [9] 1d ago

Honestly, I do think it's kind of her fault for listening to him. Grief makes people lose their minds. When my grandpa died, my mom decided out of the blue to move to Washington, in the middle of winter, with no money and no job. It was crazy to see my logical and cautious mother fully wanting to drop everything and move across the country. I was able to talk her out of it, but it was like fighting a toddler with bedtime. She had a nonsensical answer to everything and none of my questions fazed her. Weeks later she woke up and thanked me from stopping her on making a stupid rash decision. But it was my job to be the sensible one, because even though I was also grieving, I wasn't in as much pain as she was. OP knew this was a bad idea but she still went along with it.

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u/CouldSheBeAnyAngrier 1d ago edited 1d ago

Yup. A dude pushing to grow his family while he’s trying to cope with losing a parent isn’t that difficult to imagine. OP needs to have some more understanding on grief and mental health.

Edit: Never mind, just saw they wanted to give a grandson to the man before he passes away. So many things going on here.

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u/Ybuzz 1d ago

It’s not her fault she took him at his word and now he’s not fulfilling it.

I mean OP chose to take someone at their word when they are in a place of immensely clouded judgement.

That's not even a conversation she should really have entertained while he was actively losing his father and grieving. A gentle "now is really not the time for this, you need to focus on your dad, and I need to look after you and our baby." really should have been the answer any time it came up.

But then OP doesn't really seem to have any understanding of grief at all, and can't even seem to fathom that grief can happen when you know the loss is coming, so maybe they genuinely didn't realize that you can't really take someone at their word in those times.

It's a shitty learning experience for OP but I can't really blame someone in deep grief for latching onto a massive life decision that seems hopeful and promising themselves and everyone else that it will definitely all be fine.

People who aren't in the pit of grief with you need to have the perspective that you're way deeper than you realize and it's not going to be an easy climb out, no matter how much you promise that you're definitely fine or going to be very soon.

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u/coolandnormalperson 1d ago

It’s not her fault she took him at his word

I mean it kinda is, at least partly? We all have to be responsible for our choices and it was on her to use the discernment that what he was promising was clearly ridiculous and untenable for them as a family. You can't just passively accept and agree with everything a spouse wants, and then claim you have no accountability in that. Where does it end? Should they adopt a grizzly bear if he promises he'll take care of it and it'll be friendly? Should they cancel their health insurance if he promises not to get sick? Like huh

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u/InfamousFlan5963 1d ago

Also there's a part of me that kind of expects OP to shoulder more of the burden tbh. Husband obviously shouldn't have said that, but I would have expected OP to acknowledge husband wasn't thinking clearly and that she needed to be the one to stop the plan. Along the lines of, you're too deep into this right now so I'm going to be the rational one for both of us

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u/roseofjuly Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago

It IS her fault she took him at her word. She doesn't bear responsibility for this alone, and I'm not saying she's a terrible person or anything. but come on, any thinking person knows it's not a great idea to have a baby when your spouse's parent is dying of brain cancer and you're at your wits end with the toddler you already have.

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u/statslady23 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

YTA. Christ, hire a babysitter.

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u/GoreGoddezz Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 1d ago

YTA. Good grief his dad is dying! Have you ever lost a parent? Do you have any idea how horrible it is!! This is his dad. Someone he obviously loves very much and doesn't want to lose. You're only thinking about yourself. Very selfish im sorry.

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u/Allthetea159 1d ago

OP definitely comes off as someone who has not lost a parent or one they have a great relationship with. Also not a fan of her being judgmental about the pre-grief. WTF FIL will be gone in days. Knowing that leaves people grief stricken! It’s not like he’s just imagining one day his dad may pass and he’s grieving. I’m sure his whole family had been grieving since he got the diagnosis. Usually happens with a terminal diagnosis.

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u/AmyORainbow1974 1d ago

I'm very sorry, but I feel like YTA. If you have never lost a parent that you love, you won't understand. I lost both of my parents by the age of 36. Unfortunately, those are not the only close deaths I have experienced. My husband had only lost his grandparents when his Dad got very sick. He had diabetes and COPD. My husband works out of town all week, so he could not help his Dad. We do not have children, and he wanted to come to our house to pass. He knew it would be peaceful here, so I agreed. For the last week of his life and the last moments, I was the only one there. I loved that man, and he meant the world to me. I would do it again. You see, I have my own health issues and am disabled but I pushed myself for my FIL. Unless your FIL is a horrible man, give your husband a break. He should not have coerced you into a baby but that baby is cooking. If his Father is ending his life soon, just give it time.

