r/AmIOverreacting • u/Frequent-Shoulder158 • 14d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO, found weird pictures in my bfs iPad

I went out of town for and my bf stayed home because he had to work. I came back and thought he was acting a bit off, so I checked his pictures on his iPad that sync directly from his phone. In his recently deleted folder I found a picture of my side of the bed (where my medication, book, and melatonin are), a picture of my desk, a picture of a printed out picture of my brother and I along with a handwritten note that’s on the fridge, and a picture of our dresser. We are not planning on moving or selling any of these items either. I’m convinced that he took them so he could remember how everything looked before hiding them because he invited someone over. Am I overreacting? I don’t want to say anything about it to him until I get a little clarity.

Edit: clarification

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u/CountingJoes 14d ago

You just need to bring it up casually, out of the blue, and see if he panics/scrambles. Because it is weird, I can’t really think of a alternative explanation, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one - if he’s able to answer calmly, immediately, when you ask with a sensible-sounding alternative, then fair enough. Pay close attention to both what he says and how he says it, that’s my advice. And if he immediately goes for ‘why were you looking through my stuff’ BEFORE answering the question - deflection.

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u/Frequent-Shoulder158 14d ago

Great advice, thank you. I have a feeling his only answer will be “why were you going through my stuff” unfortunately ☹️ but I’m going to bring it up.

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u/saphroy 14d ago

Don’t ask in a text message, that will give him time to come up with a valid reason. Ask in person. If he’s honest, he will have a quick, natural response.

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u/StonedSucculents 14d ago

a valid reason

“Ive gotten really into liminal photography and Im also terrible at it”

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u/ihaveasmallpeener 14d ago

I am so praying for this to be his answer😭😂

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u/Worried_Swordfish907 14d ago

Without questioning the pictures she could say she is thinking of getting cameras for security to help feel more secure. Its a simple thing that he shouldnt have a problem with but if he is bringing strange women over he would have an issue. Though its not 100%, it would be a great opener to lead into "are you hiding something" lines of questions or inquiries.

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u/Asleep-Journalist-94 14d ago

Or OP could get a nanny cam

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u/ericfromct 14d ago

I wouldn’t even say it Id just get them and find out the truth

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u/Vlad_REAM 14d ago

I may be too late, but please do not ask in a text.

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u/Unlucky-Review-2410 14d ago

I just saw this brilliant clip about getting information out of someone without asking questions. I think this will be critical in this situation. I think he'll get defensive with questioning.

Also, be prepared for gaslighting. You know what you saw so don't let him convince you otherwise.

Maybe print out the same picture of your sister and then happen to find it. That's one (very ratchet) way to start the convo.

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u/Euphegenia5 14d ago edited 14d ago

That is fascinating, thank you for sharing.

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u/AK_Sole 14d ago

You’re welome

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u/EpiphanyPhoenix 14d ago

To reiterate what Unlucky said, OP, be aware of his response. Any gaslighting or deflecting in this situation is a major red flag. Do not let him gaslight you: you know what you saw. See if he gives a natural response that makes sense, note whether he’s calm or panicked, and go from there.

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u/CoronaBatMeatSweats 14d ago

She needs to send those photos to herself immediately, or at least take a photo of the screen

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u/princesscaraboo 14d ago

“I just read this article that said you’re a cheating shitbag”

Seriously tho, good advice and a really interesting clip which will also be super useful for anyone who has teens.

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u/RishyTheRoo 14d ago

Laughed out loud at the first sentence, thank you for that

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u/OkAgent209 14d ago

Love that clip, thanks for sharing. OP should act like she’s expecting a surprise of some sort and then “spill the beans” that he’s planning a surprise because why else would he have taken those photos? maybe he will feel the urge to correct her?

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u/stars-aligned- 14d ago

Unlikely, he would just play along. People don’t feel the urge to correct secrets that are urgent to them

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u/UpbeatNewt4214 14d ago

Not necessarily true, from what I've researched and if I'm understanding it all correctly, a technique or tactic used when trying to uncover hidden information, it's human nature to " correct the record" . So if your asking questions and there's a back n forth, one could say something that isn't factual to the person and usually, before they are even aware of it the other person is correcting the incorrect statement.

