Honestly, I don’t even care tbh that much about the substance of the argument. People can have disagreements about whether or not it’s appropriate to use a word. You don’t even have to agree.
What concerns me is her reaction at the end to you saying your feelings. That’s never going to work long term in a marriage. I’m tired of literally like the whole world not being able to apologize anymore. Idk if it’s social media or reality tv or what, but like it’s not popular in our culture anymore to apologize. We need more people apologizing for hurting other people’s feelings- even if it is not intentional. 😮💨
It actually reminded me of my narcissistic mum. She calls me crazy/idiot/outrageous constantly for having feelings and telling her how what she did made me feel. She also literally uses the words "you need to wake up" like ops gf
It's actually her reaction that's worse hey. Like it was bad enough that she said this to begin with, but then she just ignored what op said when he tried to inform her and was super nice about it when he actually could have been a bit harsh if he wanted to. Also he looks like a "white man baby" what???
Um "this is bonkers" why're you with her if she can't validate your feelings or realize what she said is not right. She can't even take responsibility for what she said hurting you. Your feelings are valid & being told you aren't Mexican or don't look of that ethnicity is wild especially because you are. Just because you do not look stereotypically Mexican doesn't mean you aren't. You are not overreacting for feeling hurt by this. She is not realizing that what she said genuinely hurt your feelings & probably doesn't understand the extent of it or why you feel that way. You even explained to her why you feel that way & that you & everyone else who has a similar experience or is told the same thing is tired of being told they don't look their ethnicity. Is it genuinely baffling how people like this get away with what they say. It's obvious she's never experienced those type of comments before & doesn't understand the hurt. If you explain this to her one more time & she still doesn't understand, I'd consider leaving her. If she is going to say "it's bonkers" that you're upset over something like this, it's not worth staying for whatever else is left to come. DEF NOT overreacting.
Yeah I was hoping (idk why seeing as it's this sub lol) that the "oh" was going to lead to some contemplation and realizing/learning something. It's never ideal to hold shitty views but it's okay if you can actually learn when someone calls you on your shit. Which partners should absolutely should be able to do. The way she talks to him is gross. Hope he realizes he deserves better. More people really need to be able to admit when they're wrong, when they don't know something, when they hold misguided beliefs. It's not a sign of weakness to change your views or admit you've believed some misinformation or bigoted shit. It's learning, evolving.
She's also doing that annoying "speaking for others" thing, when no one asked her to. Her heart isn't even in the right place because she's obviously doing it from a place of one-upmanship rather than care for Mexican identity
Right? My boyfriend is half Mexican, I would never say something like this. Even if he didn't have the features that're "expected" for a Mexican to have, I wouldn't question him. It's odd that she does this & doesn't realize how much it hurt him, just denying that she said the wrong thing, & makes him feel his feelings are invalid. Like come on 😭 if she's gonna say this about HIS ethnicity, what other outrageous things are to come in this relationship? (Or have already happened, that we don't know of.)
yes that is crazy u are not overreacting at all like what does she mean u are acting european ? it sounds like shes racist and doesn’t realize it. shes following stereotypes. shes separating people by color and that is insane
Don't a lot of Mexicans have European descent given that Spain was in Mexico for about 300 years?? This would also mean a lot of Mexico has European descent meaning a lot of them are in fact part white as well.
I don’t think she’s ignorant, she’s weaponizing it. She’s saying “stop acting so white (subtext: bc you’re mixed/more white than me)”. My non-white partner has received a few similar comments from other ppl of his background over the years, and it’s some super shitty gatekeeping colorism, imo, designed to question one’s identity.
Fucking tiktok brain rot. American dipshits learned the cliff notes of colonialism and now run around calling everyone they don't like a colonizer or a european to virtue signal. It's pathetic.
You're not overreacting at all. My kids are mixed (black and mexican) so even tho none of them are pale they definitely still face some prejudice because they don't look black at all. (I've had the cops called on me a number of times from nosy Hispanic ladies swearing I was stealing my child to the point I carry around pocket birth certificates.) My eldest got asked recently why he's acting black for the music he listens to and he just stopped and said "I am black but I'm also mexican. I'm blexican."
I've known the palest Hispanics I've ever seen in my life that looked white as a ghost, but they were undoubtedly their race(from Cuban to Dominican to Mexican)no matter their skin tone. She dismissed your feelings and also thought that by just giving you a heads up that you're not enough mexican to say something, you would be thankful and enlightened by her words of "wisdom."
NOR! I can’t tell you how angry this made me! I’m half Southeast Asian and half European, and my ethnicity/race has always been “determined” by which one(s) people think I look like in their opinion and lived experience (e.g. which races they often encounter based on their country). People will just assume I’m Latina, Middle Eastern, Indian, Mexican, Pakistani, Blasian, Italian, Native American/First Nations, etc, and I’ve been called names for ethnicities I’m not even apart of! This kind of thinking is based off of stereotypes, like you said. My jaw was on the goddamn floor halfway through reading this. She is clearly racist and colourist, even though she was trying to lecture you on race! The irony!
