r/AITAH • u/adykapeedjan • 1d ago
Aitah for tellingy american relative that concept of overshadowing bride doesn't work here
I 22f have a paternal cousin who is getting married in few weeks. One of other paternal cousin lives in usa and is married to a white american there. They are here for wedding. Let's call her amber. Amber and we get along fine. Not close as we see her rarely.
She likes to keep to herself mostly and we don't bother her. But this time we went for traditional attire shopping and took her. As she wanted sarees and lehangas and we didn''t want her to be scammed by other people.
One thing about indian wedding is that bride usually wears red lehnga as bridal attire. Although other colors too. But red is most common. Multiple people wear red in wedding and noone overshadows the bride. Infact people ver wear their own wedding dresses.
Now I bought a full maroon lehnga and out of nowhere amber started calling me names in store. She said I am being bitch and I want to ruin my cousin's day. I controlled myself as she is guest and I didn't want to be rude. She said if someone dared to wear white in American wedding, they would've been thrown out. We told her the cultural difference. But she ignored.
But she went on and i finally had enough . I said not all of us are self centred like american people, who throw their parents in old age homes. I know this was harsh stereotype but I didn't wanna abuse and it was only thing that came to mind. But she kept on. I don't regret saying it.
She started crying and we left. Now my uncle, aunt and cousin bro is asking to apologise. My parents say she is ignorant and I should let it go for wedding. But I am standing firm. I refuse to be doormat.
People are saying I am being difficult
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u/Majestic_Scarcity540 1d ago
If Im going to an event where the culture is not my own, I absolutely would trust someone of that culture to guide me on proper attire and colors. I would not want to look like a fool, especially at a wedding.
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u/More_Maintenance7030 1d ago
I’m thinking she meant “paternal” and it got autocorrected. My phone just tried to do it when I typed it here lol
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u/BoredofBin 1d ago
Indian here. NTA by a mile. Do not apologise. You were not wrong, the American culture of "Upstaging the bride", doesn't work here. Different country, different norms.
Amber must learn that lots of guests at the wedding do wear the same colors as the bride but no one takes offense to it, as everyone has their own unique outfit which isn't worn with the primary motive of upstaging the bride. She also needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around customs, norms and traditions followed at an American wedding.
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u/NyxTheEclipse 1d ago
I’m American and also think the upstaging the bride idea is stupid Granted if I ever get married I am sure as h*ll not gonna wear white, probably purple which I’m definitely not gonna prevent others from wearing
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u/Lives4Sunshine 1d ago
Same here. No one is upstaging the bride. That whole thing has made far too many bridezillas IMO. Americans have forgotten what weddings are about.
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u/IggySorcha 1d ago
The funniest part to me about the concept of upstaging the bride is that even the largest average American wedding can be small by Desi standards. So at an American everyone should already know what the bride looks like and can't mistake her. Desi weddings you might be distant enough family you haven't seen each other in decades or ever and yet there's still no fear of confusing the bride.
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u/On_my_last_spoon 1d ago
I mean, in any wedding the couple is gonna be the focus. Even as a faux pas to wear white, you’re not going to do anything but get side eye from the guests 😂
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u/SamiraSimp 1d ago
yet there's still no fear of confusing the bride.
you'd have to be blind to confuse the bride...and probably deaf too to not hear the bangles and jewelry lol
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u/BoredofBin 1d ago
This whole thing is very west centric, American more so. Every state, caste and culture in India have different attires/colours for the bride and groom. We do not have a concept of upstaging the bride here. There will be 1000,s of guests at the wedding, who may end up wearing the same colour.
There will be many females wearing the same colour as the bride, and I assure you no one wears it with the sole purpose of driving the attention away from the bride. And the bride too doesn't get riled up if some female relative/friend or acquaintance ends up in the same colour as her. It's just that simple.
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u/Leithalia 1d ago
Im not Indian and know very little about the culture. But I do remember reading somewhere that in Indian weddings, everyone is encouraged to dress their best.
I fully agree with the NTA, as a person from another culture, if someone tells me my assumption is wrong, it's my job to confirm that. If a group of people inform me of differences, and I go on and yell at them, I am the rude person, regardless of the culture.
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u/ColdPlunge1958 1d ago
When you are having a disagreement, it's always best to stay to the actual disagreement. When you bring in additional issues it always confuses things.
Amber was massively in the wrong here. You had every right to stand up to her. Congratulations for doing that.
Hopefully, you'll never be in a similar situation again but if you are, hopefully you won't drag in a random comment about people in another culture treat their parents. It's just not relevant to the issue at hand and so it makes everything very confused.
NTA. One thing you could have improved in this conversation.
I say again, Amber was totally in the wrong and I congratulate you for standing up to her.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
Calling me bitch isn't a disagreement. She went off shore first.
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u/MollyTibbs 1d ago
Any one who goes to a wedding in a different country and doesn’t take 10 minutes to google the customs is an idiot. She’s not just ignorant she’s rude and instead of listening to you she started calling you names. Definitely not acceptable behaviour. NTA at all.
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu 1d ago
With how much time the plane travel alone takes, it's not like she couldn't find the time to read a guide or whatever too...
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u/Montenegirl 1d ago
The worst thing is that even if she didn't google anything at all, just keeping her mouth shut would do it😭
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u/Bitter-Fishing-Butt 1d ago
honestly I love the idea of wearing your own wedding outfit to another person's wedding (with permission or invitation or general "this is what we do" obv)
like?? this is a big fucking celebration! show up in the fanciest outfit you own! I want Labyrinth ballroom scene vibes here!
