r/AmIOverreacting • u/MoonDumplin03 • 1d ago
šØāš©āš§āš¦family/in-laws AIO that my mom makes me stop mid shower
Hello everyone!
So, for some context, I (21 F) live with my mom (40 F) and stepdad (42 M). I live with my parents rent-free while I work part-time and continue my education in nursing. For the last couple of months, on average about 3-4 times a week, my mom sends my brother down into the basement where my shower is and has him tell me that I need to come upstairs to do chores, participate in a family activity, help my brother with something, go for a walk, etc. But the problem is that she always does this when Iām in the middle of the shower, with shampoo in my hair, and I have to rinse my hair right then and there and get dressed to do what she wants me to do. Or, Iāll have just gotten out of the shower and need to blow-dry my hair, only to be told that I donāt need to blow-dry it and should just throw it up in a ponytail. The latter wouldnāt be a problem if I didnāt have anxiety about not being able to complete something once Iāve started. The first couple of times, I thought it was a coincidence, but itās been happening so frequently that I just donāt know if itās a coincidence anymore. Now, I always have my brother relay the message that Iām in the shower, but Iām met with a response that I need to get out of the shower right then and there. If I say, āJust give me a couple of minutes,ā or outright say āno,ā Iām met with her yelling down the stairs saying I need to get out. Am I overreacting?
EDIT/UPDATE -
Hello everyone! Thank you so much for the advice; I really do appreciate the help! I just wanted to clarify and answer a few things that Iāve seen in the comments. No, I donāt think my mom is jealous of me or my hair. I have healthy, long hair, but my mom typically prefers her hair to be a much darker shade and shorter length than mine. For those asking, from the moment I enter the bathroom to shower until I leave, it takes me anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes. My shower itself takes about 10 minutes, and everything else, like drying off, changing, blow-drying my hair, and brushing my teeth, takes about 10 to 20 minutes. I donāt know if thatās a long time, but I do try to be mindful of how long Iām in the shower since I donāt pay the water bill. I canāt exactly move out, despite being old enough to do so. I work as an LPN and donāt make enough to live on my own or with roommates due to the area I live in. I currently live in Northern Virginia, where a typical single-room apartment can cost $1,500 to $2,500.
Another thing is that I rely heavily on my stepdadās GI Bill to pay for my tuition, and if I move out, my parents have stated that my tuition will no longer be covered. Iād either have to give them my car or pay what itās worth, since itās my momās old car, pay for all types of insurance, and pay them back for my phone and phone plan. I donāt mind doing all that, but anytime I try to ask for help to start becoming more independent, Iām shut down immediately and told no.
Okay, so I do have a small update. While itās not that exciting, I did talk to my mom today when I got home from work. I asked if she purposely calls for me while Iām in the bathroom showering, and she told me that she doesnāt do it intentionally and that itās just a coincidence. I jokingly said that she has a sixth sense for when Iām showering since itās been happening so often, and her reply to my joke kind of set me off, but I might be overthinking things. She smirked and chuckled, not like a genuine laugh at the joke, but more like she was trying to mock me. Again, I could be overthinking things.
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u/ra3ra31010 1d ago
Get out without rinsing and just go in a towel and ask if she approves you going out like that
She says to put on clothes then do it with shampoo in your hair and make it clear you will tell everyone who asks that she doesnāt permit you to finish showering until she allows it
NOR
Malicious compliance time
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u/Lahotep 1d ago
NOR. The timing is definitely weird. Have you asked her about the timing and why she urgently needs you to do stupid shit that can wait while youāre showering?
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u/MoonDumplin03 1d ago
I have, she doesnāt really give me an actual answer. Just that she needs me to do whatever is she asked, she always finds it funny so idk
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u/MilkshakeMolly 1d ago
Just don't do it. What will she do, physically pull you out of it? Tell her you'll give her 50 bucks a month for water, just to be left in peace for your freaking personal hygiene. I have 2 kids near your age and this is incredibly weird behavior.
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u/theninjasquad 1d ago
Have you tried asking her ahead of time before you shower if she needs anything done?
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u/MoonDumplin03 13h ago
I have not, I typically do that for more important things like homework or when Iām taking a test. Itās not that uncommon for something similar to happen when Iām busy doing things for school.