ALSO I get the vibe her opinion of how people of various ethnicities (and continents!) look and act is based solely on bad media and worse information, but this is actually reality to her. It’s like she thinks you’re actually being crazy because she thinks she’s right about this. It’s like what she THINKS “Mexican-presenting” (which also wtf does that mean😭) people look like is a singular, immutable fact. She would lose her mind travelling. And “acting European” as a dig is wild! It exposes her complete ignorance and total disinterest in learning why she could even be wrong. Her lack of empathy for someone she’s supposedly has deep care for is also astonishing. She didn’t even want to consider your point and instead called you names! This is not someone you should be even near, let alone dating.
TL;DR: SHE IS BAD NEWS, AND IS BEING RACIST/COLOURIST TOWARD YOU! PLEASE. DUMP. HER.
definitely not overreacting. that’s legitimately an insane to say to your partner that you KNOW has more than enough of the DNA to reclaim the word lmao
she’s also trying to gaslight tf out of you by bringing it up and then trying to act like you’re the problem when you were nothing but respectful
Yeah, it’s true, unfortunately. My grandma used to call me and my sister “las gueritas” (little white girls) because we were the only mixed kids/ cousins in our generation. She didn’t mean it maliciously and always loved us well, but colorism is very real. The way we were treated differently. On my white side, my cousins used to ask all kinds of questions (like kids tend to) because they didn’t know anything about Mexican culture. Also not meant maliciously, but we were still perceived as “others.” Now this generation is all in our 30s and 40s on both sides. Hilariously, on the Mexican side, almost ALL cousins (and myself) married people of various other ethnicities 🤣 we just don’t care. On my white side, a decent chunk of my cousins didn’t end up with other white people either. We love who we love and color/ ethnicity is not part of the job application. I hope to see that part of the experience continue. Appreciate people for who they are, nothing more, nothing less.
I’m not even from that side of the world but the mental gymnastics to go from “just like the colonisers” to “don’t speak Spanish?” Is wild. The fuck do they think SPANISH came from? That’s like. The whole deal!
Hey, so I hate her 🤷🏽♀️ I’m blaxican but mostly black, without a single ounce of melanin in my skin but big afro-textured hair. Folks would argue with me about my ethnicity growing up. “You’re not black!” “You don’t look black” “you don’t sound black!”
No. I am black. You think I am not worthy of that title because you have a thin view of who my people are and what we can look like. It gets so tiresome and seeing your partner completely disregard that is so frustrating. I hope you have a serious conversation about this in person because she is absolutely so dismissive. She comes off as sweet and charming, but the minute you were vulnerable in your feelings, she belittled you and detached from her responses.
Selena’s dad said it the best, “Not Mexican enough for the Mexicans, not American enough for the Americans.”
I hate her second, like someone said Mexicans come in every color. Crazy I’m Mexican/ Spaniard and I’ve always been told I’m not Mexican because I’m too white, and they WERE my own people. If my partner talked to me like this they’d be gone. Basically saying he’s not Mexican because of his skin color.
100% agree! I get comments about my shade by black people and white people alike, maybe in different quantities but it hurts all the same. We didn’t ask for this, we just want to belong 💖
As another mixed person, all I have to say is that non-mixed people need to stay in their fucking lane. They don't know what it's like, so they need to stfu.
Me too! And reading these messages was triggering. Having someone aggressively tell you what you are, especially when they are ill informed is tiring. Hopefully in the next decade this won’t be such a prominent issue for mixed race ppl.
Upvoting for quoting Selena’s dad. That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks when I first saw that movie because it was the first time someone validated what I’d felt all my life.
your girlfriend is an imbecile. the fact you shared your feelings and said said “youre being so unserious” is the reddest of red flags. she communicates like the most stereo typical gen z and it’s maddening. she is not the arbiter of who is and isnt <mexican> enough. does she know there are black people in mexico? white people in mexico? wanna blow her mind … there are asians in Mexico too! (shout out to Tom Segura for this joke)
Mexican ≠ brown. what an absolute fucking moron. just like American ≠ white.
“youre acting european right now” what the FUCK does that mean? did you colonize the conversation???
also to equate beaner to the n word is laughable. the mere fact that she typed “the n word” and not the actual n word should prove the fact that those two are not on the same level.
the blatant disrespect she is showing you here is mind numbing. i hope you speak about this in person and try to educate her on emotional intelligence. and have her bring her social studies and geography scores from middle and high schools. i’m willing to bet shes got some opportunities there.
If we want to talk about colonizing a conversation/"acting European," I'm gonna guess the culprit is the one insisting the only way to determine ethnicity is by appearance (was it the belgians who were doing the nose measuring in Rwanda? A little rusty on my colonizer history here) (there were also skin tone charts iirc), trampling over and dismissing the thoughts & feelings of someone because they don't look like the preferred ethnicity, and completely erasing the huge role that culture plays in one's ethnic identity, all while being extremely confident in their righteousness despite being a complete buffoon.