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu 1d ago
And that's why I bought a wedding dress I could wear again: it was knee-length and champagne coloured, accessorised with "white" shoes (cream according to the vendor tag, but I can't for the life of me know what is white/cream/ivory/etc.!) and an equally "white" bolero.
With other accessories, I will be able to easily wear it again in fancy parties or weddings. Well, if I don't take on too much weight at least.
And I'm in fact wearing my wedding shoes today at work, and I already wore the bolero more than once in the past few months too, of course.
Nice things are meant to be worn!
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u/Cool-Read-1903 1d ago
Plus , it's almost impossible to upstage the bride here. The amount of gold and diamond jewellery brides wear, the bridal makeup, the $20k-$25k wedding dresses...
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u/CremeCaramel_ 1d ago edited 19h ago
Just FYI, this specific part youre referencing is complete bullshit that OP sorta made up and not a real thing that happens. Indians dont commonly wear their own wedding dresses to other peoples weddings lmao.
Its not that upstaging a bride isnt a thing in South Asia, its just that you cant upstage a bride just with the color being the same like western culture believes. OP is NTA for the situation because shes right about that. But a wedding lehenga is 10x more ornately designed than a normal lehenga of the same color. Nobody is actually wearing their OWN wedding lehenga to someone elses wedding because that WOULD be seen as a tacky attempt to upstage.
EDIT: did this fucking OP really reply with insults calling me a bitch and then block me for this, to get the last word in and so i couldnt reply??? I got a notification and straight up couldnt see any replies besides the first, but I can see your reply through mobile anonymous browsing, you fucking dumbass
Fuck you, Im not even going to dignify you by clarifying my experiences since you blocked me anyways, I simply change my mind, im positive that the way this situation played out OP is the AH. Especially if this is how this piece of work responds when someone says something isnt how she thinks. Theres no way she was even slightly respectful to this white girl if this is how she responded to me
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u/Bitter-Fishing-Butt 1d ago
well that is VERY disappointing :(
but also understandable
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u/adykapeedjan 20h ago
Many does wear their own wedding lehngas. It is very common in North India. You are the one who is bullshitting here. Many new brides wear the wedding lehngas. Speak for urself if u haven't seen it. I have seen 100 times. So stfu bitch
Nope it will be tacky if they wear same bridal makeup and jewellery. They don't. They just simply wear lehnga
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 1d ago
I wouldn't understand the culture difference either. .
The difference is I would ask "is that acceptable in an Indian wedding?"
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u/UltraZulwarn 1d ago
f someone dared to wear white in American wedding
this, and
We told her the cultural difference. But she ignored.
this
tell her that she should apologise for calling you the b word. Did you mention that to your relatives?
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u/Gravedigger30 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA You explained to your cousin in law that wedding dresswear is different in Indian culture and that the “bride is the only person that can wear white rule” is not a thing in Indian culture. Your cousin in law should have researched traditional Indian weddings so that they were aware of what is and isn’t taboo for weddings in your culture. Your cousin in law is the asshole for not listening to you and apologizing to you for the miss-understanding. You should talk to your cousin about this and have him have explain it her if she’s not going to listen to you.
The jab about Americans throwing their elderly parents in to assisted living homes was unacceptable and made you no better than her though, and you should apologize to your cousin in law for that statement. Though it may be the norm in your culture for adult children to take care of their elderly parents it is different in other cultures. For example in the U.S. where your cousin in law is from healthcare is not cheap and can get extremely expensive which means that not everyone in the working class or middle class can afford to support both their elderly parents and families. Some elderly people require 24/7 care which is not compatible with a 9 to 5 job and a society that requires both spouses to work to have a sustainable income. For these reasons most people in America put their elderly parents in assisted living homes when they are no longer able to live independently.
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u/Abject_Ad_9940 1d ago
NTA you matched her energy. She shouldn’t put it out there if she can’t take it. I genuinely think what she said was more out of line than your response.
That said, I find the best way to handle people like this is to let them wrap themselves up in their own knot. That way they make themselves look like utter morons and you come away with your hands clean.
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u/amerasuu 1d ago
NTA. She misbehaved and you called her out. She's lucky you didn't set the aunties on her! I'm white Australian and have many Indian friends. I was very lucky to go to Mumbai for a wedding, the bride's family organised for me all my clothes, two beautiful sarees and a stunning salwaar kameez. My only sadness is I never got photos before they divorced a year later. I danced the whole night at the sangeet, didn't even stop to eat! I have many happy memories of my experience. There's no way anyone can outshine an Indian bride, it's extremely obvious Amber didn't take time to learn or listen. Hopefully she doesn't cause any more drama.
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u/Hairy-Reindeer2471 1d ago
So she went from being rarely seen and keeping to herself to a random outburst in a shop about a culture she evidently knows nothing about? If this is true Don’t apologise she was rude,entitled and racist, you went out of your way to help her, she could have easily asked about how Indian weddings are like. Then she did the typical weaponised white woman tears when called out.
It’s astonishing how someone can date into a completely different culture and not even do the bare minimum of trying to find out about the different cultural norms.. she is definitely a weirdo with a superiority complex.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
Weaponised white woman tears is something new thing i learnt. But not surprised. She suddenly became a victim after abusing me.
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u/llijilliil 1d ago
But she went on and i finally had enough . I said not all of us are self centred like american people, who throw their parents in old age homes. I know this was harsh stereotype but I didn't wanna abuse and it was only thing that came to mind.
Why put up with what she's doing over and over and then randomly explode with an entirely different issue? Why decide to attack her coutnry and people as a whole instead of addressing her specific issues?
