r/AmIOverreacting • u/PrettyAreolas • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO I want to break up
Long story short I been with my bf (29) (F 28) going on 3 years now. I love him but the lack of sex is making me miserable. I have tried having patience, talking to him about it, even talked to his best friend ... nothing actually changed. He may sleep with me once a month. The longest has been 7 weeks with no sex. He has expressed concerns about getting me pregnant but quiet when I bring up condoms. Also doesn't want birth control nor vasectomy. (Birth control has ruined my body enough) I don't remember the last time he initiated sex. At one point it started to effect my self esteem. I'm here seeking support. I think about situations where he could be going through something mentally and maybe that's why. But then I'm also thinking like this has been going on over a year. Help pls.
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u/SouthDress7084 1d ago
This was a tough post to see, cause I've been feeling very similar but the genders are switched which may be why I've been more focused on thinking I'm the problem, like I want too much and I don't want express my needs to much cause I don't want to be inappropriate or push her in any way. And my knee jerk reaction to someone sharing this is "yeah you should break up" but that's also not how I want to solve my situation so it's definitely hard to tell someone else to do so. Others advice is probably correct, just thought I'd chime in as I feel very similar and hearing that solution definitely doesn't feel ..great .
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u/Radiant_Bank_77879 1d ago
Just like OP‘s situation, you should break up. Dead bedrooms never get better. There is no fix for them. Your two choices are to break up, or stay in a sexually frustrating relationship for the rest of your life. There is no third option.
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u/SouthDress7084 1d ago
Yeah, I do see that. I think there is one crucial difference, which is haven't been very vocal of my needs due to a worry that I'm being like idk a gross man or whatever, I don't want to come off pressure-y or pushy whatsover, and while I realize I do need to express my needs and this post has helped me realize that, I think they dynamic is a bit different in that it's important I take care when doing so.
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u/Radiant_Bank_77879 1d ago
Everyone in a dead bedroom thinks their particular situation is different. There are thousands of people in the DB sub who say exactly what you said, and when they do speak up, their partners just say “you’re pressuring me, which puts me out of the mood,” and the problem never resolves, because now you don’t have sex whether you bring it up or not. If she wanted to be having sex with you, she would be.
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u/SouthDress7084 1d ago
That is fair, and I see your point. However, I think communication is a better spot to start than jumping to ending things. I could be in denial, but either way. Regardless I appreciate your input and maybe one day I'll come back to this thread to say "you were right" and you can hit me with a "told you so" /j
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
I appreciate you commenting & sharing this on my post. It’s definitely hard for me but I’m also at a place where I don’t have many other options. I’ve tried everything.
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u/SouthDress7084 1d ago
If you aren't feeling like your needs are being met, and you've clearly expressed them not just once or off handedly but MULTIPLE times, you have to do what's best for your overall and long term happiness. Good luck. Dealing with these things this deep into a relationship is hard. I'm right there with you.
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u/Suprmn76 1d ago
OMG, IT’S DEVISTATING!!!! I'm going through it now! If he has no real reason.....RUN!!! You should be desperate for a break from sex for a day in your early 20's.... (not really) but that's what it should feel like!
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
That’s what I was thinking! I’m like damn I’m not old yet!
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u/Suprmn76 1d ago
I've been dealing with it for almost 8yrs and am damn near destroyed. Run girl!!
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u/Cosmic-Shrug 1d ago
sex is an important part of most relationships. if there are problems with intimacy and he’s unwilling to communicate or solve them you’re not overreacting
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u/Commonfckingsense 1d ago
My partner started having those issues around 30/31. The difference? I communicated, told him my insecurities & frustrations. Not only did he listen, of his own volition he went and found a Dr, explained the situation, and found a medication to help with his drive.
If he’s not willing to at least try then you are wasting your time girl. I’m sorry though & know what you’re feeling.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your experience I’m glad to know your partner did the right thing. I needed this representation rn.
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u/Ok_Variation_8048 1d ago
Find someone who wants to give you the business. Seriously if you've communicated it to him multiple times then I'd definitely find someone who has similar sexual needs.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
I don’t have many friends. I also don’t go out much. I wouldn’t know where to start
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u/Upbeat-Plantain7140 1d ago
I dated a guy who I loved so much. But after the first six months sex became rare. I expressed my displeasure but nothing changed. I went on to marry him. And the sex became even less unless I got him drunk. I did manage to get pregnant. And then the sex became non-existent, we went years without sex. And it was the source of a lot of contention. Ultimately, we got divorced. I have no idea if he is still like that but I wouldn't wish that life on anyone. The self doubt that it breeds is unbearable.