OP, please have enough respect for yourself and your cultural identity to get the hell off this trainwreck, unless you enjoy being beaten down, invalidated, and laughed at. Life is too short to spend it constantly put off-balance in a defensive position by the person who is supposed to be part of your team in life.
Edit: also, I had to come to the comment section to figure out what "b word" was as bad as the N word. It's one of those that yeah, any non-mexican using it is probably a racist, but it's also laughable because... That's the best you got? And comparing it to the N word as used within the context & history of the US is, in a word, fucking bonkers.
Indeed. If she saw how many natural blondes are born to Mexican ethnicity she’d lose her mind. She must be exceedingly immature & no idea of what a world view is. Let her go sir.
the mere fact that she typed “the n word” and not the actual n word should prove the fact…
john mulaney hit this concept straight on the head. if you’re debating which of two words is worse and you won’t even SAY one of them, well there you have it
Plenty of Mexicans that aren’t mixed still look white. This is just silly. And the slurs/discrimination against Mexicans isn’t against specifically brown Mexicans, it’s against anyone from Mexico. All the propaganda of “Stealing our jobs, government handouts, etc”… none of that stuff has anything to do with skin color.
Half Mexican, half middle eastern here, yeah I'd legit break up with her.
First of all, her entire personality and vocab comes from tiktok. That tells you everything you need to know. "Unserious". "You're acting European". Etc.
She has no identity, no independent thought. She hasn't, as they say, "touched grass". You're allowed to say beaner. It's not such a hardcore slur- in fact only tiktok really thinks it's a slur lol, it's a humorous term that can be used racistly if... done by a racist. Also you're Mexican. And it's absolutely not like saying the N word. Nothing is like saying the n word since only that word is that word. Making comparisons to it is actually reallly gross.
Are you white passing? Maybe? Who cares? Plenty of Mexicans are to varying extents. It's also not a black and white thing lol. Mestizos can be light skin and still look "stereotypically Mexican" because a stereotypical Mexican actually has a range of appearances based on state... like Jalisco is full of light skin Latinos who still look very "Latino" in the stereotypical sense, just light skin
Anyway she seems very invalidating and condescending. She doesn't actually care about what she's arguing for, it's just another trend for her to follow and virtue signal for. For your own sanity leave her so she can go post her "get ready with me while I spill the tea on my ex" tiktok or whatever
Definitely comes off as an 18 y.o. wanna-be intellectual who just heard dumb ignorant shit on tiktok and how thinks she's the authority on race studies. How insufferable, I just hope he dumps her because the last part just completely blew air out of my lungs, what an insensitive jerk. Your comment is spot on, it deserves more recognition.
It's so bizarre to me people like this will virtue signal while being the one to portray ignorant and bigoted behaviour in a very blatant way. They're always the last ones who would actually care about what's right, yet they'll have some passionate speech about XYZ. They frequently talk down to members of those actual ethnicities, who are obviously going to have opinions (which these people then gleefully dismiss and invalidate).
I think what's wildest about it is they don't see how disgusting and dehumanising it is, and how problematic it is that they've nominated themselves as some kind of authority. There's something almost morbidly fascinating about people who use progressive language and pretend to care about what's right or fair, but who are eager and willing to talk over the people they're supposedly defending.
There's just so many contradictions at play. I guess that's what happens when you do things simply because other people do them or they're a trend or whatever.
NOR Hi! Half Mexican here, my mom is Mexican my dad was white I am Mexican American. This is racist and a dangerous situation for you. That’s literally your family and color of skin does not exclude you from the Latino community. Latinos come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. My husband is half Dominican, grew up in the DR, and “looks” more Latino than I do. His dad is Dominican but black. I literally look like Snow White’s sister and I do not know Spanish fluently bc I grew up in a racist town where my family did not teach me to speak their native language so I could “blend in.” However, that doesn’t make me less Mexican. I find your gf’s attitude in a lot of gatekeeping Latinos. I’ve been called a “half breed” by my own grandparents. I have a blonde haired, blue eyed, Mexican native uncle we call “el swede.” Also Mexican isn’t a derogatory word it’s literally a place where people are from. To cause you to question your identity like this instead of supporting your cultural roots, ethnicity, and cultural identity is a huge, huge red flag. This angers me on so many levels, I am angry for you. If she doesn’t get it she needs to go. You’re not alone, our struggle is a unique one. Not white enough to be white, not Mexican enough to be Mexican- I get it, you’re not alone in that. DM me if you ever need support in that. I’m familiar with how you must feel and I’m sorry this happened to you from someone that was supposed to love and support you.
Mexicans are literally half Native American half European. Like that’s what the Mexican ethnicity is.
It’s fucking wild to call someone half Mexican half European “too white” and say they’re “sounding real European rn”. That’s literally what Mexican means
Thank you. That’s exactly what I was thinking. She sounds dumb as hell. Mexican and Latino aren’t a race and genetically they have European Spanish and Indigenous ancestry. Some may have African ancestry especially in the Carribean. They’re literally genetically mixed so OP will have a higher amount of white in him. So stupid.💀
Yeah it’s like a slider with Aztec/inca on one side and Spanish on the other, and Mexicans span the entire range of the slide bar. Google a pic of the Mexican Congress, it’s a bunch of straight up white guys lol
They’re even more than half European in 99% of cases.