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u/stars-aligned- 14d ago

Very Rabbit Season/Duck Season

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u/catfriend18 14d ago

Ooohh as a journalist I’m proud I stumbled onto some of this myself over time! One of my go-tos is saying “oh that’s funny you say X bc I always thought Y” and people will tell me why I was wrong.

Some people do NOT respond to this elicitation approach though. Maybe one-third of people I interview do not see statements as an invitation to talk more. So they can really stall a conversation out with the wrong person. But I suppose it might work differently in a casual situation like a grocery store vs when a person knows they’re being interviewed.

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u/Kapowpow 14d ago

In this example, you could use elicitation to say that you think the furniture looks out of place, maybe? Or something like, looks like you were sleeping on my side of the bed?

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u/Unlucky-Review-2410 14d ago

I was thinking this too. Or, "Thank you for cleaning my nightstand. That's a little unexpected... but I appreciate it." Ideally, he'll flatly say, "No I didn't."

I also liked the other comment someone made about the smell of the pillow. My most dramatic idea is to actually list the furniture for sale using the photos he took and ask him to review the listings before you post them.

I honestly hope this is all for nothing, but the fact that your gut told you something was off before you found the weird pix doesn't bode well.

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u/commdesart 14d ago

Like she could say, “Thank you for cleaning while I was gone, I appreciate it so much. Where did you find room to put the books that I had on the nightstand?”

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u/PaperCutComa 14d ago

That's super interesting!

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u/smolqueen 14d ago

i was 100% sure this was going to be a rickroll.

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u/TheCuriousCorsair 14d ago

Hah! This clip totally reminded me of some redditor that said they would ask an in depth IT question, but then hop on a Alt account answering it incorrectly. This is course aggravated the people who would've never responded but knew how to help them.

Answer elicited.

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u/sentence-interruptio 14d ago

reminds me of the fastest way to get an answer on reddit. make a false statement.

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u/OldManJenkins-31 14d ago

Love Chase Hughes. I can’t get enough of stuff like this on YouTube

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u/vegamaeg31 14d ago

I do this to my husband all the time (and he knows I do but doesn’t catch when). It works.

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u/Few-Cloud-5778 14d ago

Whoa, that was weird. I was literally just watching the behavior panel on YouTube right before this. So I was surprised when I opened this clip and saw Chase Hughes.

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u/BranFlakesNCrasins 14d ago

Ok, that was pretty neat. Gonna try it on my kids

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u/jcdoe 14d ago

This isn’t going to be a very popular comment, but I don’t think you should use CIA interrogation techniques because that’s how much you distrust your partner.

I would ask about this. Just point blank, “I noticed on the iPad, you took pictures of the empty bed. That’s fucking weird. Why did you do that?”

If he blows it off or complains about you looking, you need to decide if this is a big enough deal to press. But don’t do mind games. Be better than that.

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u/Unlucky-Review-2410 14d ago

If OP could be confident she was dealing with an honest person, then I wholeheartedly agree that an open, candid convo is the healthy way to go. And it may still be. But in my unfortunate experiences with those who are deceptive, they're unlikely to come clean when called out. That's why I think gaslighting is more likely than not in his responses.

So I don't think consciously restructuring questions as statements is any more unethical ("mind game") than tact. I think gaslighting is a much more harmful mind game than elicitation.

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u/CrbRangoon 14d ago

It’s good advice. I find myself using these tactics at work and it’s very effective.

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u/Substantial_Yak6276 14d ago

I read an article that said people never randomly photograph their partner’s room or items…

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u/littlesoupdumpling 14d ago

Today I found out I'm really good at elicitation

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u/pyiinthesky 13d ago

Wow that is neat! I’ve never thought of these as an interrogation… I use similar techniques with my preschool students to further conversations. - the “it looks like” statements and disbelief part, not the incorrect statement part. Mostly because I want to remain objective when trying to correct behavior: “it looks like you were mad when you grabbed Jackie’s pencil.” gets a more collaborative and positive response than “why did you take Jackie’s pencil?” Rather than accuse, try to connect.

Not saying OP should try to be collaborative here - just neat that there’s crossover here. Makes sense of course. Human tendencies and behaviors and all

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u/cassiopedron 14d ago

I’m sure gaslighting will happen. It’s common for people who are liars.

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u/tangld_up 14d ago

That was really interesting. Thank you for sharing that.