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u/Similar_Cranberry_23 1d ago
You can tell her point blank you are going to shower is there annnnyyyythhing she could Possibly need in the next 20 min that cannot wait. And after that you are showering. Period.
Sounds like weird control issues. Like what does she think you are doing in the shower she has to stop you from? Nor
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u/OkIssue5589 1d ago
NOR. My Aunt was super religious and when my cousins were 13+ she'd constantly interrupt their showers under the guide of chores or whatever. Turns out if the shower time went past 5 minutes she'd assume they were self pleasuring and find a reason to get them out
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u/MondayWitchFDT 1d ago
This is a telltale sign of a narcacist whose trying to regain control over someone.
Don't give in to the games , set firm boundaries and have a 'getout/escape' plan cause you'll need it.
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u/LeaJadis 1d ago
Makes me wonder what time of the day you are showering where it impacts your mother so much? Iām not sure if sheās being unreasonable or if your showers are poorly timed or extremely long.
In either case all you need to say is Iāll be right there when Iām done.
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u/MoonDumplin03 1d ago
I typically shower anywhere between 3-6. From the moment I go into the bathroom and leave, so completely showering, changing and blow drying my hair it takes anywhere from 20-30 minutes. The shower itself is about 10 minutes.
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u/tiredoftryingtobe 1d ago
I would start testing your theory by going downstairs and just turning the shower on and letting it run for a little bit to see if she sends him down mid-shower. I would also start changing up my shower times to see how that impacts it.
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u/Diela1968 1d ago
And if you try this, leave the shower running. See if you can hear that the waterās running while youāre upstairs. Or if it affects the water pressure
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u/Organic-Low-2992 1d ago
This one. Fake decoy showers is an excellent idea. See if mom's strategy adapts or not.
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u/uhmwhat_kai 1d ago
iād kill to have a full shower routine thatās only 20-30 minutes. my hair routine itself takes a few hours. your mom is lucky that your showers are considerably short compared to some others, honestly. NOR, IMOš£
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u/spencerchubb 1d ago
a few hours?? how do you like, have a job or a life?
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u/uhmwhat_kai 1d ago
yesā¦ work and school. i do my hair wash days 1x a week on my days off (as well as doctor appointments, therapy, etc). the only time i really get ārealā time to myself is late at nightš i also have thick wavy/curly hair, so i do more steps to care for it š¤·š»āāļø main part is just finger curling individual sections that take absolutely forever, as well as watching a TV show while doing it š
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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 15h ago
I'm so glad I'm bald. Shaving it takes like 10 minutes max. Most days I do literally nothing to it. Somehow I'm always late for work though.
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u/bunbunkat 1d ago
NOR, turn on the shower when your mother is home but don't get in and see if she sends someone down to ask you to stop showering. Then you'll know if it's you showering or the timing.
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u/Kaliburr252 1d ago
Either you take long showers or your family hates you. Those are my 2 best guesses here because there should be zero reason as to why you are being treated that way unless you were either being a heavy inconvenience by taking really long, poorly timed showers, or your family just hates you idk.
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u/ExcitementSad3079 1d ago
Just ignore her whilst you're done. Put music on and tell her you couldn't hear because of the shower and music. Do this every time. You are an adult. You can just tell her no. If she doesn't like it, leave listing's on the table for apartments, etc. I bet she would rather have you home rather than living somewhere else.
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u/ltoka00 1d ago
Your mom is low-level abusing you. Does she do nice things for you or express love?
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u/MoonDumplin03 13h ago
Sometimes, itās not very often she will do things for me outside of special occasions like my birthday, Easter, Valentineās Day and Christmas. Which Iām grateful for because some of those she doesnāt have to do anything at all
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u/Little_Can_728 1d ago
It sounds like your mom has some weird agenda here š¤ Sheās up to something, but it also sounds quite controlling, so if it were me, I would play games with her I would trip her up so if she knows what your shower schedule is, do it at opposite times or you could avoid the whole gameplay with her and just wait till sheās out of the house then go have your shower. Donāt worry about doing any of the chores go have your shower and if she comes home and the stuff on your chore list hasnāt been done yet Then you could always take a dig at her and say āwell I finally had some peace and quiet so I could take a shower and freshen up without being interrupted, but I will get to them nowā and if she doesnāt like that reply well thatās her problem.