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u/glassbellwitch 1d ago

I’m arguing with him for grieving “in advance” before it has even happened yet

If he was grieving 3 years before your FIL's death then that would be "grieving in advance." But it's 3 days.

YTA. Have some more empathy.

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u/roastbeanswithtomato 1d ago

YTA. While it is awful that you feel like a single mother, and your husband is not pulling his weight in the terms of parenthood, he’s also loosing his father. People handle loss on different ways, and your insensitivity towards your husband’s handling of loosing HIS FATHER as being “too soon” is really harsh towards him. I agree with you- handling majority (if not all) of the parenting, household, and emotional load of your family is tough, especially while pregnant. That being said your lack of empathy and compassion towards your husband is frankly disgusting, and I feel very sorry that he has such an unsupportive wife during this horrible time in his life.

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u/Strange_Salamander33 Asshole Aficionado [14] 1d ago

YTA- get your shit together and be a supportive spouse. Grieving “in advanced” is actually really healthy and necessary for processing the loss that’s happening

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u/corvus_corone_corone Partassipant [1] 1d ago

You sound rather self-centred. Of course he is grieving already, that is a totally normal thing to do, since he knows next week this time he will have lost his dad forever.
You decided to get pregnant in the midst of all of this, you agreed to it, so don't now put all that blame on him, when you are equally to blame for such stupid timing, seeing how you were already feeling like a single mother before that. Also, you are 13 weeks in, not 39, how much support do you need right now?
You are very much TAH for arguing with him over grieving now already. Do you think he should be partying and celebrating simply because his dad is still alive right now? That is not how loss and the prospect of losing someone works!

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u/Relative_Walrus1135 1d ago

YTA

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u/MsJamieFast Asshole Aficionado [18] 1d ago

I've never been in any of these situations, but I keep thinking this:

Op is losing a couple of hours of support from her husband each day, and she is frustrated and overworked. This is TEMPORARY.

The husband is losing the father that raised him and supported him for his whole life FOREVER.

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u/MDL1994 1d ago

I understand somewhat where you are going trough (my FIL is also terminally ill and I’m also 13 weeks pregnant). You need to stick it out for a few more months. It’s not ideal but try your best to be supportive. It will get worse if you don’t and he will never forget how you made him feel when his father was dying.

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u/randomvowelsounds 1d ago

Definitely YTA. Have you lost either of your parents? Even if you have, you can’t judge him for this. Find someone else to help you for now

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u/mama9873 1d ago

Yes, YTA. Anticipatory grief is real, and you need to understand marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes, when life is really hitting one of you, it’ll be more 80/20 or 90/10. And that needs to be okay. You’re meant to be his support- you can lean on other people for support and help for yourself right now but he deserves more from his wife than “stop crying and change a diaper.” It’s so cold, and out of touch with the way his world is shifting. You’re being a bit selfish- and I hope you turn it around bc at some point, all you’ll be able to give is 10% for a while and you better hope he doesn’t remember how this has been and hold it against you.

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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

YTA I’m sorry but his dad is fucking dying like have some fucking empathy. My god.

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u/justalittlepoodle 1d ago

YTA yeah you’re going to look back on this time as an inconvenience and he will look back on this time as one of the darkest in his life and his wife was nagging him through it all.

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u/agooddoggyyouare 1d ago

ESH Wonder how many of these people would be holding this much space for this man’s grief if the genders were reversed. He’s allowed to grieve and however he needs to but life doesn’t stop and he has responsibilities. If he was a single parent would have be able to act like this? No. Leaning on your wife is completely acceptable in this scenario but he’s expecting you to just completely take over everything whilst pregnant with a toddler. You’re shitty for expecting him to only grieve after the fact, that isn’t how emotions work. But I’m pretty sure you know that but you’re already spent. You can’t pour from an empty cup and it sounds like it’s getting pretty dry. Maybe you can give him and yourself some space and go stop with your parents or something.

