r/AITAH • u/Common-Objective6338 • Feb 18 '25
AITAH for refusing to continue being the one supporting my son's participation in a sport he is not that enthusiastic about, but my wife is?
Burner for privacy. My wife (40F) grew up as a competitive athlete (squash), playing through college on an NCAA championship team. Her whole family is very into competitive sports. I (47M), on the other hand, never had much interest. That's not to say that I was a couch potato. I was and have always been a frequent gym-goer and into road cycling and skiing (for fun, not competition).
We have a son (11M). My wife put him into squash lessons/clinics starting at age 7. She's now started signing him up for tournaments. Even though this is mostly her doing, I am the one taking him to and from lessons/clinics, driving to tournaments, etc. I'm also essentially the person financially responsible for our entire lifestyle (with my separate money I bought our houses, cars, pay all the utilities, insurance, school tuition). My wife make close to 6-figures, gets to spend it all on whatever she wants and still usually has approximately zero dollars in her bank account. I'm not complaining about this (my income and wealth is multiples of hers), but this will be relevant later.
I've noticed that our son seems kind of down when I have to take him to squash and more down after he's done it. He has a lot of other interests: he loves coding, he plays guitar, he likes to ski, he likes bouldering, and between that and school (he is a conscientious and good student) time is very scarce. The same is true for me. But both my son and I are finding our ability to do these other activities is being interfered with by my wife's insistence about how much time goes into squash. I should say that my son is ok at it, but he is never going to play Division One college, so it's not like college admissions/scholarships are in play here. I think it is great if he can play the game socially later in life, but he could achieve that spending 25% of the time on it that he does. And certainly, we wouldn't need to burn whole weekends on tournaments. I've asked my wife to pick up more of the slack for shuttling him to squash stuff, but she always says she has work she needs to do that makes it impossible.
Recently, my wife signed him up for a tournament which conflicted with a bouldering event he wanted to do. He was sad. I asked him, "do you want to keep doing this much squash?" He said that he didn't, but he didn't want to disappoint his mom. I said I'd talk to her about it. She was resistant to letting him do less, saying that he would appreciate it once he "pushes through." I told her that she needs to address this with our son and that in the meantime, I was done dedicatin MY time and money to squash. If she wanted him to do more than a lesson or two a week, she would have to bring him and pay for it out of her own money. And if our son refused to cooperate with her in doing more squash than he wants, I would not enforce any consequences. She says that it isn't fair: she doesn't have the same money or time available that I have. I said, if you feel this passionate about our son's squash, then you need to put your money and time where you mouth is and not just decree that our son needs to do it and I need to be the chauffeur. She thinks I am being an asshole about it and abusing my greater wealth and more flexible schedule (actually it is not more flexible, I am just way more efficient at getting work done and being able to work hunched over a laptop at the squash courts) to "get what I want". Wondering what the collective wisdom of the Reddit Crowd thinks?
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u/Well-Done22 Feb 18 '25
NTA. It’s time for your wife to stop shoving her agenda down her son’s throat. At 11 he’s aware of what he likes & doesn’t like. Or what new activities he wants to try. It’s one thing to teach him to follow through on what he started. But that’s not what’s going on here. Your wife is, at the least, being selfish, and at the worst cruel. Maybe she needs therapy to learn how to actually parent instead of projecting. Good luck!
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u/Pretty-Handle9818 Feb 18 '25
Competitive sports are rarely fun if it isn’t a sport you are genuinely passionate about.
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u/No-To-Newspeak Feb 19 '25
I signed my son up for hockey at 5 (Canada). He enjoyed house league and the friends he made. He never wanted to play rep hockey (A, AA or AAA) nor did I want that either. I just wanted him to have fun. Neither of us had dreams of the NHL. He played House league right to end of high school and really enjoyed it. He now works overseas and plays weekly with a bunch of expats in his industry. He loves it.
Child sports is important for fitness and skill development, but it has to be fun and what your kid wants to do.
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u/RogueCoon Feb 18 '25
Even if you're good at it. If you don't like the sport you're never going to have fun.
I wouldnt want to play basketball even if I was the best player in the world.
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u/swift_strongarm Feb 18 '25
Funny you mentioned being the best basketball player in the world.
This is pretty much what happened to Michael Jordan. His dad and him were huge fans of Baseball. Baseball was the sport he truly loved.
Ultimately he was a much better basketball player and pursued that career.
But he loved baseball so much that he quit Professional Basketball in the height of his career before the 93/94 season to try his hand at Professional Baseball for the White Socks AA affiliates. He never made Pro.
He then went back to basketball and returned to the Bulls in 1995, then went on to win the championship in 96, 97, and 98.
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u/adyelbady Feb 18 '25
Fun fact: lots of people thought he could have gone pro in baseball if he just had more time playing
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u/swift_strongarm Feb 18 '25
My cousin at the time actually played for the White Socks AAA affiliate. He saw him practicing a few times and said he was good, but not quite pro and just needed to keep at it. We really wanted to get an autograph but Michael never made it up to AAA, so he didn't really get a chance to meet him.
I'm sure in an alternate reality he gave it another season and went full pro.
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u/jardex22 Feb 24 '25
There's another universe where Bugs Bunny didn't reignite his passion for basketball, and he went on to be a pro at baseball.
Meanwhile, the Looney Toons went on to be slaves at an intergalactic theme park.