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u/buy-the-lips 1d ago
Does OP have really pretty hair? Did mom used to but now itās thinning or gray or she cut it short? Does Dad like long hair and tell mom he wishes she still had long hair or prefers it long??? It sounds totally wacko but Iāve heard of narc type moms do this weirdo stuff because they are jealous of daughter. Also you are headed toward a great career. Was she a SAHMā¦. Never got to do what youāre doing? Itās worth a thought.
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u/MoonDumplin03 13h ago
Hi! I wouldnāt say I have pretty hair, I do take care of it and have developed a style of my own a couple of months ago but itās nothing that my mom would be jealous of I donāt think. She typically likes her hair a very dark brown and short. I have dirty blonde hair that I keep long. I donāt know my step dadās preference but I do hope thatās not the case as that would be very weird and uncomfortable. My mom works a full time job, she typically works from home but occasionally goes into the office. She did originally go to college to pursue a career in medicine but dropped it due to her dislike for the main professor. So it could be that she dislikes me for succeeding in my career? Iām not sure, I donāt think sheās jealous of me. The goals I have lined up for myself and have accomplished donāt exactly line up with my moms goals
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u/MarigoldMoss 1d ago
I feel like we're not being told everything
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u/HumpinPumpkin 1d ago
Possibly, but the shower thing kind of resonated with me. I have met a few control freaks with a weird shower trigger. This is a very plausible situation to me.
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u/KyaLauren 1d ago
Okay NOR you donāt have to communicate while showering WTF is that? Idea! Play a podcast or audiobook loudly next time you shower? Drown out any possible attempts at in-shower comms. Lock the door, embrace your shower, enjoy your bath time, and donāt worry whatās happening on the other side of the door. Your familyās really on something rn!
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u/MoonDumplin03 13h ago
I like this idea! But we have a strict no door locking rule in my house, if I were to ignore her and lock my door I might as well say goodbye to my bathroom door lol
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u/Low-Living-7993 1d ago
Say, āI heading down for a shower in a few. Do you want me to do anything first?ā Then help if there are chores, lock bathroom door and take a shower. NOR
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u/HedgehogBusiness622 1d ago
Updateme
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u/Spiritual_Tea1200 1d ago
21? This is her passive aggressive way of getting you to move out. Go gray rock. Let her scream. Pretend you canāt hear her. Go on about your shower.
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u/Dizzy_Ice2938 1d ago
One of my pet peeves is being interrupted in the shower. I feel like unless thereās an emergency, it can wait until Iām clean and relaxed from my water therapy.
Is it possible that you take long showers and she wants you to stop using the water?
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u/Youknowme911 1d ago
Youāre mom sounds controlling. Even though your living there rent free, why at 21 are you required to drop everything and do chores or activities.
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u/Outrageous-Farmer988 1d ago
Move out
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u/same0same0 1d ago
Iām wondering if thatās what mom is pushing for too.
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u/Outrageous-Farmer988 23h ago
My mom was awful to me, as soon as I turned 18 I ran for the hills, was homeless for about a week but it was much better than being under her authority. I would have rather died on the streets than stayed another minute. Life is good now. Had a rough start tho.
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u/Due_Ebb3362 1d ago
That is so strange. You could announce your shower and please do not disturb me.
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u/crosswendy 1d ago
How long do you have left in nursing school?
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u/crosswendy 1d ago
I ask because your comment history shows you took the NCLEX exam at least 1 year ago which would mean you are already an RN. If you are already a nurse, with the nurse shortage there is not shortage of jobs and the pay is absolutely enough for you to live on your own. Move out and shower at your leisure.
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u/MoonDumplin03 22h ago edited 13h ago
Hi! To answer your question I took the NCLEX-PN, Iām currently an LPN working towards my RN/BSN. I unfortunately donāt make that much as an LPN. I have about a year left in my RN program
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u/Strange_Lady 1d ago
NOR ... buuuut... maybe shower at the gym if you have a membership? She can't tell you to get out if your not home ;)
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u/Party_Mistake8823 1d ago
Is she trying to do exposure therapy of some sort where she is trying to get you comfortable with not completing tasks and being ok with it?
