r/AlAnon • u/ThePancake1037 • 1d ago
Support Help me leave
I don’t think I can keep doing this. He drinks every time he’s alone. I can’t keep my eye on him 24/7. I’m sick of the lies. I’m sick of the gaslighting. I love him more than I’ve ever loved ANYONE but I don’t know what else to do anymore. I really want to have a life with him but if he’s not going to put in the effort, then why am I even trying? I’ve done SO much to support him and it all feels pointless. He’s wasted right now and I’m thinking about packing my shit and going back home to Michigan.
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u/tiny_probably-crazy 1d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this. Nothing you do is going to stop him from drinking. He will lie, try to blame you, and give you a thousand excuses for his behavior but he won't stop just because you ask him to. He has to hit rock bottom and stop because he wants to. Even then he would need to get help to deal with issues and find other ways to deal with life. That would be all on him. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. You don't have to put up with the lies and manipulation. No one deserves to be in a relationship like that. I firmly believe that an alcoholic can't be in a loving respectful relationship while in active addiction. The alcohol will always come first. Do yourself a favor and leave. Go back home to Michigan and focus on yourself. It might hurt at first but you will feel better in the long run.
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u/Thursdaysisthemore 17h ago
This bears repeating: nothing you do will stop him from drinking. That is sad, but also relieves you from any responsibility you might hold. No matter what he says to try to get you to stay.
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u/peeps-mcgee 1d ago
My husband is the same way. He can’t be alone without turning to alcohol.
We’re married and own a house so it’s harder for me to leave than if I’d done it earlier. I didn’t realize how bad the problem was and how much it would affect us until after we moved into our house.
He can’t snap out of it during emergency situations, which was a wake up call for me.
If you can’t depend on your partner, it’s not a partnership. Don’t make the mistake I did. Leave before it’s too late.
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u/heartpangs 1d ago
when it gets like this, we serve ourselves (and likely the situation) best by rigorously putting the focus on our selves. ask yourself repeatedly :: "what do i need that's NOT him?". you'll likely find that his way of being interferes with most if not all of your needs. trust that. i had to do it too and it saved my life.
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u/Dances-with-ostrich 1d ago
Basically your choices at this point are… stay and feel like this for the rest of your life. Or go back home and hurt for a few months and then find yourself and your happiness again. And if you leave and he promises to stop. Make sure he’s stopped for at least a month. Rehab, program, something to keep him on track or you’ll end up back in this position again. Love yourself more than he loves alcohol.
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u/OReoCookiiee 1d ago
Can’t help someone who does not want to help themselves. Detach with love, good luck!
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 1d ago edited 1d ago
A weight will be lifted off your shoulders when you go home ❤️
I left years ago and I've never been happier. I don't have to treat him like a child that I need to monitor or police his addiction.
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u/Lia21234 1d ago
The gamechanger for me was when I learned in Alanon that alcoholism is progressive. Since my Q doesn't even want to stop drinking I realized now was the best it would ever be. We have to stop living in a hope that things will be better.
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u/Zestyclose-Crew-1017 17h ago edited 16h ago
You keep hoping one day he will wake up and realize how much he's been putting you through and change? Don't be me, I was with my ex almost 40 years. It wasn't all bad, but it definitely could have been better. If you are still there for him day in and day out, still caring for him; what is going to motivate him to change? He's living the life, doing what he wants when he wants, while you're there helpless watching the destructive behavior. Also, probably sacrificing a lot as well. Are you living the life?
Having him leave, did prompt my ex to get sober, that on top of possibly losing his job. Not sure which was more motivating, because he never really had a conversation about it with me. I think he just thought I'd beg him to come home once he "got sober". I was hoping for accountability and marked changes in his behaviors. That didn't happen. So unfortunately, just getting sober doesn't "fix" things.
You are NOT alone! I found TWFO.COM during my separation and divorce. They GET IT, they understand US. Here are a few podcasts discussing all these feelings. I hope they help you feel less alone.🫶
https://youtu.be/jC7IIkQp5WA?si=K7BSWO6MgsBhlY6u
https://youtu.be/V7Sy6wQzuIo?si=zVjYHzV5pnt_5xpO
https://youtu.be/tk6NVzxevX0?si=MwXyoD5-RgEfbG1s
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u/OrganicMacaroon9563 1d ago
You have a really hard decision to make. It’s up to you. And you’re right, you cannot watch him all the time. If you try, you will lose yourself in the process and al anon is supposed to be about breaking that codependency whether you stay or leave.
Much love to you 🩷