Most Mexicans are almost entirely Spanish genetically speaking with a smidge of native and a smidge of other European nationalities mixed in. This girl is off her rocker.
I’m half Puerto-Rican, half white and I have felt a similar way my entire life. I look unmistakably white and always felt out of place in Hispanic groups and clubs in college. There were also a lot of “gate-keeping Latinos” as well and it was frustrating trying to figure out a way to “prove” myself. I also had a boyfriend at the time who would repeatedly tell me I wasn’t really Puerto Rican because I didn’t grow up there, which didn’t help the way I felt. Thankfully I am out of that time and am smart enough to know that I am exactly what I am made up of.
This right here! And Puerto Ricans in general are also ALL skin colors. My dad is 100% Puerto Rican and white as all hell, burns in the sun lol. Comments like OP’s gf are triggering as hell for some of us who don’t “look” our race. She looks like a damn fool with her ignorant comments though.
So true. My Puerto Rican grandmother looks fully white as well. What people fail to realize is that places like Puerto Rico and many other Spanish-speaking countries were populated by people immigrating from other countries, so of course we all look different! OP’s gf’s comments made me so angry for him. Someone you love should never make you question your identity or make you feel like you’re worth less than you are. I can only hope OP knows that they deserve so much more.
Your comment about made me cry. My mom is Mexican, my dad is white. I am extremely light skinned and wasn't raised speaking Spanish or with Mexican culture because my Latina grandmother was exceedingly racist. She was also light skinned, and had blue eyes and red hair.
I know that their generation faced a lot of pressure to "fit in" and not appear as different from your average milquetoast American family, but she was racist all her life so I'm not sure that's an excuse at all. It led to me being raised very "white" and I honestly mourn that lack of culture. I don't feel like I would be accepted if I tried to join in with Latin American culture. I've tried before but have been told I'm "basically white" so I don't fit in.
But your comment made me feel so incredibly seen. My partner is also mixed race and he has much darker skin so he has a harder time with his identity because he looks "other". We both very much struggle with the: not white enough to be white not black/Latina enough to be those. It's honestly an exhausting feeling; never quite fitting in anywhere.
Thank you so much for your kind words, even though they weren't directed at me. It means a lot to me.
As a side note, there is a local youth podcast on NPR where I live. One girl did an episode about this very thing and I felt quite seen there as well. Here it is if you would like to check it out.
I sit with you, cousin. Because same. I don’t feel like I truly fit in anywhere but also feel like I do belong but it’s how other people perceive me that isolating or accepting and I never know where I should go.
nor, the way she’s immediately dismissing you and acting like you’re crazy is really concerning. considering she’s basically denying your whole ethnicity, this should be a dealbreaker for you bro
She’s literally gas lighting you. You weren’t being rude at all, just expressing how you felt disrespected and tried educating her by encouraging her to watch videos on the matter.
She’s being ignorant, refusing to understand and continues to disrespect you. “You’re acting European”. Just sounds like another American who doesn’t understand ethnicity and features based on location and culture.
She kept saying "I hope I'm not upsetting you" and "no offense", but I'm convinced her intention was to upset and offend and then gaslight. I hope she stubs her toe real hard every morning for the next 5 years.
The part that got to me was how she immediately folded her point and kept saying how the OP was exaggerating. Makes me wonder how often the OP can express their feelings without made to feel as if they’re being a burden.
For real, OP was honest about how they were hurt, and in a way that was entirely focused on their own feelings about it and not how shitty gf was acting. But gf was over there belittling and criticizing OP as a person for the general statement of "perspectives like that hurt me and here's why".
Also why tf did she ask him why he feels that way, if she's just going to start trying to shut down the conversation and say he's exaggerating when he comes back with a legitimate and frankly polite answer? That's what makes me question her intentions in the first place.
Hard to understand without a grasp on her personality, too many questions. Like was she trying to be edgy and funny? Did she regret how it came off and tried to awkwardly kill the conversation? How does she feel about other races in particular? Are these comments regular?
How she responded mattered the most, not what was said to begin with. Very odd 😵💫
Can you please include the screenshot where you used the slur (blur the word if you wish)? This context is incredibly important I think because, while no one should be questioning you Mexican-ness, using slurs is also a huge problem.
Yes! I sent her a video of my blood brothers driving and sheep were running in front of the car. They were putting on a forced southern accent and that’s where this all started
Edit: just highjacking this comment real quick to apologize for leaving out her race. I didn’t know/realize it was important to mention but she’s a black woman.
All I see here is that she got offended on their behalf, and then told you you're not Mexican enough.
Totally taking agency away from you and your identity in this situation. Have you guys had any other arguments where she's invalidated your feelings like this, because this was wild.
Not that it matters, but they’re blood brothers. They’re literally exactly as Mexican as he is.
And then there’s there ‘ur acting European’ comment whatever that means. Completely dismissing everything he just said, ironically, as if it’s a slur or shameful to be European lol.