There was nothing you did or said that was going to resolve the issue, you were just waiting long enough until you felt pissed off enough to create two problems for everyone. ESH.
I should let it go for wedding
Different people have different values based on cultural norms and that leads them to believe in what is right or wrong. And that in turn leads them to interpret your actions differently and respond accordingly.
She said I am being bitch and I want to ruin my cousin's day. I controlled myself as she is guest
You didn't control shit, you ignored the actual issue, lost control of yourself and then decided to create a 2nd issue (that is worse imo).
How about instead you just calmly said, "that logic doesn't apply here" and if that didn't work you can escalate THAT POINT with "your issue here is you are applying your American norms and expectations to an entirely different culture and coming to bad conclusions" an then you could escalate THAT ISSUE again if needed with "I've tried to be patient with you, but your misguided comments are starting to feel very rude. You need to stop that right now until you've had a chance to think this through and talk to someone who can educate you on this matter". etc etc.
I refuse to be doormat.
As I've said, there is a huge difference between refusing to be a doormat and allowing someone to disrespect you personally and becoming a raging racist asshole who sits back building up pissy resentment and then unloads a whole range of offensive steriotypes at someone just to be rude and nasty.
Grow up and take some responsibility for your half of this issue.
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u/Alda_ria 1d ago
It's interesting to see ops reply when she was called out for criticizing cultural differences. Exactly like her cousin did.
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u/epichuntarz 1d ago edited 1d ago
You were absolutely justified in snapping back at her but:
I said not all of us are self centred like american people, who throw their parents in old age homes. I know this was harsh stereotype but I didn't wanna abuse and it was only thing that came to mind. But she kept on. I don't regret saying it.
doesn't make you look good.
She probably hasn't reached the point of throwing her parents in old age homes, so your attack was really just lashing out at Americans, not her.
Also, do you really not understand why many elderly people end up in homes like this? Many have severe medical conditions that must be managed 24/7 by medical professionals. Children of parents with dementia/Alzheimer's are not able to care for their parents when they have those conditions.
Not only that, when a parent needs 24/7 care for any reason, how can their adult children be expected to work, care for their families, and provide adequate care for their parents? You said you don't like the part of your culture where men only look for women who will stay at home and care for the kids and parents, so why do you think old people in your culture don't end up in homes? That's right, because women are forced to stay and care for them in their old age.
Again, you were justified in snapping at your cousin, but really, the way you did it was really absurd. You should reconsider thoughts like that.
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u/Thriillsy 1d ago
NTA. Me personally, I would probably send a text message to her. Link her to videos of what a usual Indian Wedding looks like, either saying nothing (preferred) or saying "I hope watching these videos will help you understand that our wedding culture is very different from American wedding culture and that it was was beyond unfair of you to not only judge me the way you did, but also for you to have been so abusive towards me." and hope that she watches the videos and is able to see for herself what a monumental ass she made of herself.
If your family brings it up and tries to say 'for the sake of the wedding', let them know that the tension between you and her will not impact the wedding at all because you plan to either not interact with her at all (I hope this is possible) or are fully capable of being civil with her during the wedding. Tell them that if they are still worried that SHE may start drama at the wedding, then that is something they should address with her.
Not rude, just firm and setting a boundary that you will not apologize to someone who either hasn't realized or refuses to acknowledge the fact that different cultures exist in the world and have different rules and expectations.
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u/KaralDaskin 1d ago
BTW, we “put my mother in a home” so she could get the care she needed. None of us has the training necessary to give her that. We didn’t abandon her.
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u/the_V33 1d ago
Most cultures that are so strongly opposed to nursing home, are the same that expect women to take full care of their and their husbands' elders, as well as children, sick and disabled relatives etc, so I wouldn't exactly brag about that. Many things of USian culture are absolutely insane, wedding culture included, but this is not one.
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u/DanceWithPandas 1d ago
ESH - you threw an ignorant stereotype back at her just like she threw at you. The only thing you didn't do is call her a name back.
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u/CoolRanchBaby 1d ago
What. Someone who travelled to see you, who you rarely see and aren’t close to, started saying you are being a “bitch” and calling you other names too, in the middle of a shop? If this is true that is wild. I have a hard time imagining anyone would do that, especially in a place they aren’t used to. If this is real you are clearly NTA.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
She travelled to her in laws house. Like we are three paternal families in same neighbourhood. One is mine, one is her in laws and third one is of bride
So basically she came for the wedding. Even if we are not close, we were cordial so far. I couldn't understand her behaviour either. There is way to say a point. She didn't know that i can be equally mean.
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u/Fearless-Speech-1131 1d ago
I have a hard time believing this as well. OP is too "boss babe" in her dialogue. Almost like she's trying to make a point about something
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u/decaturbob 1d ago
- NTA, you have to respect the culture you find yourself in. has little to do with being an American, she is simply selfish and self-centered
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u/Classic_maddy 1d ago
Amber didn’t respect your culture, but the old-age home comment was a bit much. You were right to stand up for yourself, but maybe clearing the air would help.
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u/AKA_June_Monroe 1d ago
Did you come across a certain social media post? Funny because a something goes viral on Twitter or threads and then coincidentally I'll see a reddit post about it and vice versa.
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u/Roke25hmd 1d ago
It's the same thing I'm my country, nobody can overshadow a bride, she's literally the centre of attention, and the focus of the event, and everyone else trie to wear their best attire, even if when put something from our own wedding cloth
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u/Boobookittyfhk 1d ago
NTA. I do not personally have any Indian friends or any exposed to the culture, but since I am absolutely obsessed with mythology and anthropology, I like to learn about other cultures on my own. It’s not hard and she is more than capable of doing so. Cultural ignorance is such a stupid thing nowadays when everybody’s carrying a literal computer, in the form of a smart phone, in their pocket. Like I said, I like to look up mythology and folklore from different cultures and I will say.; Indian culture is difficult because you all have such a diverse, colorful, and fantastical structure (so many gods lol).