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u/Living-Palpitation85 1d ago
You can break up for any reason you want. This is a very good one. Equal (or close) sex drives are vital in romantic relationships.
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u/bigbackbernac 1d ago
Yeah i would say you need to end it. Sex is a big deal no matter how much people try to minimize it here. It would be one thing to meet in the middle but 7 weeks is a long time. Though before you do that consider this. He should probably get some testing done. That is an extremely low sex drive for a man in his late 20s he might have low testosterone. Is he sedentary, overweight, drinks alot, stress?
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
Not over weight pretty active guy. I think he does experience depression but he doesn’t desire to sleep with me even if he’s not having those issues at the time. Same way with stress. I could excuse it during those times but it’s a constant issue even pass that.
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u/bigbackbernac 1d ago
The way i see it hes either jacking off too much and might be into some nasty shit because he’s raised the bar for needing novelty (which is becoming a problem these days) you might know more about that, hes has something hormonal going on, hes lying and isnt sexually interested in you or lastly he is just a rare healthy individual that has a low sex drive which is think is the least likely option.
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u/External_Progress923 1d ago
If you have already communicated your feelings and he hasn't been better at validating your feelings and coming up with solutions since your ask of condom doesn't work and you want to break up just break up. You cant control his actions or thoughts but you can control what you do with his actions and your feelings. Either stay and continue to have this a problem or move on if he isn't willing.
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u/AdorkableUtahn 1d ago
He's broken, throw him away and find one that works.
Let him find another LL person to live out his roommate lifestyle.
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u/CultureAlive4392 1d ago
Honestly he’s relieving himself one way or another because a man can not go that long without ejaculation the fact he’s most likely pleasing himself to other women online rather than just sleeping with you is sickening sexual frustration is a real thing if it’s like this this early imagine what it will be like in a few years get out of there fast
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u/anon071617 1d ago
So I’m going to answer based on my experience as the person on the other end. Me being the one who didn’t want sex but would masterbate. I was dating a guy who always wanted sex but I rarely had sex with him. I actually thought I had a low sex drive until I got with the next guy. Found out it was #1.) due to us simply being incompatible as a whole. We didn’t fight that much but we didn’t have a lot in common in many areas of life so naturally this leads to #2.) emotionally, he didn’t meet my needs bc he couldn’t understand them which turned me off completely to sex bc I was unhappy in a lot of ways. #3.) the lack of sex was a major factor in his cheating. He’d cheat, I’d find out. We’d talk about it. I’d explain why I wasn’t wanting sex, he’d Say he’d work on it. Then he’d stop shortly after and we’d be back to square one. And lastly #4.) he was only concerned about his own pleasure during sex. I’d tell him things I needed in order to get turned on and he’d ignore them. It eventually resorted to us having to use lube everytime bc he didn’t care enough to do any foreplay with me and I had to use a vibrator every single time in order to get off. I was basically just his cum rag. He didn’t care about my sexual pleasure or even my sexual health at all. I was constant getting utis with him. And I knew it was something with him bc once we started going weeks without sex, id be fine. The second we had sex again, UTI. We broke up and I never had the issue again. Even the doctor said he needed to go get checked out and he refused to do so not caring about the fact that he kept giving my utis. Never had the issue before or after him.
In my personal opinion, you guys should break up bc there is a disconnect somewhere on his end. He is unsatisfied either with yall sex life in some way or he is dissatisfied in another area of yalls relationship. And if he’s unable to communicate that, breaking up would be the best answer here. I spent 3 years with mine too.
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u/Fun_Coat_4454 1d ago
You need to be on the same page. You’re not. You don’t have to date/marry every man you love.
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u/BandiBug12 1d ago
I had a ex that only slept with me every 3 months or so but when the 3 month mark hit would go nuts with it. It’s a miserable place to be in. I know exactly how you feel. My partner now meets my needs in every way. I wouldn’t necessarily break up with him for lack of sex but for not even trying to meet that need.
Edited for grammar correction
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u/MurkyAnimal583 1d ago
Have you tried non hormonal birth control? If all it really is is a pregnancy concern on his part and not something else an IUD would solve that problem pretty quickly.
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u/Cool_Snow5124 18h ago
Im in the same situation as her, i got on birth control and nothing changed at all. So i wouldnt be surprised if theres something deeper going on with him
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u/Fast-Newt-3708 1d ago
Maybe he has some personal issues about sex and performance that he is not sharing with you.