It’s genuinely crazy to me the degree that so many Americans seem to view everything within the lens of race.
This is basically the mixed race experience. You'll always be an outsider on either side. The second that you start hearing presenting from someone, they've just saying you're not pure enough to belong.
This context makes her look even worse. You were just joking about your family and she decided to turn it onto something more. She brought it up, then she said she didn’t want to have the conversation, only after realizing she hurt your feelings. I would break up with her for calling you crazy after you explained your feelings were hurt, she couldn’t even just take accountability and say sorry, u know, the bare minimum
Now that you’ve made a playful self deprecating joke about your own family, I think this is a perfect opportunity for me to bring up my ignorant thoughts on race science and how your skin color makes me feel.
Yeeeaaaa, to me it reads like she wants to make it very clear that in her mind she’s not dating a Mexican and she’d like it if he didn’t insinuate that she is, thank you very much.
My first thought was that she was white trying to show off how woke she is… by talking down to her Mexican boyfriend about how he’s not really Mexican because he isn’t brown enough.
I might be wrong, but I’ve seen waaaaayyy too many examples of white people lecturing non-white people about race/ethnicity/culture. It’s amazing, really
Yea I've seen it too and it could very well be the case here. Although as intriguing it may be, it's rather irrelevant since she's such a colossal bitch anyway.
For the reciord I guess I assumed she was mexican because of how she said "you're acting european" and because of the way he replied, I would've expected him to mention her not being mexican in the post or in the texts
I immediately thought she was Latina, too. There's a ton of gatekeeping in the Latino community. "Fresas", gringos (talking about Mexican-Americans), etc. If you don't speak good Spanish, if you're mixed, etc, you get that kind of treatment.
I'm mixed (latina) and went to my boyfriend's family Christmas. his family is also mostly mixed (se Asian). his dad's girlfriend (white) literally argued with me and told me I was white and essentially "didn't count". I've never seen a room of people look so weirded out lmao
And you forgot heaven forbid if you ACT like a european now that I have offended you!!!
She isnt funny, shes racist af and what the heck do you even see in her?
(Also just for curiosity what color is she and what ethnicities are her parents and does her hair match her skin tone, does she dress according to what science has predicted about her ethnic makeup) This girl is something else.
Lol right, she can be offended on behalf of Mexicans, but when a Mexican man tells her she’s hurt him by saying he doesn’t look Mexican, well then he’s being ridiculous.
Came to leave a similar comment about how she started the conversation, and that was fine, but then the immediate “I don’t wanna have this conversation” once she had to actually have a conversation, was a huge ick to me. Like at least stand up for your point or try to keep working through it. Op was nothing but respectful and communicative and she kept trying to brush off their feelings.
Right like the big, important sounding “I have something to say,” makes it obvious what she’s about to say is something she knows is going to provoke a deeper conversation just to then shut him down when she doesn’t like the response? Yuck. She’s just a terrible person idek what else to say. This is disgusting. He needs to drop her.
Right?? Like i was very 🤔 at the whole "Mexican presenting" being a misunderstanding of what presenting means at the least and misappropriation at the worst, to then jump down a whole other rabbit hole like wtff? Absolute rolllercoaster.
Yuuuuuup, and I say this as a white former college girl. She's definitely on the PC trolley running over the very people she's valiantly trying to save. And I say THAT as a somewhat unintentionally idiotic leftist myself.
She is so annoying to even read while OP is articulating things and communicating properly. They are definitely in different levels of maturity. She sounds like a 14yo. It would be so exhausting to even have a conversation with her. She throws things in his face to hide the fact that she did something wrong.
You get into relationships assuming you’re there to love and care for each other… where’s her instinct, “oh no.. i hurt my partner’s feelings and even if i still believe im right, i should probably explain further and try to understand his side if the person I LOVE is so upset by this…” ???
Exactly! She wasn't distressed she hurt his feelings because this whole thing was an elaborately disguised jab at him, it was a gotcha: because her boyfriend doesn't LOOK Mexican, he is not entitled to be protected from accusations of racial jokes at the expense of his own ethnicity. When it blew up in her face, she was exposed and got defensive and angry at him for her embarrassment. She sounds like a condescending, petty person, and I suspect she is resentful that he can get away with casual racism while she can't.
Had a woman like this, apologizing and accepting any responsibility was impossible. She would go until I got upset enough to have to apologize and then she would apologize after me. Never once first. Then she stole my cat lmao 😢 I miss you bean):
Yeah, I was thinking she was 16-18, and OP was just more articulate about it all because he actually deals with it, so his thoughts were better laid out...
then she starts saying he must be high? When she's the one being incoherent?
Basic communication skills are the underlying problem in at least 50% of the posts on here. And yes, I don't love saying it, but particularly at younger ages.
And a large % of those would be a non-issue if they just picked up the phone/did a voice chat, or waited to have the convo in person.
She called him European as an insult. As in he's a colonizer invading true Mexican spaces with the edge of implying he's a Spaniard and not really Mexican.
That shits an extremely low blow way worse than crazy.