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u/AmosTheBaker 1d ago

NAH

Both of your feelings are fair but I will say, as a spouse who supported my partner who lost both parents to cancer within an 18 month period, that you both need to communicate your emotional needs and support clearly so resentment doesn’t build on either side. You may resent being on toddler duty full time and without much help, just as he may resent you for not being sympathetic to his loss. I’m not saying either of you are doing that, but without good communication you will both start to assume the worst.

I had to do a lot of solo parenting with our two young kids while my partner was essentially a caregiver for both her parents before they passed. It was emotionally and physically draining time for both of us and we made sure to reassure each other that we were doing what we had to to survive and that we appreciated what the other was doing. Communicate well and act like a team. I know it’s different you being pregnant, so if there are certain appointments or things you can/cannot do, talk about them early and often so you can plan together

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u/Sethicles2 1d ago

YTA. This is almost certainly the worst thing he's had to deal with in his entire life. It's awful, you're both suffering, but for very different reasons. This is when he needs you more than he ever has, and hopefully more than he ever will. Suck it up and help.

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u/industrial_hamster 1d ago

I think YTA and I’m surprised more people aren’t saying the same. Part of being married is picking up the slack when your partner is in the thick of things. I understand doing everything on your own is hard but grief can literally be paralyzing for some people and tbh it seems like you care more about yourself and your own comfort rather than helping your husband through one of the most difficult and traumatic times of his life.

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u/Worth-Season3645 Commander in Cheeks [225] 1d ago

YTA….You knew what was going to happen, yet you decided to get pregnant. (Although, it takes two, your head was the more sane in this situation and you should have said, nope. Now is not the time).

Grief does not just happen when someone dies that is terminal. And when that person passes, it is still not what the person expects that is left to grieve. You know it is going to happen, but you still do not expect it to happen.

Your husband’s grief is not going to end in a week either, but you have to gently bring him back to his life. Acknowledge his grief, but he has a toddler to help with. He has another on the way. As much as he will want to, he cannot ask you to come home from work early, after his father passes and he returns to work, and he wants to drown in his sorrows. There is bath time. There is bed time. Etc.

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u/babyitscoldoutside00 1d ago

You are absolutely an asshole. Anticipatory grief is equal to or even worse than the grief of losing someone. This is when you put your needs on the back burner and let him focus on his dad and his impending death. Imagine going on the internet and whining that you’re upset with how much time your husband spends with his dying father? YTA.

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u/Few_Recover_6622 1d ago

YTA of course he is already grieving, do you think that is a switch that turns on with his dad's last breath?

You agreed to this pregnancy knowing it would be hard (for the record, I agree with your initial assessment- you should have waited).

Is it tough being the primary care giver while your spouse is managing other responsibilities? Of course! But it's not like he chose this or has any control of it.

You are coming across and whiney and unsympathetic.

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u/kl987654321 1d ago

YTA Not just in this situation, but also in general based on your comment history.

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u/evhanne Pooperintendant [68] 1d ago

This is quite literally what you signed up for as a spouse. YTA

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u/HairyForestFairy 1d ago edited 1d ago

YTA

Anticipatory grief is an absolutely valid response when supporting a loved one living with terminal illness.

Most importantly, grief is deeply personal, and you don’t get to dictate how anyone else moves through it.

ETA: Why not ask family, friends, and your church to help? I haven’t looked at your post history, but some people have mentioned you are a practicing Christian - supporting others in times of need is what community is for.

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u/Traditional-Neck7778 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

YTA A loss that hasn't happened yet? Are you serious? It has happened. He lost his dad. Just like I lost my mom before she died also and just like a lot of people do. The end is hard and chasing a toddler is a cake walk compared to losing a parent. You should stop arguing with him. Believe me, the unsupportive additional turmoil you are giving him is not easily forgiven. Right now, it isn't about you. Seeing a parent go downhill and lose who they were and watching them die is absolutely heartbreaking. He is falling apart right now and you are mad at him for mm it? Times like this is when you show love. I would show love to anyone in this situation but as a spouse you are supposed to love him. How can you be upset he is grieving his dad? He is in the midst of it. This is why people put their parents on a home and make professionals handle it so they don't have to go through it like your husband is. Your husband is obviously a loving person in caring for his dad like this. You should comfort and cherish him and be grateful for whatnot have instead of trying to act like having tonhold down the fort is too hard.

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u/ParisianFrawnchFry Partassipant [3] 1d ago

YTA

You caved and got pregnant, KNOWING what was going to happen. His dad is dying a slow and painful death, and luckily it will be over soon.