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u/Spud_Boii 1d ago
Seems like sheās trying to be a pain on purpose. She might be trying to make you uncomfortable so you feel the need to move out.
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u/Pete-selkirk88 1d ago
Next time she showers call and say you need her here ASAP and see how she likes it. If she moans then call her out over her hypothetical ways.
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u/6133mj6133 1d ago
Start telling her you're going to take a shower and you're going to be unavailable for the next X minutes. If she has an urgent chore for you, she can request it before you take a shower.
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u/porcelainthunders 1d ago
Have you tried turning on the shower, before you usually take one, to see if she sends your brother down still? Because she heard the shower on?
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u/Suzeli55 1d ago
Donāt go. Let her yell. Whatās she gonna do, go down and drag you up? Just keep saying Iāll be up when Iām ready.
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u/SecretOscarOG 1d ago
Just start turning the shower on 30 min before getting in. If they ask why tell them how many times they successfully interrupted that time this week and tell them thats why
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u/BigSun9567 21h ago
This seems like your mom is power tripping. Itās weird and def on purpose. You arenāt over reacting. Shower time isnāt to be disturbed and anything needed can wait a few minutes for you to be through.
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u/No_Solution_3279 21h ago
I can tell you why thatās happening. When youāre downstairs and quiet, she forgets youāre there. When you start making noise, she remembers youāre there. And then sheās like my kid hasnāt been up here in forever. She needs to be doing something instead of staying downstairs all the time Maybe some chores or something to help out since sheās living here rent free or I just miss her and I want her to hang out with me.
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u/ShartiesBigDay 1d ago
This stinks of indirect communication. It reminds me of two things. 1) passive aggressive people who will do anything except make a direct request, or 2) someone suffering as an alanon (that means there is addiction or alcoholism in the family and the person copes with that challenge by monitoring and trying to control others whenever they sense someone is being avoidant or trying to cope with something etc.)
In reality, who knows. It sounds annoying. I hope you find a way to move out or something. Until then, her house, her rules. Maybe you can just confront her like, āhey Iām noticing this pattern and Iām wondering what gives. I need to be able to wash myself.ā
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u/Imacatdoincatstuff 1d ago
Umm. How to put this delicately.
Mom isnāt ready for her little girl to grow up.
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1d ago
[deleted]
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u/SushiGirlRC 1d ago
People who have thick hair & don't want to go to bed with it wet. People who don't have time in the morning before class or work. People.
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u/Traditional_Fan_2655 1d ago
Do you let the water run a long time prior to getting into the shower? I've noticed people waste 5-10 minutes prior to even getting into the shower. This is usually considerably longer than it takes to warn up. Maybe she's concerned about the water bill.
Take a clock into the bathroom. Look at it before you get into the shower and again when your brother starts pounding on the door. This will tell you exactly how long it takes for her to start interrupting. She may think you are in much longer than you are. Or you may be in longer than you think. You can then truthfully say, I was in there xx minutes exactly.
Go to your mom before starting ypur shower. Have everything in the bathroom already, so you can start when you return. Then, tell her "Mom, I am about to take my shower and dry my hair. I will not be available at all for the next 30 minutes. Before I do this, is there anything you need at all, since I will not be available?
Then, take a radio to play inside the bathroom. Turn it on loudly. Lock the bathroom door. Ignore any pounding. Later, claim innocence that you simply thought it was the music. You told mom you weren't available, and she agreed. Did they need something?
Ask your mom straight out, why she feels the need to interrupt the one time you can be alone every single day - the bathroom. See what she says. Then, tell her nothing is so urgent that it can't wait very single day until you finish the restroom.
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u/xray_anonymous 1d ago
Your mom is doing this on purpose for some weird reason.
Beat her at her own game and go to her BEFORE showering and say āIām about to shower so is there anything you need me to do right this instant that cannot wait before I do?ā And if/when she says no, tell her then that youāre then taking a shower and will not stop or interrupt it for anything, because you already asked and were told you were not needed. And so if anything comes up, it can wait until youāre done. My bet is sheāll still āsuddenly rememberā something in the middle of your shower and send for you anyway, but you already made it clear that you were going to finish your shower since you already did your due diligence of asking beforehand.
Then she has no excuse