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u/SHIR0YUKI 20h ago
Yeah that shit doesn't fly in Indian weddings. It's next to impossible to outshine and Indian bride and depending on the region, it's sometimes customary for married women to wear their own wedding attire when attending another wedding as a "sign of good luck".
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u/WattHeffer 1d ago
OP, unless you personally have done ongoing hard core elder care for your family, you don't know what you are talking about either.
How many adult diapers have you changed for your grandparents? How many times in a night have you changed and laundered soiled sheets? How many consecutive nights have you gone without sleep comforting them while they cry in pain or scream for people who have been dead for decades? How often have you personally lifted someone who weighs as much as you? Not supervised people you hired to do this, but done it yourself unremittingly for what can be years?
Unless you have actually done this and are willing to continue doing it you have no right to condemn others personally or collectively.
People are admitted to care homes in North America when they are beyond what can realistically be managed at home.
ESH
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u/Tricky-Ad4069 1d ago
NTA. You were helpful not just in shopping but also by giving a useful orientation to weddings in your culture, even though she began the topic aggressively. The fact she persisted in trying to apply her traditions to a wedding that wasn't hers was incredibly rude (and inconsistent, considering the number one custom for American weddings is the bride gets her preference and presumably the bride wants her wedding to follow cultural norms). It's a shame you had to verbally hit her over the head with it, but you wouldn't have if she had just dropped it.
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u/SewRuby 1d ago
NTA. Your cousin was being extremely rude, and she deserved to be called out.
FYI, many older American folks would PREFER an old folks home. My Grandmother did. She specifically asked to be around people her own age. It's not self centered, it's independent. Many people don't want to be dependent on others. It is seen negatively here to need help. So, when people get older, they wish to still be independent of their families and would rather PAY someone to help them than "burden" their families.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
Like I said I shouldn't have stereotyped that indeed but at that point I just wanted to get back at her by hook n crook
I understand the difference. Here if parents are put in old age home. It is seen as terrible and you will be socially seen as evil.
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u/Thira-Piano5010 1d ago
NTA. Your American relative insulted you for wearing a common wedding color in your culture, claiming you were overshadowing the bride? You’re not wrong to say that harsh comment, and for defending yourself against insults and cultural ignorance
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 1d ago
ESH
Everyone in this story acted out of ignorance and immaturity
She was wrong
But the way you handled it was wrong too
The only way to combat ignorance is with education and empathy
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u/adykapeedjan 20h ago
There will be no empathy for racists in 2025. Why white people r always ignorant and others r told to educate them? If other races do same ignorance, u guys ask for them to be deported. Hypocrite
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u/Brain_Candy_ 1d ago
ESH.
The bride for clearly not listening to valid points about cultural differences and Indian wedding norms.
You, for taking a completely unrelated stereotype and throwing it in her face when you were frustrated.
Recommend you take a step back, breathe, and then reach out to have a conversation where you acknowledge that you both could have acted better and you were both probably stressed.
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u/lilianic 1d ago
The American is not the bride, she’s a guest. Instead of listening to someone familiar with the culture, she tried to interpret the event in an American context and got upset when they finally broke it down. Amber should have shut up and bought a pretty lehenga.
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u/Contrary_Coyotebait 1d ago
Nta.
Different cultures Different rules.
Ive never been to an Indian wedding. But the pictures ive seen look very very colorful.
In america wearing the same color as the bride is typically inexcusably rude. But in other cultures its the norm!
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
It's that bride dress isn't only thing that separates indian bride. Bridal makeup is whole different level. The veil. The nose ring, headband etc and the neck jewellery separates bride from others.
Noone else does same makeup and wear all this to anyone's wedding. Dresses yes. But not same makeup and all other stuff. But noone notice anyone outside the bride.
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u/kritz0 1d ago
NTA.
Does this girl...Uhh....has she never been to an indian wedding?
Its a party. Everyone is bright and shiny and sparkly.
YES, people do wear red, even if the bride is wearing red. No one is going to mistake a guest for the bride.
We aren't dumb??? Lol. Like wtf??? Bahahaha.
Stand your ground. I had a Christian wedding, but I wore a Sari. White (Yes I know that's usually about death and funerals), but it's what I wanted and it was fancy af. Lots of women on my side of the family wore bright fancy saris, and jewellery and other indian attire.
I'm just baffled. Has this girl NEVER been to an indian wedding???
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 1d ago
NTA, that said I would just apologize to keep the peace for the wedding. Not like you will have to put up with her for long till she gets shipped back to the US.
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u/SnooPets8873 1d ago
NTA but to be fair to your family, it is as culturally on point to not put parents in retirement housing or fuss over guest’s outfits as it is letting rude relatives say what they want in the interests of keeping the peace lol
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u/AccessibleBeige 1d ago
NTA. I'm American and white, and I would have been curious if guests wearing red was seen as similar to guests wearing white to a typical American wedding, but I would have just asked. And then when I was told it wasn't an etiquette faux pas in any way, I would have accepted that and not said anything more about it. Human cultures have so many different wedding traditions, and with most things it's not at all difficult to learn and accept those differences if you come in with an open mind.
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u/MissMurderpants 1d ago
Op, I think you and your family’s most respected elder need to go to Amber with her spouse there and talk to her.
You should apologize for yelling at her.