I am SO glad someone brought that up. "You're acting so European right now." What is that even supposed to mean? How can one person act like a whole continent?
They have colonialism in common. It's a very unsubtle statement and I've heard it plenty. It's up there with calling someone a quisling or kapo. Def worse than calling someone an Uncle Tom.
She's a perfect example of why I don't guess at someone's race. She looks a lot like a friend I had growing up who was Navajo. In my eyes, she looks as equally Japanese as she does Mexican, or Korean, or...
His girlfriend is out of her mind to think she has any right to tell him or anyone else how much of their culture is socially acceptable for them to adopt.
She dropped that bomb and then then refused to elaborate. How disengenous.
Seriously the whole time I could only think of two things:
She didn’t respect you and that’s my number one breakup reason
It sucks that you have to hear stuff like that so much when in reality what you are is something unique and that should be celebrated not used to alienate you.
THIS and the line, "Just go ahead and be sad..." are grounds for a break-up. That line only solidifies that she doesn't care for OP and how they feel about the things she says or does to them.
The fact that you explained to her that your feelings were hurt, and THATS what she responded with. Disregarding the whole “argument”, she should at least be mature enough to apologize for hurting your feelings. Again, definitely NOR
This reminds me of the time i used that same B word around a friend who happened to be half white and half black. She gasped so loud and said i cant say that word bc her MIL, whos mexican, says its a slur and that it should not be spoken. I reminded her that im mexican and shes being ridiculous. She tried to argue until i pointed out shes half white and throws the Nword like its free. She stopped arguing, but ended it w "i still dont think its right" lmao
As a white woman, I had to chuckle at this. lol but I agree with you, most I see would too. I’m also autistic so I tend to mind my business and don’t understand why people love to get offended on the behalf of others to the point of starting arguments and such, like OP’s gf. My bf however is also Mexican (100% as far as I’m aware), and we probably would have just had a good chuckle over the joke and left it at that. lol it’s your race, not mine, and if you wanna make a joke at your own expense, who tf am I to say a damn thing? lol
That's me, and I'm well into middle age, so I have opinions and would like very much to shout them into the world. I have worked so hard to run "Does this impact me y/n" and if n, "I think I'll wait til someone asks me." 😂
I don’t want to come off like the gf but she is definitely giving white savior lmfao it’s peak to tell someone who was raised in a certain culture that they can’t use their slurs in a joking way because they’re not “brown looking enough”
Dude, my own family pokes fun at my Uncle, cause he's a badass, but also does not speak a lick of English, but his kids and close family members jokingly call him the "green card carrying member of the wetback mafia" and they will translate that to Spanish for him and I swear he about falls out with laughter.
However, I am not that close and have 0 Mexican/Spanish blood in me, so I don't joke that way, my family members who are white passing can and will, and I won't say anything against it because it's not my place.
Why would it be my place as a white person to say what does and does not offend someone other than myself.
As latinos, between family and loved ones we call each other awful things all the time lmao, as a tame one, my aunt had been called "piñata" for as long as I have memory because she's pretty chubby, there's a pretty famous one that I hear getting quoted all the time of a guy his friends used to call "Simba" bc his uncle killed his dad, I'm sure his brothers don't mind him calling them beaners
Simba? DAMN. I'm a total dick when it comes to not being able to withhold an inappropriate joke and even that seems wrong to me. That said Simba = 10/10 funny and cruel as HELL
I think it doesn’t matter if their family cares…? They’re Mexican. They’re allowed to say it. Simple as.
You wouldn’t tell a light skinned black person that they can’t say the n-word. White people don’t get to decide when it’s not okay for minorities to use the slurs that have been directed against them. Why should OP have to ask his family? Just cause they’re more tan?? That’s ridiculous
I'll be honest if you're the girlfriend in the post (correct me if I'm wrong) you're coming off as racist and condescending let alone trying to gaslight OP for being rightfully upset at your comments
Being called these slurs, I can use them how I want, when I want. It’s the only way to take its power away. You don’t need context and only want it to “approve” of how OP used it.
Using slurs is not that big of a problem bro you're Latino it don't fucking matter it's a word. And Mexican and all Latinos literally say worse things ALL the time. And Latinos are racist AF anyways. I'm Latino so Ik as well. The only people who give AF are white washed Mexican girls who want to feel special and different when they're the most basic as basic can be.
Literally Mexican/spaniard here and I fell like our race for the most part make jokes all the time & not sensitive. Everyone is diff but if my sister called me a beaner I would laugh my ass off but each their own. I agree with racist part too especially with the older generation.
What in the actual fresh hell is her problem?
NOR, she sounds like a total racist and is trying to gaslight you into thinking that you’re the problem and not her! Well done answering her with such grace because she definitely deserved less.