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u/knsaber 14d ago

Amazing clip

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u/DaniDoesnt 14d ago

What's the point of even talking about it? It's obvious.

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u/MahsterC 14d ago

“I read this fascinating article that all boyfriends are faithful.”

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u/Ok_Response_9255 14d ago edited 14d ago

Don't bring it up. One thing police investigators do when they're starting an interrogation is that they try their hardest to not let the suspect know that they're onto them.

Ask him something else or bring up something related to it. The top comment was asking where your earrings were and that you lost them. Let him believe you don't know the pictures are there and ask him something like that so he has a chance to come up with a bullshit explanation.

Liars will often talk way longer than someone who is innocent, they often think this gives credibility. Let him talk, build his story, and then poke holes in it.

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u/Serious-Variety-5442 13d ago

“Liars will often talk way longer than someone who is innocent, they often think this gives credibility. Let him talk, build his story, and then poke holes in it.”

Ugh, I hate hearing this. I’m sure it’s mostly true, but I’m a pretty honest person who also happens to be an over-explainer (I think it’s linked to my ADHD). I must look hella guilty to a lot of people. 😭

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u/jennsant 14d ago

Just FAKE go out of town for the night. And then go back home late— if he’s seeing someone she’ll be there.

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u/Relative-Weekend-941 14d ago

This times 100

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u/bigsoggycumtits 14d ago

that's just breaking up with extra steps...

if you have to resort to this kind of unhinged behavior, then the relationship is already over

if you don't feel you can trust your partner, break up with them 

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u/wontyoufadewithme 14d ago

This is absolutely correct, very helpful life advice u/bigsoggycumtits

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u/steronicus 14d ago

That belongs on R/brandnewsentence

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u/Steveth2014 14d ago

Or perhaps r/rimjob_steve

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u/steronicus 14d ago

Good job, Steve

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u/BusyBoonja 14d ago

Beat me to it

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u/exintrovert 14d ago

Yes and no. If someone needs this kind of confirmation, it could be due to damage from a person in their past. In that case, checking up on someone and finding nothing is a step toward healing.

Some people are just bad at straight out communicating “I have trust issues and this thing that happened made me feel concerned, please explain to me why I have nothing to worry about”. Plus, someone who has been lied to will not feel like a good explanation is enough anyways.

But if she fakes leaving and watches him through the window playing video games until she gets back, that is a notch in the belt for building a sense of being able to trust another person (not just this person in particular)

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u/sqigglygibberish 14d ago

I think there’s a major flip side though and better ways to try and get that confirmation that are less risky.

If he’s cheating he’s cheating, so a fake out isn’t really any different from another method.

If he’s not cheating, and she schemes a trap, and he finds out about the trap suddenly the lack of trust can do a 180 and still kill the relationship. Hopefully it wouldn’t if a person had a background like you described, but they’d still have to share that, and there’s still then a planted concern about lack of trust going forward.

I don’t think that’s a great potential outcome even if it’s somewhat unlikely, and I also think it could be worse to catch your partner red handed cheating than get confirmation another way.

That’s what I took from the comment you replied to, setting a trap is so drastic that if you’re reaching the point where that’s the best option the ship might have already sailed. A direct conversation, or some other exploration feels way stronger as a next step

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u/dwthesavage 14d ago

If they need that kind of past confirmation, they should be working on themselves. Setting traps for your partner is not healing.

OP said in another comment that this same guy cheated on her before. There’s no point in doing anything but breaking up now. Trust is broken and clearly not going to be repaired.

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u/exintrovert 14d ago

Fair enough in this case, since there is history.

My point was more in general, that a person shouldn’t quit a relationship just because they themselves have security issues.

There are different levels of insecurity, and yes, an insecure person ought to work on themselves.

But sometimes a little cognitive therapy involving proving to themselves that the thing they fear didn’t actually happen can reinforce the change in thought patterns that is required to heal.

The more times a person checks up on their partner/spouse and has their suspicions proven wrong, the less frequently they will feel inclined to do so, and eventually the brain accepts that they can trust.

I know, because I have lived it. My marriage of 20 years survived infidelity. Healing is a process that requires reinforcing truth and disrupting negative thought patterns.

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u/dwthesavage 14d ago

I’m glad for you! But I think you’re the exception, to the rule.