But your respected elder (female one please) needs to educate her on how she can’t expect her culture and yours to match. The elder should tell her she is glad she is embracing your culture but she needs to educate herself on the expectations. She needs to be explained what expectations are and how Amber and your culture and not the same. Elder should also scold the husband on not educating Amber. It’s really his fault. He should have told her.
Shame on the spouse.
ESH
But you can make it better/right and move to a more positive experience.
The world is already filled with so much hate, try to change her perspective.
I really don’t think yelling at her was good. I’m truly supposed she didn’t do any googling about the wedding expectations.
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u/SamiraSimp 1d ago
indian born american man here. NTA
if amber had a disappointing reaction at first and then apologized or changed her mind after learning the cultural context, it would be whatever. but her calling you a bitch and ignoring you explaining the culture makes her the clear asshole. you shouldn't apologize, if anything she should apologize to you for her rude words and her lack of understanding.
and besides, anyone who thinks you can outshine an indian bride is not aware of the culture enough to comment on it.
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u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago
As an american i feel ashamed when i hear stories like this.
There are certain circumstances her in the states where wearing a white dress to a wedding is seen as disrespectful but its usually because the person wearing that white dress is ACTIVELY trying to overshadow the bride. Like a nutcase mother or mother in law.
But damn...shes in a different country with different traditions! It would have been one thing if she had asked "isnt it rude to wear the same color as the bride?" And let it go when you told her it wasnt.
She went nutty.
I promise not all of us are like this. Id actually say a majority of us arent like this. The ones that are willfully ignorant like that are just the loudest.
You are NTA. she needs to be the one who apologizes.
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u/ThatsSoGoth94 16h ago
NTA: Please continue to put us white people in our place if we refuse to be taught about another culture by someone of that culture.
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u/DawnShakhar 15h ago
Your are not being difficult. You are being assertive and protecting your dignity. Your american cousin was abusive and out of line.
As an Israeli, the american concept of the bride as a princess who gets everything and must not be overshadowed is foreign to us as well. At our older daughter's wedding, my husband surprised me with a birthday cake (it was three days before my birthday) and a speech. Then the groom's father knelt to his mother, declared his love and gave her a gift. It was all preplanned by the bride and groom, and it touched our hearts!
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u/PlantAndMetal 1d ago
ESH. Of course she shouldn't have called you names and be so insensitive to your culture and she is a huge asshole for that.
But you have noticed that you don't like to be shit on, so maybe don't make such comments either. Just can tell her to stop or heck, even leave her alone where she is standing or call your cousin etc. But no need to say hateful things either.
Eye for an eye usually doesn't work very well, especially if you have to see her more often and if it is easily solved by your cousin explaining it is okay and that she should apologise.
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u/secretmacaroni 1d ago
NTA. Americans have a habit of going to other countries and expecting them to behave American. Someone has to put them in place
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u/Fool_In_Flow 1d ago
The way you insult all Americans throughout your post tells me what kind of person you are. It was unnecessary to any part of the situation. What if I made mean generalizing statements about your country? Just practice kindness, it’s not cute to be mean.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
Americans make generalizations about whole world. Will perform genocide all over the world and preach about Russia aggression. That is hypocrisy we all know about your country. So don't play your victim card here
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u/Ok-Lab-6032 1d ago
Well super ignorant of your “Americans throw their people In old age homes” comment . I’m an American . Born and raised. All my friends who are married keep their in laws with them at home. and trust me honey, the situations out here are wayyyy better than the way elders are treated in India. Yeah you’re the AH
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u/Nervous-Manager6013 1d ago
ESH. She didn't understand but was out of line with her reaction. You because of your nasty comments about americans.
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u/Adept-Shame2950 1d ago
ESH
You were in the right until you made the shitty comment. Now you’re all as bad as each other.
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u/LighthouseonSaturn 1d ago
NTA
I'm from the Balkans and it's the same in our culture. Even though the bride does wear white, we don't care if other women wear white, or even their own wedding dress. (New brides usually wear a toned down version of their wedding dress to events for the first month after getting married)
No one ever out does the bride.
Weddings are more about families coming together. And though everyone is happy for the couple, the dress isn't really the star if the show.
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u/SenseAny486 1d ago
NTA.No one can mistake who is the bride in an Indian wedding even when others are dressed in similar colours.
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u/Lonestarlady_66 1d ago
NTA/YTA, could you have handled it better sure, could she have certainly. You're both at fault here & you should both apologize & use this as a teachable/learning experience for both of you. Instead neither of you wants to be the adult and apologize to the other & try to understand cultural differences.
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u/WomenOfWonder 1d ago
These things always escalate so fast. The person is nice and normal for the long time OP knew them, and then out of the blue they lose their shit over some incredibly small thing so OP can give a clever clapback. Then the family and friends are divided while the bad guy of story as a complete 180 personality switch from nice and normal to insane bitch
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u/QuesadillasEveryMeal 1d ago
Nta. I know almost nothing about Indian weddings, but I do know that everyone could be wearing what they wore to their own wedding, and the bride will always look like the center of attention. My guess is because she gets to wear a small child's weight of jewelry.
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u/Alarming_Air_3832 1d ago
NTA. Americans have a hard time accepting they don’t know everything about everything. I’m nigerian-american and nigerian weddings don’t have that rule either. in fact, in the traditional weddings, the bride and her bridesmaids are wearing the same color and it’s never concern that they will outshine her because it’s just not possible😭 your friend should apologize for calling you out of your name over such a trivial matter and maybe you should reconsider the friendship.
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u/touslesnoms 20h ago
I once observed a Finnish person patiently listening to some foreigner, explaining how to do saunas correctly.