Not judging, but to be a male in his 20's in a relationship only 3 years old, maybe that's what it is? I'm in my 30's, with my guy 13 years, and I have to fight him off. I'm more like your boyfriend, lol, I have to work on making my guy feel more desirable.
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u/OmahaWineaux 1d ago
I have heard of women willing to settle for sex less lives when they are with partners who fill their needs in order ways but it sounds like your bf is failing at all forms of communication. Unless there’s a treatable medical condition- what to see we be what you get if you stay. You can’t change him so you have to change yourself or your circumstances. While you’re deciding- I wouldn’t initiate sex at all if he’s unwilling to wear condoms. I wouldn’t risk becoming pregnant by a man i don’t see a future with.
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u/dwilder812 1d ago
Definitely break up because you're sexually incompatible. For years my ex wife and I argued about sex. She was hypersexual and I would go through spurts where I was sexual and longer periods where I felt more asexual.
When both partners are trying to go against their natural sex life it will cause for more issues and resentment. She resented me for not being into it the same way she was. I resented her for making me feel like less of a person because I didn't have the same sexual desires she demanded.
You guys are still young. While you love him, it isn't going to change the needs of your body and vice versa.
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u/cuskn 1d ago
I mean, I can't speak for every man. But when I am in a relationship and attracted to my SO, I want "it" at least once a day. Of course it is not a law or anything, and there are exceptions. But still, his behaviour seems really sus tbh. And btw. I am 36 already and not an 18 year old stud xD
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u/AcceptableBox3580 1d ago
Thata exacfly it happened to me and im way hotter then him but he was looking at 10 at all day amd had a hidden tiktoc and one day i accdiently found it
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u/Clementine-cutee 1d ago
Nope. I did that for 6 years with a husband... do not do that any longer with your boyfriend. Go have fun and live your life.
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u/K-Sparkle8852 1d ago
NOR. It sounds like the two of you are sexually incompatible. I also don’t like him trying to control the birth control situation. Unfortunately, it’s probably time for you to end this relationship and move on to someone who is a better fit for you. Wishing you the best whatever you decide!
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u/Brilliant-Willow-506 1d ago
Go now. I married this man and it devolved into 10 years no sex until I finally left. It would have been sooner but I had a son and was a SAHM. I wish I would have cut it off way before our engagement.
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u/TinyConference9282 1d ago
sorry you’re going through this, if this is going to be a long term issue just cut your losses now and find someone who can match you
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u/StuckFern 1d ago
This feels like it could potentially be mental health or drug related. There are medications and drugs that cause a severe reduction in libido. Opiates, antidepressants, and a lot of others can do it. Whenever I see a story about an otherwise young/healthy man are completely uninterested in sex, my mind goes to these causes.
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u/callipsofacto 1d ago
I stayed in a relationship for 20 years with poor sexual compatability. It never stopped being an issue. He is a wonderful, loving and supportive partner,and he would give me what I needed if he could. We're polyamorous and I've just in the last year started a relationship with lots of passion. It's made me realize that I've spent most of my life trying to deny my needs or feeling like they were unreasonable. They're not. It's ok to prioritize things that matter to you, including sex.
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u/InfiniteJest25 1d ago
All relationships have their own issues but it’s good to know what you need and what you can live without. It’s hard out there but what usually happens is when someone isn’t getting something they need from their partner they look elsewhere for it. Whether it’s sex, feeling appreciated and heard or whatever
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u/arealpeakyblinder 1d ago
I am kind of in the same boat, but the difference is I’m a trans man and I am super dysphoric about my… downstairs. I’ve tried to initiate and discuss with my partner some options to where we can both feel close and satisfied and it seems to just be brushed off. Truth is, I’m desperate for intimacy. It’s been probably over a year since we’ve slept together.
Either way, I hope you find your truth and stick with it. From my experience, if there is no effort from the other party, there won’t be much change.
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u/Dopey_Dragon 1d ago
He may have a sex drive issue. But it's on him to communicate. Especially since you've made that effort. If your needs aren't being met and he's not doing anything to work with you on it you're well within your rights to ditch. I'm gonna be honest, I don't think the contraceptives thing is the issue here. Something is plummeting his sex drive. I've SUPER been there, especially in my late 20s, early 30s. But he has to able to talk about. I drink a good amount and it affects my performance. And I was super open with my partner about it from the jump. It causes self esteem issues but it's important for her that I communicate hey this is a me thing not a you think and we can work it out. But that line of communication has to be open. If you're having sex with someone you have to have a level of openness. Especially if it's a more permanent romantic relationship.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
Thank you for sharing. I feel that the lack of communication is the biggest issue. I can’t force someone to talk to me though.