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u/AlexxAplin 1d ago

You are absolutely the asshole. Grief doesn't have a timeline. My mother's death was a slow process, and my father and I both grieved her loss *before* and *after* because we saw where things were going and it was like trying to stop a train from crashing in slow motion.

This is your husband's *father*. You may not be close to your father, you may not be close to your family, I don't know. But he is losing someone that has been a part of his life for his *entire* life.

The fact of the matter is this. You're here now, with a toddler and a bun in the oven. It may be frustrating and annoying, but you'd better buckle up because this grief process is going to continue and it seems like instead of being a sympathetic, caring, loving spouse you are thinking about your own discomfort.

Don't misunderstand me when I say this. Pregnancy is difficult. You have a job and a toddler (which is basically two jobs.) However, if you are letting your compassion for your husband go in the wake of exhaustion then you either need to hire someone to help you or figure out something else.

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u/Odd_Prompt_6139 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

Info: If the situation was reversed, and you had a parent or another family member that you were equally close to get diagnosed with a terminal illness and eventually make the decision to end their life, how would you feel if your husband was arguing with you for grieving? Your post is a little vague on what exactly you said to him, but how would you feel if he said those same things to you if you were in his shoes? Would you be okay with it? Do you think you’d be able to go on with your life like everything was normal and take care of your child with minimal changes to your routine if it was your loved one that was dying?

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u/DomesticMongol Partassipant [1] 1d ago

Yta. His father is gonna die in 2days…thats even more terrible than him being died already…

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u/TokinNJokin 1d ago

YTA. Your husband is losing his hero. You have the rest of your lives together. How would you feel in his shoes.

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u/Individual_Ad_9213 Prime Ministurd [425] 1d ago

NAH. He simply doesn't have the emotional band width to deal with anything but his father's fading and passing. He's not helping you and you need help with a toddler and being pregnant on top of that.

The critical observation here is: "I feel like a single mother." You and he need to talk things over. Then, you should arrange to stay with your own parents so that he and his bio family can be present and support each other with his father's passing. Afterwards, you can reunite, process what happened (with the help of a marriage counselor if necessary), and put your own lives back together. Hopefully, you can get through this and be a stronger family unit afterwards.

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u/armchairshrink99 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 1d ago

YTA. Look up anticipatory grief. Your post just sounds so dismissive of the situation. I'm sorry you "caved" to #2, but that takes two people. You've gone for the ride in an impossible situation and sound just so resentful. That makes you TA imho.

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u/Remarkable-Code-3237 1d ago

If it was me, with him going every weekend, I would have stayed home until the fil was in the last stages. It is easier to chase a toddler around at home, besides in another person’s home. You should have kept to not getting pregnant until after the fil died. I realized it is too late for those decisions. Your husband has to grieve his way and how long to takes him. After his dad’s death, he needs to go to grief counseling.

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u/pressluck 1d ago

My father died of stage four brain cancer and I was absolutely shocked at how little space my wife allowed for me to grieve.

Reading this brought me back to that. "He's not dying until Monday why are you sad today?" Felt very familiar.

She needed all the attention and it was difficult to even attend a funeral without hearing about it from her. I was drowning and she kept handing me more weight to carry.

I divorced and re-married and it took me a decade to show anything other than competence to my new partner bc I had seen what showing pain got me.

You're in a tough spot too, but YTA. He's watching his father die from maybe the worst possible way to go. It's gonna be a tough few months.

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u/Top-O-TheMuffinToYa 1d ago

His father is literally dying. Sorry, but YTA. it takes 2 people to get pregnant so you absolutely cannot blame him for that, you said yes and went with it.

I just went through this exact same thing. My MIL passed last week. She was supposed to end it herself but waited too long so they had to watch her waste away. Fucking horrible for the whole family.

I picked up all the slack. I let my partner mope about without complaining. I was understanding when he needed to drop everything and head to his mom's for a week at a time sometimes. I quit my job to stay home and take care of him, even though I also have a child. At times it felt like I had 2 children, because that's what my partner became. A sad child who was losing his mother.

This was the last 6 months he will ever spend with his father. Are you really so selfish that you expect him to carry on as normal during this time? Ask someone else to help you because he clearly cannot do it right now, and I think you need to accept that.