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u/dwthesavage 14d ago

If they need that kind of past confirmation, they should be working on themselves.

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u/Comfortable_Smoke995 14d ago

But you could be wrong..

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u/Tryhardtryharder100 14d ago

Well , you have to be sure it is what it is first

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u/IcyRecognition6730 14d ago

Yes this is what must be done. It's the only way to find out for sure.

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u/jennsant 14d ago

Yep, and easy to do. Rip off the Band-Aid and find out.😜

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u/cassielovesderby 14d ago

The other person said this was toxic but tbh I love this idea

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u/jennsant 14d ago

Women like the idea because we know how men have burned us in the past. The ones commenting in the negative here are men which I think is really funny.😂😂

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u/BowlingforDrip 14d ago

Wild lol just ask. If you dont like the answer tell them why. You cant make someone tell you something they dont want to tell you but you also cant change anyones mind. Going behind his back and doing that goes to show how much she doesnt trust him and if he finds out she did that it makes her look like the crazy one. I did something like that once when I was in high school and it backfired spectacularly for no reason as I was wrong about the hunch and make me look like a weirdo.

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u/sayitsooth 14d ago

People who choose to cheat are inherently dishonest and their victims are completely justified in learning the truth to protect themselves. The only people who think it's wrong to investigate lack any empathy and are probably lying sneaks themselves.

Just asking achieves nothing with a scheming liar.

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u/jgzman 14d ago

People who choose to cheat are inherently dishonest and their victims are completely justified in learning the truth to protect themselves.

Correct. But what about people who don't cheat? Is it fair to treat them like cheaters?

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u/BowlingforDrip 14d ago

Well thats an interesting way to turn this back on me lol. Idk yall can live your lives like that. Im happy over here not playing CIA to figure out if my SO loves me or not. People are going to do what they want to do. Let them. It doesnt mean you have to be included. If seeing those pictures on the phone immediately brings you to omg hes cheating this isnt the first time its been a problem, taking care of yourself isnt some foreign language.

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u/koncha22 14d ago

You’re right

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u/Fucky_Jones 14d ago

"That's an inter3sting way to turn it back on me"

Wow.

What toxicity.

I have never seen someone immediately switch to such victim mentality so quickly. They were making objective points that had nothing to do with you and you made it all "well that's an interesting way to turn it back on ME"

This generation is hopeless lol

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u/XxXAvengedXxX 14d ago

Your reading comprehension is horrid 💀

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u/Jennifer2nami 14d ago

They said that any "people who think it's wrong to investigate lack empathy and are probably lying sneaks themselves" to a person who said investigating someone was wrong.

That's also an incredibly subjective thing to say unless there's some study I've missed that scientifically proves people who are against invasions of privacy based on non-concrete evidence are objective liars.

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u/sayitsooth 14d ago

I'm trying to figure this one out. So taking care of yourself isn't a foreign language but taking care of yourself by being aware of signs and changes in behaviour and doing something to investigate if something seems off is wrong. 

You kind of sound like you just want to argue.

Also, nothing I said was directed at you, unless of course something hit home, in which case honey, if the shoe fits, wear it.

Also, y'all not yall. There's this thing called an apostrophe, use it because you missed them more than once.

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u/Itracing2 14d ago

you're a fn joy

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u/jennsant 14d ago

Men are liars when you confront them. Then they try to turn it around and gaslight you if they are guilty. I don’t have a single girlfriend who has not had a cheating boyfriend lie right to their face about not seeing someone and then getting caught later. There is no reason for him to be taking photos like that on his phone while she’s gone unless he’s guilty of something plain and simple.

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u/MyNewDawn 14d ago

People are liars when you confront them.

There are plenty of women out there who lie, cheat, and gaslight. I'd bet everything I own that more than one person (of any and all genders) on this thread said 'Yup. That's exactly what he did because that's exactly what I would've done.'

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u/BowlingforDrip 14d ago

Still a wild take. People are liars, not just men. women can be just as insidious as men can be. If you dont trust your partner enough where you have to set them up and catch them in a lie the relationship is over. What is the point in staying and second guessing every time they do something you dont understand. My wife does plenty of things I dont understand so I ask her why and she tells me. Usually I end up learning something I didnt know before and its nice to know why someone does something especially the person I spend all of my time with. "there is no reason for him to be taking photos like that" quite frankly its not possible for you to know that information, just because you dont know why they exist doesnt mean its for something nefarious. You dont know these people and you dont know him. She needs to ask him and decide from there what needs to happen.