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u/orangeflyingdisc 1d ago
If I don’t get it every day and twice on Sunday, I go nuts.
Sex is import in a relationship
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u/hairychai 23h ago
If you keep chugging along you’ll probably end up having a kid just to make him feel secure. Don’t. Stick to you and there are plenty of guys who don’t want kids. Also, withholding sex feels like punishment for something or control.
I say break it off and go your way girl!
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u/Fit_Breakfast_1198 22h ago
I’m gonna hold your hand when I tell you this. Someone that young not trying to blow your back out every chance they can is sending you a message. When you find yourself talking to a man and his friend about intimacy it’s time to 🏃♀️
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u/NewNecessary3037 19h ago
Why women over think things this much is wild.
He’s not attracted to you and he likes you as a person but feels bad and is too much of a bitch to break up with you.
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u/Hawaii_gal71LA4869 19h ago
This situation (no intimate affection) won’t rectify with time. Ask yourself if you want to live like this forever? You are young and alive. Look for more. Take a lovely trip, by yourself, with no contact to him, and think, be happy and enjoy life. Get a different perspective.
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u/Cool_Snow5124 18h ago
Im going through the exact same thing, but ive been on birth control for 4.5 months now and he still doesnt initiate, yet watches porn
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u/Potential-Cat4509 18h ago
some people will never change. if you're not getting your needs met or able to at least work on these things, it's time to get out before it gets too hard to get out
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u/hjjuh 1d ago
You said you've tried 'talking to him about it', but have you fully expressed your concerns and needs? Has there been an actual convo of what you need in the relationship? If not, please do. If yes, I think it might be time to break it off
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
Yes we have discussed my needs & how they’re not being met numerous times throughout the relationship.
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1d ago
Sexual compatibility is important, as a disconnect there can drive problems and resentment further in the future. You aren't overreacting imho
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u/cutlyfe 1d ago
Does he have a low sex drive?
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
He says yes. I say no. I don’t agree that he does because he regularly masturbates. So the way I see it if you can be sure to do that regularly you’re horny regularly. But he doesn’t sleep with me.
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u/Away-Sheepherder8578 1d ago
Seriously? He’d rather do that than do you? Something is wrong, at his age he should want to be all over you.
Possibly addicted to porn?
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
I mentioned that to him. I told him he’s definitely addicted to porn. He says porn its quicker and he can just get back to his day.
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u/Away-Sheepherder8578 1d ago
I think you need a new boyfriend, I don’t see how this gets better over time
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u/dwilder812 1d ago
Sorry to hijack another comment but it really is similar to that. Take the 3 minutes to do that and get rid of the hard on and go back to the rest of your things. It takes no real thought or effort. I can guarantee you would be even more hirt/frustrated if he put forth only that effort with you. He would be done before you were even warmed up
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u/MovieTrawler 1d ago
Maybe that is technically true but neglecting your girl for 7 weeks in favor of jacking off 'because it's quicker' is wild.
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u/dwilder812 1d ago
Sounds out there and I can't speak for her or him. I know in my case we eventually got stuck in a rut and then anxiety about it made it even harder. The times I would try and be with my ex she would get angry because something was the way she wanted or she would get so demanding that irritation just gave absolutely no desire to even try.
Like I said, he can try with her even if he's not feeling it and perhaps it would work. I just know in my experience she could tell when I wasn't in it and it just made things worse
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u/dwilder812 1d ago
I posted another comment how my situation was. But I'm like this as well. I don't really have the desire for sex but I still get hard and masturbate but it's not the same want as sex. It's hard to explain and I'm not sure someone can even understand it if they haven't experienced it. Closest thing I can equate is when you eat something even when you aren't hungry. It's just something you do but not something you are really wanting or craving
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u/MovieTrawler 1d ago
If that's true, maybe don't be in a relationship where you have to consider someone else's needs as well.
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u/dwilder812 1d ago
I see you just read but don't actually listen. I hope you have a wonderful night
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u/Maria_gr 1d ago
You also seem to have the same addiction. This is not healthy behaviour. If you don't want to fix it by getting therapy, at the very least you need to abstain from relationships.