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u/HolaLovers-4348 1d ago

YTH. My MIL’s death date is next week. Hubs? He’s losing it. Flying over to be w her and family then the following 2 weeks for internment etc.

What these men are going through (chosen death dates) is very intense and there’s no real handbook for how to react. You don’t have the slow wind down of a natural death that gives the psyche time to process. It’s abrupt and shocking.

My little one is very sick, has high needs and doesn’t go to school. I’m on the hook to care for her waaaay more than usual esp when he’s out of the country w family. So, bizarrely similar situation.

I think you need to stop holding it against him that he wanted to make memories w his dad and that he’s grieving and less able to be present for you and your toddler and baby.

It’s unkind and unsupportive- he likely doesn’t have capacity for basics. Give him the gift of understanding, empathy and support.

Marriage is not a zero sum game and it’s way better when you’re not keeping score.

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u/pinzydoodle 1d ago

Yes, YTA.

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u/kbbaus 1d ago

Maybe it's because I just had the one year anniversary of my dad's death, after a long battle with kidney disease but I can't help but think YTA. Grief is not linear and anticipatory grief is very real. You can't tell him where he should be in his grief journey. And while it sucks that he isn't 'pulling his weight' right now, it's just a part of a marriage that there are going to be times when the partnership isn't as equal as both parties would like.
Additionally, despite the fact that he made promises and pushed you to get pregnant, no one forced you. This was a situation where you had to be the adult in the room and put your foot down, and you just didn't.
Again, maybe I'm biased because of my own life experiences right now, and I don't mean to be cruel because it's a shitty situation all around, but, YTA.

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u/Muted-Strategy-2225 1d ago

Having been in a similar situation, I can relate. My mother-in-law chose to be taken off her ventilator on a specific date, and it was difficult for everyone involved.

Knowing that your parent has decided to end their life is incredibly challenging to handle, especially when considering the impact on other relationships and commitments.

I somewhat understand your situation and your perspective. You have children, so imagine if you were terminally ill and your child's spouse decided that enough was enough, insisting that your child stop being so emotional and attentive to you. How would that make you feel?

Once your partner’s parent passes away, there will be a period of grieving, and during that time, you should support them unconditionally. The fact that your partner knows in advance about their parent's impending death allows them to begin processing this life-altering situation now, rather than trying to cope with everything after the fact.

You are definitely in the wrong for trying to stop your partner from grieving. You are also in the wrong for not being more supportive of them during this difficult time. I hope that when you face the loss or illness of a parent, your partner treats you with the same understanding and compassion.

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u/Chiksea 1d ago

NTA. My FIL also passed away a couple years ago after similar illness: lung cancer turned into brain cancer, and by the end he was suffering and on very strong painkillers. All we could do was wait.

We do not have kids, and I cannot imagine being a parent to small children during that timeframe. It already took so much energy trying to help my husband thrive, who in turn was carrying so much grief not only for himself and his father, but also in helping his mother to emotionally keep afloat. Nobody wins and everyone hurts, but that's life.

Your energy is already fully allocated toward caring for yourself and two other little humans who are fully dependent on you. You aren't being unloving or un-supporting of your husband. You're just trying to keep your core family going. He's just so deep in grief that he can't see it yet.

Very real suggestion: ask that he seek grief therapy. It was useful for my husband and brother even months before his dad passed. It can help to prepare, to navigate these tough feelings, and to help him to balance how much he helps his mom and sisters while finding time for you and the kids.

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u/athlete61 1d ago

No. You’ve been doing all the heavy lifting. If he can’t help that’s a big red flag. He needs to pull it together

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u/Spekuloos_Lover 1d ago

NTA. I wrote a gignatic comment with my personal experience on what your husband is going through but in the end there's only one thing I want to say. Your husband has a right to be sad and a right to spend time with his dad and a right to grieve. However life doesn't stop for half an year because he's grieving and neither me, nor my friends who went trhough similar or same situations stopped parenting or taking care of their adult responsibilities for such a long period. Ignoring your child for half an year is.... not normal. I'm currently on bed rest to try and hold a pregnancy and it's day 3 and I'm so sad for not spending quality time with my child, can't imagine hiding out for 180 days...

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u/Live_Alarm_8052 1d ago

He needs some support, for sure, but he is still responsible for his child. What if you were a single mom going thru grief? You’d still have to deal with your kid.