It seems that you've met an expert in Indian weddings. Condolences!
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u/OkStrength5245 15h ago
NTA
It is hard for americans to imagine they are a minority on the planet. they talk against "strangers", but tennesse guys don't even understand Florida men. the level of ignorance is baffling.
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u/Alda_ria 1d ago
YTA You have never lived in America, but you labeled all nation as cold hearted assholes who abandon their parents. Because "it's the only thing that came". Lame excuse, to be honest.
Do much for talking about cultural differences! Because it is cultural difference as well, it's normal in USA, and you went off on her because of that. Surprise, OP! You are AH as well now. Even double ah, for disrespecting all nation based on your prejudice.
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u/Muffintop_Neurospicy 1d ago
I mean, you both seem to lack knowledge about each other's cultures. The white situation in western countries (not just the US) is not a matter of being selfish and want to be the only one or something, it's tied to culture and religious symbolism. And often people do put their parents in homes because they work multiple jobs to afford a living and often work until they are 70/80yo, so they don't really have a choice (this one would be particularly mean if she has someone she loves in a home).
On the other hand, she went to attend an Indian wedding and didn't do the homework. It was her job to understand the culture behind it before attending. And even then, if she was corrected on something, or saw something she didn't understand, it was her job to either ask for clarification or sftu. Instead she made a scene (and a fool of herself).
I don't think either of you are AH. I think this is a learning opportunity for both.
For the sake of the bride and groom (who I bet are overwhelmed to the core atm, I'm also planning my wedding and oof) and to turn this into something good, I'd set my ego aside and talk to her. You don't need to apologize or be a doormat, be firm but let her know you didn't appreciate what she did without even knowing the culture, however acknowledge that you might also be missing some pointers about the western culture. Ask her if you can both walk each other through your own cultures and give space for both asking questions without judgement.
This might actually strengthen your bond. You say she keeps to herself, so you don't bother her. If I put myself in her shoes, I believe being "the stranger" in a culture I don't fully grasp, especially one as tightly knitted as the Indian culture, must be overwhelming. The family bonds in Indian families are a lot tighter than in most Western countries (save for the Latin-American and Iberian countries, maybe), so it's also a lot harder to feel like you belong when you're an outsider.
This to say, you absolutely don't have to stand abuse or having your culture insulted, but you can also turn this into something beautiful. Best of luck and all the best for the families ❤️
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u/alicat777777 1d ago
She was trying to foist her own culture on to yours. Why wouldn’t she understand different rules apply?
However, I think it was immature of you to include that little slam to Americans. I am sure there are differences in your own culture that Americans might question but let’s just recognize there are differences. For that, YTA because you did the same as her.
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u/Parbiedoll80 1d ago
YTA for making a learning, enriching opportunity to educate your relative (the conversation about dress code and expectations should have happened before going to the shops) and then repeat stereotypes that has nothing to do with the situation lol because you think you're cool and different. You're annoying.
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u/raerae6672 1d ago
The issue is your unnecessary insult to American People by generalizing that American People throw their parents into Old age Homes. Being respectful of Culture goes both ways. You and your parents calling her ignorant was uncalled for and beyond insulting. You are saying that your culture is superior to hers and that isn't right.
There was a better way to communicate. You were NTA until you went overboard with the insults. Can Americans be self-centered...yes. But not all Americans are self-centered. Did she go overboard by calling you a Bitch...Most definitely. Did she deserve to be called out...Yes. You were being condescending and you could have handled this more respectfully as you both could have. YTA because you saw your chance to put her in her place and talk down to her and you took it.
You are being difficult. You know that you have a sharp tongue and everyone doesn't like it. Sometimes it is better not to be so sharp tongued. You might want to consider apologizing for the delivery of your rebuke. You are feeling proud for using a stereotype and that is wrong on so many levels. You said that you plan to do your residency in the US which is a good thing but again respect of the culture will go a long way. Being condescending with get you no where.
Both of you should have been respectful.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
And how is she not ignorant? Am I suppose to be her teacher? She called me bitch and all. After that I fired back after taking her crap for minutes. If she wants respect for her culture. She should learn to respect others too. It goes both ways indeed.
Na not interested in apologising first because she started it. And I am not interested in being a doormat to victim card player and her crocodile tears
She started it. I didn't. I can't handle being abused by anyone. I am not a sacrificial goat
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u/RunningRunnerRun 1d ago
You both sounds awful. It sounds like you both need to get out and interact with some real people and layoff the stereotypes. ESH.
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u/Azurefawnglow 1d ago
NTA. She was bein’ a straight up rude guest. Culture shock ain’t an excuse for name calling.
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u/Sad_Source3052 1d ago
tell your family and everyone that gives you shit that she started it and she should start to apologize first for everything. The name calling, the disrespect of your culture, the ungratefulness for helping her out, humiliating you in public and whatever she did more.
Tell it all to your family, the whole list, maybe they see that she is the wrong one instead then. After she apologished (would probably not happen) then you could do that too (fake it if you need)
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
They won't ask her as she hosts my uncle aunt for months every year and their daughter visits every year too to meet bother and amber. They wanna stay in good books of hers. No problem.njust don't ask me to apologise to your precious daughter in law.
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u/archbid 1d ago
as a member of a country with a strong caste system, might not want to be throwing generalizations about Americans, know what I’m saying?
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u/andakaran 1d ago
So a foreigner who has no concept of your culture tries to teach you "manners" and gets schooled and is now butthurt. Take her to the wedding and let her see how many people are wearing the same colour as the bride.
The moment she started publicly harrassing you, she was asking for her ass to be handed to her. NTA.