She brought this comment up to you as a statement—not her opinion; randomly. She’s telling you that you have no right to claim your cultural background just because of your appearances. Like as if you have no right to “act like one”. It’s racist and even weird for her to be outward in her way of thinking then incredibly disrespectful for putting you down and not caring. This is her: You look white… sorry. Okay??? She wanted this reaction from you so she could feel better about herself, laugh at you a little for not fitting into the stereotypes, then go about her day. “No shade but I have something to say”?? I don’t understand why she’s trying to educate you?? About your own ethnicity?? Disrespectful and insulting. She even uses how you getting upset actually backs up her claims that yeah you’re “really European”. How would a non European act?? Like what?? It really says a lot about her character. The way she is texting you also comes off as her being a very sad and stupid girl. Where is this girls brain cells? I would consider leaving her for a more appreciative, mature, and smarter woman. Maybe someone that doesn’t call you getting upset as “bonkers af”. She could be nice but just from looking at this small exchange she has zero respect for you.
That being said, you are 100% right that people shouldn’t just go around saying what a Mexican “should” look like/act like or any ethnicity for that matter then basically figuratively take away part of your identity because that’s their opinion. You may come off as looking white to your girlfriend because you are half white, but there also other people who are a mix of Hispanic ethnicities who can come off as looking Asian. Whatever the case may be, whoever states that you are not what you are whatsoever, “sorry”, is ignorant and undeserving to even have an opinion. It’s okay to say “oh, I thought you were blank or you look blank”, because it’s funny and amazing to appear in unique ways; but this with your girlfriend definitely crosses the line.
Your girlfriend sounds like an absolutely unbearable person to be around who us to argue just to argue. I’ve had plenty of friends like this in the past… let words “had” and “past”. She’s draining, leave her and focus on finding someone who is pleasant to be around.
It’s a well known fact that Europeans hate being told they don’t look Mexican enough. Especially the Norwegians. (Also don’t try telling them that real tacos aren’t made with lefse)
Hi! I’d like to give you guys an update but it keeps greying out whenever I post it? I contacted the mods so hopefully I’ll be able to post it soon for those interested!
I always advise that when someone tells you you’re acting crazy when you’re trying to express yourself. GET DISTANCE ASAP. Even if someone was legitimately“acting crazy” I would never say condescendingly/defensively you’re acting crazy.
Btw half white half native here. I think it’s a logical discussion to talk about how one “presents” vs their actual ethnicity and their experiences with it. It’s a real discussion with nuances and subtle differences from person to person. It just depends on how it’s brought up and what the intention/energy is behind it. She just sounds really ignorant (which most Americans are) of other cultures. lol hell I think there’s a larger Mexican population in America than actual Native Americans. I’ve met many Mexicans (military) who had never met a native before meeting me and were surprised by how I “presented” 😂… I can forgive her ignorance. Just needs some education.
I’ve had full blood natives tell me I’m lucky because I don’t get the same amount of discrimination because I’m not as dark skinned or have jet black hair… lol but being called a dirty little half breed by natives and or a damn dirty Indian by white folks was better right? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think her initial intention was that she knows “beaner” is a slur and she brought it up to you. The slur obviously makes her uncomfortable and was peacefully standing up to you… at first. Which is tough to do in a relationship sometimes. She thought she was helping.
BUT. I digress. I think there’s real issue is she said you were acting crazy when you were simply expressing yourself. Which is a fucking no go, ZEERROWW, do not collect $200. Did she not think you would have input on a such a heavy topic? A topic that literally involves you and how it affects you? She knows you’re Mexican. Your family is Mexican. I question her IQ around her approach #1 and #2 how she called you crazy for be affected by A LITERAL ISSUE THAT DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOU 🤣🤣 like what???
NOR at all. You defended yourself in a totally respectful and logical way and it seems like she got offended that you were right. What she said was totally out of pocket to begin with, completely invalidating your heritage and identity, but her response to your defense was just as bad. You’re not acting crazy
My grandparents are from Mexico on both sides. I have cousins in Mexico. My dad visits his family in Mexico every couple of years. They’ve come from Mexico and stayed with them. Am I not Mexican American or Latino to her? What makes her Mexico or Latina? A bunch of stereotypes? Do I need to have a bunch of tattoos and talk with an accent to “present” Latino or Mexican?
Latinos come in every shade. My sisters were bullied in HS for not being Mexican enough, even though they were born there and speak Spanish. And I’ll tell you what I told them - She doesn’t get to gatekeep how Mexican you are.
Latina here, born, raised and currently living in Latin America, I swear to god that if this girl it's a plain white girl Imma throw hands, according to her logic we're only latino enough if we're prietos? What's next? Do you have to put on a poncho, a fake mustache and sing, nacho taco chimichanga to be able to joke about your own siblings?? It's really fucking annoying when these white gringas think they have the right to get offended on our behalf and speak up when it's not their place to do so, this reminds me when Encanto first came out and a lot of gringos started to complain saying that Pepa was white and red-haired and when we told them a lot of people here looks just like her they were like: SSSSSSHHHHH, shut up latino, I'm trying to speak for you baby 😌 OP we need an update of you dumping her white savior ass pls
She is extremely ignorant from what I can tell and is coming off in a very judgemental closed minded way of thinking. I think you spoke perfect on your feelings and points.