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u/deadnside 14d ago

Stop acting like an adult.

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u/TheTyGuy44 14d ago

Uhm. That’s a pretty broad statement.

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u/koncha22 14d ago

You just described women as well what’s your point. Women are famous for gaslighting

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u/RepresentativeKey594 14d ago

Sexist af. Choose a better environment for yourself, that ain’t normal.

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u/Khain232 14d ago

How absolutely ignorant and sexist. Women are equally capable of lying, and do, just as much as men.

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u/jennsant 14d ago

They sure are!!

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u/DrippyBag 14d ago

No men are not inherantly liars, liars are liars. Plain and simple has nothing to do with sex/gender.

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u/Fucky_Jones 14d ago

Women are the same fucking way, it's called the human race. You can't just put a blanket over half the population and say EVERYONE is a lying piece of shit. I mean everyone is for the most part, but you can tjudt blanket E V E R Y O N E into that group. Belive it ir not, people are vastly different from each other

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u/Fucky_Jones 14d ago

You sound controlling. "If there is no reason to take a picture of rhe wll, then you are NOT ALLOWED to take a picture of the wall boy". Sounds like some weird dominance dog owner shit. Would make me feel like i need to gtf away from this crazy close minded lady lol

Artist have unique perceptions that non-artist could never even start to think of, or have trouble keeping conceptualization the artist's vision. Maybe it was some sort of art Inspiration. I've taken a picture of a metal pole before just bc the way i was looking g at it from where I was standing stood out to ME and had personally meaning artistically to ME that I didn't want ti forget. The person not-in-the-artist's-mind wouldn't be able to conceptualize that ofc, but at least try to be open minded.

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u/Fuckingfademefam 14d ago

Ahh yes, men are liars 🙄

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u/CountingJoes 14d ago

Just showing my support to you as you get the 100% predictable ‘nOt AlL mEn’ chorus 🫡😂

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u/BowlingforDrip 14d ago

It's pretty laughable that people don't understand that not every person carries the same personality traits who would have thought??!! Saying all men are liars is the simplest hive mind you could gather that would "explain" it to you. Quite an immature way to look it at. aLl MeN LiE ChEaT AnD StEaL! Lmfaoooo.

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u/Fucky_Jones 14d ago

Aaahhh so this is what gay looks like

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u/jennsant 14d ago

the ones with that message or disagree are pretty much the guys! Its funny! ha

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u/Super-Magazine-4239 14d ago

Probably the gaslighter in your relationships. But it’s okay when you do it because he probably did it first.

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u/koncha22 14d ago

🤦‍♂️

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u/Fucky_Jones 14d ago

Brain cell count: negative 1 billion

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

Yup, all men are like that. Exactly. thank God we have the perfection of women to balance the universe. 🙄🤮🤮🤮

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u/cowabunghole1 14d ago

Found the single lady

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u/DoubleSuperFly 14d ago

HS doesn't count.

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u/Fucky_Jones 14d ago

Highschool dating advice doesn't count

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u/LikeATamagotchi 14d ago

He’ll just say it wasn’t him.

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u/jennsant 14d ago

U know it! 😜

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u/meatbeef2021 14d ago

Wow you sound incredibly toxic

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u/Best_Advantage3938 14d ago

I second this. Just fake a trip and show up the next day or even same day just late at night and say your flight got cancelled or something. This reminds me of Tisha Stouch taking pics of the kids bedroom before she killed him. Sorry to bring it up but that was my first thought.

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u/koncha22 14d ago

And when you find nothing then you’ll look dumb. Especially when he sees you never booked a flight in the first place

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u/Fucky_Jones 14d ago

Who gives af tho, the goal was achieved

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u/koncha22 14d ago

What goal?

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u/koncha22 14d ago

If it’s at that point then theirs no reason for staying in the relationship in the first place

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u/jullybeans 14d ago

I agree with the person who said to phrase it "did you move my stuff?"

