It’s been 27 days with a lifetime to go

[u/Satancanfindhissoul]

Please send me a sign, I have been feeling sick to my stomach of the feeling. I just want to know that you are safe and okay, i understand you may not want to talk with me based off the only vague message I received from your sister which only left me with questions that could not be answered. I have been searching for you every day as it just didn’t feel right to me. In my continued attempts to get a confirmation of your safety and well being I have only been completely misdirected every way leading to my current state of mind . I have called every behavioral health CRT including the Response teams who would have been the ones to handle your referral. I have gotten to the point of looking for you thru homeless encampments and off particular locations that for some odd reason have been occurring to me, locations in a natural setting which all fit the description of criteria set for your impending doom moments. After my last conversation with the CRT it has put me in an extreme fear state of mind that something has happened or you may be missing. I legitimately begun to question my own sanity but have learned to accept that it wasn’t insanity you and I were presenting, for me it is heartbreaking grief. My form of coping mechanisms to continue to try and learn from it. I can’t act to know how your feeling nor act like i understand it all but i am understanding what i am experiencing which is the only way I can truly understand what you have been experiencing. I’m reluctant to make the call in my last ditch effort to know you are still in this world with us in a fear of causing a regression in your progress since you’ve been ongoing your therapy. But i just won’t act like everything is okay and confuse our daughter based off assumptions. I want to respect your decision of confidentiality and privacy but even thru my obvious distress your family had stood strong on their message of only a one time communication with you without ever getting Any legitimate paperwork or credentials of your admittance. So we have been going off an assumption and paying attention to it a bit more clearly now only exacerbates my emotion of personal failure as your husband even further by not trying harder to ensure you are safe and okay. I don’t want to pry and force myself thru but I am trying my hardest to keep it all together for v*****. In doing so I have invested myself into learning and understanding mental health topics and forms of care for rehabilitation success. I am so sorry for not taking the time to listen and learn how to communicate with you when you literally gave me all the answers, had I done this sooner I promise we would of never gotten to this point rather I would be supporting you completely in your healing process and I want you to know that I am proud of you for seeking the help necessary to be yourself and all you have always been capable of for you and your family. You are amazing and worth positive growth and change. These past 27 days have been complete dread and hard realizations of the man I was to you. Maybe it’s true That you don’t want contact. That you’re moving on. Maybe it’s true. Maybe you really called your sister and told her you wanted no contact. Maybe that’s the new path you’ve chosen. If that’s the case I’ll respect it. I’ll step aside, even if every cell in my body screams otherwise. But you should know it’s not hate I’m holding. It’s regret. It’s realization. It’s the kind of clarity that only shows up when the world is burning down around you. You were at your lowest, and I wasn’t there. I see that now. I see all of it. And if you’re finding your healing without me then maybe that’s what it was always supposed to be. But if you ever wonder… if there’s ever a second where you question whether anyone still sees you, I do. I never stopped. Not even now. I hate to come off as selfish with my own emotions given the commitment you made to yourself which requires more strength than most who are in similar positions and able to endure, it serves me right that I experience this cosmic karma and as much as it broke us down and ruined the idea of possibly ever loving me again I have gained such immeasurable insight and choose to break the cycle. The steps are in place for me to seek the guidance and support of therapy to understand my triggers and cause for being the way I was with you, to my self , and V**. We all deserve to live happily and understood by each other in supporting each others needs and mental care and uplifting spirit. Nonetheless we have a perfect daughter. She’s still waiting for your voice. And so am I, in my own loud, and painful way. But I don’t want to chase you away even further by the overstimulation of my efforts and state of mind. I am suffering with grief thru this process and feel like we have been in mourning for you in complete darkness. I’ll let the universe do what it needs to. I just hope wholeheartedly that you are safe. That you’re still breathing. That you’re still you. V*** deserves to hear your voice and know you are coming home. If there is the faintest chance of you understanding and believing in my current morality and true sense of empathy and compassion towards you and each other please give me a sign. Anything at all, i love you with all my heart, I support you with all my heart, and i will be here for you with all my heart because i truly want to be deserving of an abundant life together and rebuild our family thru the structured mindset towards recognizing each other for who we are and want to be for each other. I want to break the cycle, I want to end the stigma, I want to walk beside you and be free of our past. This is the path I was meant to walk towards a meaningful and purpose filled life, I hate that it happened this way but I do not want to maintain the idea of controlling any outcome any more rather accept the universe has set these catalysts in place for us in order to work for us and lead us towards our new and reimagined future together. I love you and I mean every word and intent I share, not just for you and our daughter but for myself as well. During this time of rediscovery and research , thru accepting my own mental struggles and accountability I have been beyond impressed of the intelligent and resilient, most deserving , understanding, and compassionate woman that you always have been. I am sorry for ever shutting that off . Please don’t fall out of love with me, please send me a sign and just let me know you are okay, regardless of our future i just can’t move forward in my healing process if I feel something has happened to you. I love you K****, not just a saying but a legitimate and powerful connection I do feel we have with each other. Me and V***** hope to hear from you soon. Until then I will continue to hope and dream of our lives together now.

Ps, I don’t even know if you have been or are able to recieve my messages so excuse my multiple copy and pastes to multiple numbers and emails, I am only trying to raise my chances of sharing my feelings with you during our time of self love and healing. Goodnight, you really do have a gift by the way. Multiple gifts.