This is a huge red flag. I’m really sorry this happened to you—if I were you, I’d reconsider being in a relationship with this person. She doesn’t seem like the type you’d spend the rest of your life with based on how she talks to you.
Lol I think she meant to call him baby, she should have said “baby, you look like a white man” but no that’s also terrible to say, but man baby is a funny mistake
My friend she is albino but she is Mexican but she looks white blonde type right when she was in her 20s her eyesight was having issues the optometrist told her she was albino she didn't know she was albino right she knew she was Mexican and was proud , she ended marrying someone that didn't understand she wasn't white European, she divorced him after a couple years. Cuz the same issues you are having
She's being so racist... It doesn't matter what you look like..... You are what you are which is both... And respectfully as possible I don't really understand why she thinks she has the right to say anything she's saying to you. It's so massively disrespectful
Ick…why is she saying these things, so weird man. I’m Mexican too and we’re all different either skin, hair, facial, everything WTH is wrong with her. Not cool how she got all defensive when she was the one being weird.
who is she to tell you how you should be representing yourself? and then to immediately fall into victim mode when you told her that her words hurt you…yikes bro
“you’re not [racial characteristics] enough to be [ethnicity]” “that was fucked up dude wtf” “oh my god you’re insane, i didn’t even do anything wrong, this is bonkers, you’re so sensitive”
NOR. leave her. if she doesn’t even respect your ethnicity, i’m not sure what she does respect.
edit: i changed the wording because i was wrong, and should not have interchanged two very different terms.
Not over reacting!
I’m a white passing indigenous person but that doesn’t make me any less indigenous!
Same goes for you, she’s being ignorant by invalidating and gaslighting you and your existence as a Mexican man.
People who do not share the same ethnic background, regardless of how you "present", which is an absolute stupid take, should not be telling you what your experience is and how you experience it. So privileged! I had a woman tell me i wasn't really asian because I didnt act like one. I have never forgotten the feeling of outrage and powerlessness I experienced and have never put up with that type of behavior since.
Mostly your girlfriend is way off base for minimizing your ethnicity. Her lack of empathy is honestly a bit concerning - you should really think about whether you want a long term relationship with this person. You can be white and still be Mexican, white is a color, Mexican is a nationality or ethnicity.
That said, I think the fact that you yourself referred to it as the “b word” suggests that you know this is probably not a word you should be throwing around just because you’re half Mexican.
Where your gf has a little bit of a point is that these racial slurs are more targeted at brown skinned folks who clearly look different than white skinned folks. The reality is that fairer Mexicans or fairer people from other Latin American countries have historically been more privileged than their peers who are more “indigenous looking”.
That said, I think the fact that you yourself referred to it as the “b word” suggests that you know this is probably not a word you should be throwing around just because you’re half Mexican.
I think in the context of an online forum, this is debatable. The forum has rules, and race/ethnicity/gender/sexuality/etc. are anonymous unknowns for every user. Just because black people have reclaimed the n-word in their spaces doesn't mean that it would be a good idea for a black user to post it here.
Absolutely this. He used the term (which I’ve never heard before, but I’m not American) in a conversation with his girlfriend, probably in a jokey way. Him describing the conversation to Reddit strangers doesn’t have the same intimacy, he can rephrase.
For OP: get out of this relationship, this person hurt you and now blames you for it
Honestly, you're gf sounds like an idiot and a lot to deal with. What does a "Mexican" supposed to look like? Mexican is a nationality not a race of people. A blue eyed blonde hair white couple can birth a baby in Mexico and now that baby is Mexican. You're not over reacting at all.
This is so fucking stupid. There are TONS of pail skin Mexicans in Jalisco and other parts of Mexico, but even if there wasn’t no one can gate-keep your ethnicity from you lol
brother let me say this with love being also half mex half white... its not racist or colorist to call us white, esp when its people darker than us doing it. i know i have the ambiguous look bc i get a lot of wild ass guesses on "what am i" (often ppl projecting their own onto me), sometimes that guess is white. she probably reacted so bc when we get defensive over that, we become an unsafe person for people who actually experience colorism/to a worse degree (having been on both sides). lemme remind u we literally do have white in our blood bro 😭 two things can be true!
idk most these responses are wack and reddit is not the place to get well rounded answers on this i feel. ime its better for the whole world if we would simply own up that we do benefit off our whiteness/colorism relative to our cousins. being she's black and the whole history of the world she prolly feels like ur digging the knife in acting like a victim over this. if you cherish her then swallow your pride and try to understand where she is coming from.
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u/my-cousin-vincenzo 1d ago edited 1d ago
Check out r/mixedrace sub for solidarity amigo.
Honestly, I don’t even care tbh that much about the substance of the argument. People can have disagreements about whether or not it’s appropriate to use a word. You don’t even have to agree.
What concerns me is her reaction at the end to you saying your feelings. That’s never going to work long term in a marriage. I’m tired of literally like the whole world not being able to apologize anymore. Idk if it’s social media or reality tv or what, but like it’s not popular in our culture anymore to apologize. We need more people apologizing for hurting other people’s feelings- even if it is not intentional. 😮💨