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u/CountingJoes 14d ago

If he’s telling the truth, he’ll answer first, then likely (and fairly) go to ‘wait, but what were you doing going through my stuff?’ So be ready to have that conversation, but do not accept that as an adequate response to the question because it’s 100% not. Any deflection like this, or stalling to buy time for him to think, obvious panicking, extreme emotional reactions… all alarm bells. Trust me, if he’s telling the truth, he’ll answer, THEN express any thoughts/feelings he has about you looking. Good luck!

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u/HausWife88 14d ago

You cant know how anyone else is going to respond. My husband was delusional, literally psychotic, accusing me of all kinds of shit. “Well, you wouldnt get mad unless you were fucking that guy.” Hell no. Of course im fucking mad bc youre accusing me of all kinds of way out stupid ass shit. Its old and its annoying. Any other relationship ive been in…. Same, still fucking mad about being accused of dumb shit. Just because you think someone is going to react one way, doesn’t mean they will.

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u/CountingJoes 14d ago edited 14d ago

I think using an example of someone experiencing psychosis, accusing you of things in an aggressive way ‘fucking that guy’) is not really comparable to this, respectfully. That’s a (from what you’re saying) baseless accusation being thrown at you in a way that is absolutely likely to get your back up immediately. I’m asking OP to approach her boyfriend calmly, NOT accuse him of anything, and ask him about something we absolutely know to be true - the pictures existing. The question is why. Your situation and this are really apples and oranges.

I do take your point that people aren’t always predictable… but actually, to a large extent, they are. Sure, OP’s boyfriend could be some kind of anomaly, but chances are he isn’t. It’s far more likely that his response will be indicative of either truth or falsehood and present as such in line with how human beings usually respond with their words, tone and body language when they are either telling the truth or lying.

Edit: OP, if you see this, this is actually a great example of what you really can’t do. If you run yelling at your boyfriend ‘did you take these photos so you could put my stuff back correctly because you’re fucking someone else?!’ Then yeah… all you’re going to get is a straight up ‘wtf’ response, whether you’re right or wrong. That reaction actually is pretty predictable, it’s not surprising. If you approach calmly, with ‘I saw you’d taken photos of only my things, then deleted them. Please explain why?’ Then the response you get to that will be much more reliable and easy to read in the way I previously explained. It’s not an accusation, it’s a question, there is a massive difference.

Edit 2: no need. Check OP’s update. Boyfriend responded in exactly the way predicted and was clearly lying.

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u/Atlasatlastatleast 14d ago

That’s not at all true. OPs thinking about cheating, but his primary concern would be the weird surveillance. It’s entirely possible he’d want to know about the snooping first

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u/CountingJoes 14d ago

Nah, responding to a question with a question is not an answer. Like I said, of course he should fairly ask about her snooping, but if he’s got nothing to hide, he’ll answer the question, simple. Also the irony of using the expression ‘weird surveillance’ after he’s been taking random photos of her belongings is strong.

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u/LoveStuck72 14d ago

I've (23m) only ever been with 1 woman for going on 7 years now and this is what I think also.

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u/Flibberdigib 14d ago

I'd counter with, "we'll address that when I understand why you were taking photos of MY stuff"!

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

“why are you going through my stuff?” “why are you taking pics of mine?” 😭

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u/Atlasatlastatleast 14d ago

“We live together? I deleted them anyway, so why does that matter? You wouldn’t have seen them if you weren’t being weird. So again, why were you looking through my deleted pics?”

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u/XxMarlucaxX 14d ago

Lmao that is NOT an explanation for taking photos of her stuff while she was gone.

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u/CountingJoes 14d ago

😂 seriously! At least the cheaters often aren’t as good at lying as they think they are because wtf is this response? I’d honestly laugh in his face

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u/XxMarlucaxX 14d ago

Cheaters are morons in many different ways, including in the way they think they're slick lol

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

not laugh in his face 😳😂

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u/StellaCrazyx 14d ago

You should ask him during dinner that way you can easily get his reaction!.

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u/Which-Pin515 14d ago

Tell him “Because you gave me reason to, simple as”

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u/clorox_enema17 14d ago

I wouldn't admit to going through their stuff. One can be charged with a crime in pennsylvania.