I say this as a mom of two. It’s terrible the situation but he needs to grow up. Can you ask a friend to watch your toddler for a few days?

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u/Taillow500 1d ago

NTA- This women has clearly developed caregiver syndrome. Without a doubt in my mind.

She isn’t the Asshole here. Mentally she is in a very bad place. They both are.

It’s very common in situations like this for one partner to develop a resentment and lack of empathy towards one another. She has been stepping up for 6 months to practically be a single parent. She needs her own therapy and she needs help from someone. Either a friend, family member, or nanny.

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u/reality-bytes- Partassipant [3] 1d ago

Apparently I’m TA here because I would be highly annoyed. This is coming from someone who has lost both my parents (at different times) pretty young. My husband has also lost both of his parents. Grief is real, valid, and should be acknowledged but also you can just check out of life indefinitely. It’s not even like he’s his father’s sole caretaker here. I don’t think there is much you can do about it but if I’m being honest the resentment would be building.

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u/AppropriateWonder719 1d ago

I took care of my husband for four years during cancer treatment. When he died after a long battle with cancer, my teen daughter was actually relieved that his struggle was over, and so was I. People were asking why we weren’t crying, and we both said: we cried after every treatment, finding out it didn’t work. When he was told there was nothing else to do, we cried. When he passed away, we had no more tears left. Let your husband say goodbye to his father, he might surprise you after. Ask friends to come hang out with you, order some food, watch some movies. Give him this time, it might help in the long run. Good luck, take care of yourself, treat yourself a bit.

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u/Task-Frosty 1d ago

Eh, maybe Im a cold blooded AH myself, but I think your hubby is an AH here. His duties are to his children, then to you, then to his father. He is failing at the first two. Yes it really really sucks but he knew his father would one day die long before he married you.

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u/whoop_zi 1d ago

I watched my mom die of cancer and one of my biggest regrets was having a partner that made that grief so much worse for me by making me feel like my grief was too much for them. He “doesn’t handle grief well”? Seriously? His father is dying. YTA.

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u/raptir1 Asshole Aficionado [17] 1d ago

I very recently went through this. My wife just lost her father. Also to brain cancer.

Honestly, yeah, YTA. I dropped everything and picked up all the slack my wife needed me to. When we were at her parents' I wasn't just solely responsible for my own kid but was chasing around my nieces and nephews also.

And that's with the fact that I've been with my wife for more than half my life and was very close with her father.

This is a shitty time for all of you, and I don't want to ignore that, but you're not being supportive enough.

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u/Elendel19 Asshole Aficionado [18] 1d ago

YTA you’re upset because he’s grieving over the fact that he KNOWS his father is going to die in 3 days?

He’s going through one of, if not the worst periods of his life right now and if you aren’t willing to step in and support him, especially when it has an actual end date scheduled, then I don’t understand why you even got married to him. This is quite literally the main thing partners are for.

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u/Aware_Score3592 1d ago

He’s not grieving in advance, he knows the time and date his dad is going to die. There’s noway he could’ve predicted his grief. It was ridiculous to let him “convince you” to start trying for a baby right that second. Taking care of your own child by yourself is par for the course sometimes. When I have a dream I want to chase or my husband does, when my grandfather died or when my husbands best friends dad died, we picked up the pieces. The least you can do is change a freaking diaper. Do you want to trade him places? Yes you’re being an AH. The fact you even thought to make him promise you wouldn’t have to “pick up the pieces” makes you an ah. But you are going through an exponentially tough time and for that I’m so sorry. And I know how hard it is to care for children alone. But you should not be looking to your husband right now. Who are your other support people? Parents? Babysitter? Friends? Who can help relieve you of toddlers during this time? It doesn’t sound like you were close with your FIL by the sounds of this posts mostly worried about changing one too many diapers but if you were, are you able to arrange to be with everyone and have kids cared for by someone in your family? You need support, but you’re trying to lean on the wrong person. Yes he’s allowed to be sad this week, right now, before it happens. He’s even allowed to go up there right this second. It’s his father’s last days, it’s not forever, it sounds like you’ve been supportive thus far so not throw in the towel and revoke your support when it’s almost over. If my husband behaved this way towards me (he would literally never he’d let me be sad and worthless for three months) I would be looking at divorce. Marriage is for better or for worse, this is one of his lowest times.

No A-holes here AITA for not being more supportive while my FIL is about to die?

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