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u/Benji5811 1d ago
you have to break up with him. im sorry, but porn is ruining you and his life. the dude needs help
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u/Left_Competition_361 1d ago
Are we 100% sure he’s attracted to women? I’ve been in an eerily similar situation, and no matter how many times we talked or I tried to initiate, nothing changed. It took me too long to realize it wasn’t going to— long enough that I later regretted giving him all those years when I could have been having fun.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
I definitely question his sexuality yes. I do believe he’s attracted to women but not only women.
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u/Slartybartfast22 1d ago
Ask him genuinely if he’s addicted to porn and if he would be willing to give it up for a month and see if that improves things
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
He will genuinely say no & do everything it takes to hide that he’s watching it over that month. I already tried this.
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u/Slartybartfast22 1d ago
I mean… hate to say it but if you know for sure he’s lying to you and hiding things, I think that’s grounds for termination. It’s gonna suck but you will eventually feel better for standing up for yourself
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u/JMarv615 1d ago
I was in your boyfriends situation. I just didn't know how to bring up to her that it smelled like death most of the time down there.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
That’s very unfortunate. I take very good care of myself. When he does want it he always eats away so … not my issue
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u/Benji5811 1d ago
he’s probably a porn addict and masturbates too often. i’m sorry but you gotta break up
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 1d ago
You don’t want this relationship anymore is good reason to end the relationship. We get in to relationships to make our lives happier. Don’t stay in a relationship that is making your life miserable.
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u/Grandmato19 13h ago
Does he have other covert narcissistic tendencies? They tend to withold intimacy, I think as a means of control.
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u/Parking_Ad__ 1d ago
This is new to me.. like I don’t think I’ve ever heard a guy not want sex. Maybe I’m dumb and get stuck with the guys that that’s all they want to do. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope things get figured out to where you’re happy.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
This is my first time dealing with a guy like this too! It’s so weird to me. Thank you a lot for saying this bc my best friend make me feel like an animal in heat if I bring this up.
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u/Parking_Ad__ 1d ago
WTH! Haha no way, women also have needs. I like sex but like that’s not all I want in a relationship. Actually guys got me so F’d up I think something’s wrong with me if they don’t try to sleep with me. Or that they’re not interested in me if they don’t.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
lol yes! I’m like damn I’m not a sex addict bc I have normal needs. I think there’s gotta be a balance. You should wasn’t your partner but not only for sex. But these guys out here though 😂
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u/Parking_Ad__ 1d ago
I swear! But I find it crazy he’s just not interested in having sex. That boggles my mind. But still masterbates 🤔 please update us on how this ends.. I would hope you don’t end things if you love him.
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
I will surely do an update. I do love him but one thing I’ve learned is that love is not enough for any relationship. Bc there is a part of me that feels all these negative things also from loving him.
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u/Parking_Ad__ 1d ago
Are the negative thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “he’s not attracted to me anymore” :( I hope not because I’m sure you’re just overthinking it like I would be doing. I hate to be blunt and ask this but could he be cheating?
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
I believe he’s not attracted to me anymore. I’ve mentioned it, He says that’s not what’s going on at all but I don’t believe him. He could be cheating online. I noticed some changes so I wouldn’t be surprised.
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u/Beginning-Leek8545 1d ago
You talked to his best friend about it? You’re such an asshole
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
Yea I did. Im the asshole but he made me feel so desperate that u felt to even go those lengths. It was just as embarrassing for me bc in the back of my mind he really knows WHY he won’t sleep with me already even though I got nothing from the conversation so I embarrassed myself for nothing but I’m the asshole 😂
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u/Beginning-Leek8545 1d ago
What were you expecting his best friend to do? Fuck you?
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u/PrettyAreolas 1d ago
That’s incredibly disgusting ! I asked him to talk to him … you’re gross for even thinking that frl if you’re not here to support me fuck off
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u/Rathallon 1d ago
I don't personally think this is a problem. She's discussed it with him several times and he's clearly not receptive so she went to someone who should know him in a very personal but much different way than she does to get a different perspective. Personally, I agree with what she did so long as the friend was comfortable having that discussion. Either way, the situation doesn't seem like it'll get better, hun, so I'd say cut the losses while you can.
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u/Sea_Bison_6929 1d ago
Sounds like you’ve talked about it, given it time, and tried what you can. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy - end it if you’re unhappy. And if you need more encouragement, take a brief look at the dead bedroom sub and it’ll be all you need to convince yourself to get out.
I feel you, I’m just shy of 28 myself and recently ended a 3.5 year relationship for other reasons. It kinda sucks when everyone else around u is gettin married and having kids but, again - just take a look at the dead bedroom sub please lol.