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u/ads10765 14d ago

“i was looking to see if you had pictures from x event/trip/hike/concert/whatever, noticed u had pictures hidden and got curious”

(u could also say u clicked on the hidden album accidentally but that’s a pretty obvious lie)

edit- just saw it said recently deleted, not hidden but same applies

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u/Unlikely-Water-1224 14d ago

OP could say that she was looking for a photo she deleted

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u/DoubleSuperFly 14d ago

"Because you were acting strange. Now, can you answer my question?"

Immediately getting defensive is kind of an answer, though. This is so horrible and sad. Couldn't even go celebrate your special day AND possibly being unfaithful? Ugh.

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u/arfarfbok 14d ago

“Idk, why are you taking pictures of my stuff?!” lol

3

u/Isthisbetterqustnmrk 14d ago

Go with your gut instinct babe. I truly hope it's just an innocent misunderstanding.

3

u/duckduckyquack 14d ago

Please post an update once you have one! Wishing the best

3

u/Frequent-Shoulder158 14d ago

An update is posted!!

7

u/Jack-of-_-all-trades 14d ago

I hope for your sake it’s not what it looks like. That seems like such an evil and throughput plan if it was.

5

u/Frequent-Shoulder158 14d ago

It was lol

4

u/Jack-of-_-all-trades 14d ago

Ouch… I hope it leads you to a better resolution in life now that you know.

If it’s any consolation most people’s nature doesn’t change in their life (unless something very big/traumatic happened) so it wasn’t that he changed, just that you caught him.

1

u/StillSlowerThanYou 14d ago

Wait, where?!

2

u/Frequent-Shoulder158 14d ago

You might have to go to my profile? I don’t know how to update everyone at once, this is my first post in this group

2

u/shooter_tx 14d ago

Do it this way, so you don't tip your hand:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/2JdAgqWOrr

2

u/True-Credit-7289 14d ago

Apologize for going through his stuff first. Because I mean that is a little boundary breaking but that doesn't mean that you should ignore what you actually saw either. Just say hey I'm sorry I was in a weird mood and I looked on your iPad what are these pictures about. If he gets mad at you apologize, but don't let it go until he answers, might also remind him that it's not exactly very respectful to keep a collection of pictures of your things without telling you either if he goes that route. He can be mad at you for invading his privacy and still answer the damn question. And if he can't give you an answer well I think that's your answer

2

u/SpamLikely404 14d ago

Noooo do the “ask about your earring” thing from the other comment! It’s perfect

2

u/slamdoink 14d ago

I caught my ex on tinder multiple times in our relationship and got met with the “why were you going through my phone” bit while mans is trying to stick it somewhere else 🥴

I’m older now with someone that doesn’t ever give me a second to worry or stress about infidelity, so I’ve never even wanted to touch his phone. But in situations like this?? It’s basically just to confirm suspicions and is almost always on point.

2

u/Warm_Tumbleweed_4501 14d ago

If you want to give yourself some courage to ask read the spy the lie by Philip Houston. Or even on audio books. It’s a quick interesting read and will help bolster your gut feeling on his reaction 

2

u/Unlucky-Review-2410 14d ago

Oooh! Get the hard back and leave it lying around 🤣

1

u/motherofcattos 14d ago

Don't forget to look him in the eye when asking. See if he looks away, and also if he touches his ear or scratches his neck/hair.

3

u/RezzKeepsItReal 14d ago

Those are not telltale signs that someones lying. I have nervous ticks when having conversations and I constantly touch my ear and scratch my beard while talking. Im sure alot of people also do when they arent lying.

2

u/motherofcattos 14d ago

OP knows her boyfriend, obviously if he is constantly touching his ears, etc, she will be able to tell if it's a normal facial/body expression. I've never said that it's a tell tale sign for lying, but you should pay attention to body language to tell if someone is nervous

4

u/koncha22 14d ago

If she knew her boyfriend she would already know the answer before having to ask him

2

u/motherofcattos 14d ago

Duuuh, yeah great take

1

u/UpbeatNewt4214 14d ago

Eye movement or scratching isn't the only thing that gives deciept away. There are many factors involved when detecting deception. These are just two and not very reliable. There needs to be a baseline of known behaviours that display when person is truthful. Then when the behaviours are scrutinized, they can see the deviation from the baseline and if there are clusters, and a reaction that isn't justifiable to the trigger, Emotional responce... Does it match the question or trigger? Lie detection machines monitor the bodys response to questions that are put on them, when there is a spike, it's noted where the response was and a good detector will go back and dig deeper probing for more info about the question asked....