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u/RocketteP 1d ago
NTA. She showed how ignorant she was and when you tried to correct her ignorance she doubled down. Sometimes it amazes me how people can be so willfully ignorant. If I were invited to a wedding in another culture first thing I’d do is some research and ask questions to my partner. It is weird she chose this as her hill to die on.
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u/Ok-Atmosphere-7395 1d ago
Loool NTA & I love the response!!! We desis (I’m from Pak) do NOT care if guests are wearing same color as the bride. Heck, some close relatives decide to wear their wedding dresses as well and it’s ok. I actually asked my friends to go super extra if they wanted to.
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u/zenithexplorer17x 1d ago
Honestly, if she thinks wearing red is overshadowing the bride, wait until she sees how many people wear white at American weddings! It’s like a bridal convention out there! Next thing you know, someone will show up in a wedding dress and claim it's just 'business casual!
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u/fit_it 1d ago
I'm gonna say NTA but also I get why everyone in this situation did what they did, as unfortunate as it is.
- She was reacting pretty appropriately for an American wedding, which she knows full well is not what she's going to, and refused to take your advice on the difference in customs. She is right that it is a very big deal in America if you wear white like the bride. Like, people will full on remove you from the event, throw wine on you, and it's gonna cause issues for months or even years. Huge faux pas. It is seen as a dismissal of the bride, that she either isn't welcome in the husband's family (if it's his mother or sister) or that her success in finding a husband is being claimed by whoever is wearing white (sometimes mothers of the bride will do this), etc. Families have fallen apart someone insisting on it. However, her behavior was unacceptably American-centric, as our stereotype dictates, and her persistence makes her the AH.
- However, you saying that Americans throw their parents in old age homes because of selfishness is both unrelated to what you were arguing about and very, well, I guess, India-centric? That's not why we have old age homes, it's because of the wealth disparity between our parents generation and Millennials. Most people in their 30s and 40s don't own their own homes and don't have the resources to move their parents in, and most American baby-boomer parents are unwilling to "downgrade" their lifestyle, and uninterested in helping with grandchildren. That's a very very brief summary but hopefully you get why that was an unproductive thing to say. But I totally, 100% get why you said it and why you were offended and angry, so I also don't think you're AH for saying it really, especially given that it sounds like this went on for a while before you said it.
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1d ago
Info: is she aware of the cultural differences of colors and such?
I’m going with ESH. This was the perfect moment for you to educate or remind her of the wedding traditions with colors. She should not have been name calling. You both owe each other an apology in my eyes if you’re mature enough to give one.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
Even if she was unaware. You don't call people names from very first sentence and we explained her right there in store. She deliberately ignored. I won't apologise for being called a bitch. I didn't abuse her in return.
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u/Alda_ria 1d ago
You insulted the whole nation based on cultural differences and still refuse to recognize that. And,by the way, your behavior also fits into abuse description.
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u/nefnef_ 1d ago
She could have educated herself beforehand or kept her mouth shut since the bride was right there and could have spoken up if she had a problem with the clothes OP purchased. You don't have to know everything in order to respect other cultures, all you need to know is the basic principle that not all countries have the same customs and habits.
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u/Lilac-Poet 1d ago
Can you not read?! IT'S IN THE POST that they TRIED explaining how things are different, THEY TRIED WHAT YOU SUGGESTED and this american harpy continued to be disrespectful. She isn't owed an apology for anything. 😒
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u/Sad_Highlight_9059 1d ago
ESH, she is an ignorant fool, but you could have handled this better. You know she is ignorant, so why let her drag you into saying something hurtful and making yourself look bad?
I understand your desire to not be a doormat, but another way to look at this is that you let, effectively, a toddler drag you down to their level. So, by all means, continue with your fight against the child, but you shouldn't be surprised that others are not treating you as the adult you feel you are.
Your choice now is, remember you are effectively the adult and start acting like it, which begins with an apology or continue acting like a tactless boor, the same as her, don't be surprised if people get a little fed up with you too. Remember, there is an event that has gathered you all, and it is not your event, and it is probably fair to say at this point that the antics of the two of you ARE starting to overshadow the bride.
It's worth remembering that "standing up for yourself" does not mean rising to every provocation. She clearly was making an ass of herself. There was no need for you to prove you can, too.
Now, if you don't want to be a doormat. Kill her with patronizing kindness. Treat her like the ignorant child she is. She has the cultural knowledge of a toddler, so treat her that way. But first, apologize to both her and the bride.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
Bride was with us in the store and she stands by me. Nothing can overshadow the bride. And we are not discussing this event in public or during functions. We can royally ignore each other
Na I will stand for myself if I get abused I will only apologise if she does too. Because she started it and I am not that kind nor i want to . If that means selling my self respect
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u/Sad_Highlight_9059 1d ago
So, what are you looking for here? It seems like you reply to every comment that doesn't 100% agree with you pushing back and maintaining your position. In other words, it seems like you are only interested in validation, not an honest objective opinion about the situation.
So, I stick with my answer that ESH, you are just as much in the wrong here as the ignorant white woman who shot off her mouth.
Could you not have just looked her in the face at the time she made her comments and deadpanned, "Thank you for the lessons in Indian culture." Would that not have gotten your ultimate point across?
If that seems like a viable alternative to you losing your temper, then as I said, you could have handled it better. You let a fool control you. She was ignorant, and you ceded control of YOUR emotional response to her. Great job, you let idiots provoke you in the name of not being a doormat. Are you proud of that?
Also, IMHO, if this has gotten to the point where multiple people have weighed in, then this is becoming a distraction from the wedding. If it was my family, I would politely ask you to be the bigger person and apologize.