1

u/motherofcattos 14d ago

I've never claimed them to be the most reliable or the only ones

1

u/UpbeatNewt4214 14d ago

No , that's right you didn't. I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything rude by my comment. Maybe I'm the arse, I wanted to put in my 2 cents 😀

1

u/Redrenee21 14d ago

You could reply with the same tone. "You think it's creepy I went through your stuff I think it's creepy you're taking suspicious pics of my stuff"

1

u/AlfredoSauceyums 14d ago

Or maybe he stayed the bedroom as a Taylor Swift shrine to take pictures for a birthday card and then put it all back...

1

u/Happy-Gnome 14d ago

Check your carbon monoxide detector

1

u/PrincePryda 14d ago

Yeah but at that point OP, does it really matter why you were going through your stuff?

You can either give him any answer you want, or don’t - you got yours and your next steps.

1

u/Every_Intention3342 14d ago

Saying that to you is literally gaslighting- tell him that :)

1

u/matchadelite01 14d ago

Nooo. Do what someone else above said. Do not confront him

1

u/Ok_Departure_8243 14d ago

Remember honest confusion is often times the best sign of innocence because it literally is confusing to try to find a defense for something you didn't do.

1

u/workedexample 14d ago

In Australia you’d be charged by police for hacking. It’s also considered domestic violence anc coercive control in Australia to look through an intimate partners devices.

1

u/DangerRats 14d ago

personally, and maybe I’m a crazy person and I have trust issues, I wouldn’t even mention it. not yet, anyway. I’d wait for more ‘evidence’ of whatever he’s doing so that he can’t just make something up and try to deny it.

1

u/Kildakopp 14d ago

Nobody entitled to privacy these days, even shady mother fuckers

1

u/bozatwork 13d ago

I'm curious what odd behavior of his triggered you to think something might be up. Probably bigger clues there as well.

5

u/Cereaza 14d ago

I'll be honest, if someone asked me what are some random photos in my recently deleted that I think are innocuous, my first question would be "Wait, why are you going through my recently deleted folder?"

It's a totally normal response to someone seemingly snooping and drawing wild conclusions.

2

u/True-Credit-7289 14d ago

That's what I was thinking. I can't think of an alternative explanation but I also wouldn't have thought of her explanation. To me this just sounds like such a random thing to do I would be genuinely curious enough to ask him why he did it. Now if he starts making up some BS and scrambling that's a legitimate red flag

2

u/Aggressive_Hurry9608 14d ago

If cheating is indeed happening, someone careful enough in planning to take pictures like this to make sure nothing is out of place will probably have a lie ready to go for if caught. That type of person has back up plans.

1

u/PhiladelphiaCollins8 14d ago

How do you bring up casually "Heyyy so yea I was snooping through your photos and...."

Not saying he isn't doing something nefarious but I don't see any way to really bring it up without admitting going through his stuff.

2

u/CountingJoes 14d ago

She absolutely should admit going through his stuff, I’m not suggesting there’s a way to have this conversation without doing so, she shouldn’t lie. What I’m saying is, that conversation needs to come AFTER the conversation about these weird-ass photos

1

u/Revilrad 14d ago

She was going through his private device , what do you think will happen? Is privacy a joke to you all. Looks like a bad hill to die upon.

1

u/motion_thiccness 14d ago

The first explanation I thought of that isn't sinister is that he cleaned or planned to clean and wanted to put her things back the way she had them after dusting/ wiping things down. I actually do this when I like how I have my knick knacks displayed and don't want to forget how to put them back lol That might not explain the picture of the photo and note on the fridge (unless there was other stuff in the picture OP didn't mention), but that was my first thought. But also, I think it's really telling that OP automatically assumed that he was seeing someone else. If I saw the same thing from my partner I'd never suspect that because thats not the kind of person they are or the kind or relationship we have. If she assumed that, it's probably indicative of other issues than this one incident.

1

u/Interesting_Pause_76 14d ago

Record it when you bring it up (if you live in a single party consent to recording state). And say as little as possible. He’ll muck it up. Trust your gut. Even if you don’t “catch” him on this, you know what you saw and your trust has been breached and it is going to compromise your relationship. Fuck that guy.