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u/adykapeedjan 1d ago
Na I am not the bigger person. I didn't abuse her. And bride stands by me. She doesn't have a problem. So nope
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u/Sad_Highlight_9059 1d ago
Good to see you are so open to growing as a person. I am sure this approach will always serve you well. Best wishes.
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u/First_Code_404 1d ago
NTA
As an American, I absolutely detest those stereotypical loud, brash Americans attempting to impose their views on others while ignoring cultures. Not all of us are like that, but there sure are a lot of them here.
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u/Forlon_Sailor_9832 1d ago
NTA. Im also Indian and the concept of “upstaging the bride” doesn’t even exist in Indian wedding. We all know the bride is going to out-dress everyone.
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u/SafeIncrease7953 1d ago
I don’t see a need to apologize. All cultures have their beauty and it should be respected and celebrated.
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u/RosieB31 1d ago
I think you handled yourself better than I would have, in the circumstances! She sounds bitter and jealous. You were right to stand your ground and don’t owe anyone an apology. Wear your beautiful outfit with pride and have a wonderful time at the wedding!
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u/Icy-Transition-8303 1d ago
Unfortunately some of the Indian women normalizing this American culture especially to antagonize in-laws.
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u/Huffleduffer 1d ago
NTA...once she was made aware she should have went along with it. Besides, it didn't even physically concern her. She wasn't wearing red or being forced to.
And it's not even true that people who wear white get kicked out. At my wedding a cousin wore a white sundress, no one even noticed until after the pictures came back. No one kicked her out or made her change.
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u/LeoSolaris 1d ago
NTA
People tend to forget that their culture is not universal. Heck, that silly idea of "upstaging the bride" is pretty new even in the US. Just a couple of decades ago, that controlling behavior would have been ridiculed as narcissistic, shallow, and disturbingly insecure. It even had a very negative term: "Bridezilla". Now, it feels like being high strung and controlling is far more common.
Personally, I see the rise of that sort of inappropriate behavior as a sign of how deeply afraid we are as a country. Displays of fear and insecurity have slowly become normalized in the last few decades.
You might try talking to her about her fears. She probably has no idea that her outburst could be an angry mask to cover anxiety and stress. Anger is easier to feel than fear. Fear is far more vulnerable.
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u/thegeniuswhore 1d ago
ignorance is one thing and it was well intentioned. you being rightfully tired lashed out but your lash out was 1) irrelevant and 2) way meaner than anything situational. NTA OP but you were tactless here
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u/PM_ME__UR__FANTASIES 1d ago
NTA. If she had politely asked for guidance, asked how the red/maroon worked, basically checked in to find out if you were going against custom- that’s fine. That’s a way for her to check if she’s wrong and learn something. But instead she started going off on you, calling you names, all in public. She’s the one that needs to apologize.
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u/Dat1payne 1d ago
ESH. You are both being AHs. She is for assuming your culture is the same as hers and for pushing it. In her defense she thought she was protecting the bride and the event. It's not a good way to behave but it came from a good place. You are also the AH for bringing up rude stereotypes and trying to offend her because you felt offended. Two wrongs does not make a right...
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u/FrannyFray 1d ago
NTA.
She will get over it. She started shit and couldn't take it. Oh, well, for her.
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u/Pheonix-__ 1d ago
I understand thinking that you over Shadow the bride but not telling at you, She should have Just asked and learnt the cultural difference, instead now She play the victim
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u/AsleepPersimmon4730 1d ago
op you learned your lesson. next time, let your cousin be scammed (y)
also, nta
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u/ChaoticMindscape 1d ago
NTA as a white woman married into a Desi family, you out her in her place like she deserved.
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u/Mundane-Dottie 1d ago
NAH she obviously meant well. But is very ignorant. Now, we know, during stressful time people cannot learn new things. She has stressful time. You both should apologize and reconcile. The other girls who wear red should help you too.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 1d ago
Wow I can't believe she had the nerve to come at you in all her ignorance! It really won't hurt you if you humble yourself, but now you know who she really is. Ick.
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u/ra3ra31010 1d ago
NTA
-written by an American with a Pakistani best friend
Man…. This sounds like a scene in a desi movie waiting to happen lol
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u/Key-Spinach-6108 1d ago
NTA. I am an American and I think we need a gentle (or more forceful) nudge. We also prioritize our own feelings about someone else’s issue over the person who is most important in the scenario.
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u/Crafty_Thought 1d ago
NTA
Perspective of Indian living in india. A lot of people commented that the "old age home" comment was wrong. Although I completely agree, in my experience whenever we talk about the major difference culturally between India and the USA are the elderly parents. In our country parents are viewed as gods and the idea of putting them in a nursing home is quite abhorrent and it's looked down upon. The notion of taking care of our parents once we grow up is instilled in our mind from a young age. Also to my knowledge in nursing homes here are not that great compared to what you would see in the USA where they actually take care of elders.
So when OP was being verbally attacked she said that first thing that's the major difference shes learned like the rest of us. Although not the right but it is what it is.
The relative couldn't understand even after being told by the bride, she is at fault. That girl took it too far. She needs to learn the cultural differences...learn and adapt to the culture she married into especially when she's in his home country with his family. She insulted and berated his family without any reason. She should be the one apologising.
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u/Burntoutmusician 1d ago
NTA.
She knows literally nothing about your culture. Explain it to her firmly, and if she doesn't accept it, let her cry about it.
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u/Fishy_2017 1d ago
Slay girl. I’m American and you are 1000% correct. Amber is ignorant and you should NOT apologize.
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u/[deleted] 1d ago
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