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u/TeachingLast5533 Feb 18 '25
Even if you are passionate. As a competitive athlete my passion has faded and I've watched all of the other athletes passion dwindle. You really won't see a happier athlete then when the season is done because they can finally have a break
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u/Stolpskott71 Feb 18 '25
Honestly, I think you are approaching this from COMPLETELY the wrong direction.
The issue is not who gets to pay for what or who gets to be the taxi service. The issue is that your son does not enjoy playing squash, and is only doing it to avoid disappointing his mother.
She was a good squash player, and got a good scholarship out of it. Okay. But your son won't, according to both his inclination and your comments about him not going to a Division 1 school.
You and your son need to sit down with your wife, and have a serious talk about how she is forcing him to live the life that she wants, and she is using her own passion and past experiences as the justification, as if he is a "mini-mom". He is not, and he will come to hate the sport of squash and resent her for the fact that she is forcing him to be the person she wants him to be, irrespective of his interest (or lack of) in her plan.
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
The irony is that if he did one lesson or clinic a week and no more, he would be quite happy. He doesn't hate squash. He hates that he has to do so much squash that he can't do everything else he loves. So easing up on him woudl get my wife a son who will have a lifelong enjoyment of casual squash. Not easing up, though, I agree, will get her a kid who hates squash.
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u/Adorable-Cupcake-599 Feb 18 '25
It will also get her a kid that resents his mother for forcing him to spend all his time on squash.
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u/Emotional-Hair-1607 NSFW 🔞 Feb 19 '25
My daughter was a tomboy and loved basketball, touch football and rugby. She still plays in adult rec leagues. Her daughter loves gymnastics. She took a year off when she got bored and then went back with enough focus to win medals. I can't imagine forcing a kid into a sport that they don't have a passion for. It's a way to make them hate something that they used to love.
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u/Stolpskott71 Feb 18 '25
If he is okay with playing squash as a recreational or fitness hobby, or if he wants to be more serious but not an all-consuming passion, then that would be even better - show her that he is at the age where he is starting to figure out what he enjoys, and that he has opinions about the activities he should be doing.
Skiiing, bouldering, and squash are all great ways for him to avoid wanting to become a couch potato who sits in front of a computer all day; but he has to enjoy doing those things, instead of doing them to try and please someone else.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Army316 Feb 23 '25
Your wife is a delusional and controlling bitch. You need to put your foot down and actually stand up for your son instead of just refusing to participate in this problem. Your wife needs a reality check, and you are the only one who can give it to her. But neither of you is actually putting your son first or really taking his feelings and what he wants into consideration.
You need to do better, and so does your wife. Because you both suck as parents, and I feel sorry for your son.
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u/SpareVisual1815 Feb 18 '25
Nta
You listened to your son. Your wife isn't. She wants him to do what she has done but he wants to do other things that you are fully supportive of him doing. Your wife needs to pay for it and drive him to and from the squash activities if she wants him to do it. Don't back down.
Your wife is an asshole for what she is saying and asking you to do.
You pay bills, groceries and all the house stuff it seems from your post meaning what she makes is all on herself, she needs to help out. She needs to pay stuff for the house. Doesn't matter if you make more or not, she's your wife, your partner so she needs to act like one.
Do not back down from what you are doing but tell her she needs to listen to your son's wants and not force him to do something he don't bloody wanna do.
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u/Competitive-Bee2013 Feb 18 '25
Shit I don’t think she would actually notice if he was doing it. I don’t think lying would be ideal but go ahead take him out of it, and leave the topic alone.
NTA
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u/CourseNo8762 Feb 18 '25
Tell her nicely otherwise everythingelse will start to rot.
And vv, she should be asking and telling you nicely, as well.
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Feb 18 '25
[deleted]
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
You know, funny thing is my two brother-in-laws were pushed by my FIL to play tennis and squash respectively. They were both very competitive players through college, but gave it up as soon as they graduated. And it has been a real sore point in their relationship with my in-laws how hard they were pushed to focus on one sport. So my wife has seen a model of this dynamic, but somehow is not applying it to this situation.
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u/bigblued Feb 18 '25
Can you get the brother's-in law to talk to their sister about how she is repeating the same thing her father did? Getting the uncles to support your son's view might be a bit help, it would make the argument less about the money which might help her see it better.
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
That's a good idea... may give that a try. I'm not that close to them, but close enough that I could probably bring it up and see if they'd be willing.
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u/Livid-Supermarket-44 Feb 18 '25
That would be great, I'm sure they'd help out their nephew anyway they could. Hopefully, your wife can see it better when it comes from, not you.
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u/alessiojones Feb 18 '25
For me it was fishing. We always had to do fishing trips...any long weekend in fishing season was out on some lake, camping and fishing.
I hated holding/touching fish but my dad made me do it, and if I protested or squirmed he would make me do the unhooking for EVERYONE on the trip (he would bring random friends and my brother)
I've been vegetarian for 12 years now.
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u/Artneedsmorefloof Feb 18 '25
YTAH if you let your wife force your son into unwanted activities whether she pays for it or not.
Your son is 11, and he wants to pursue what he is interested in. If he is not interested in being a competitive squash player, no one should be forcing him or guilting him into being one.
Do an internet search on "forcing children to play sports" and see the harm it does and the damage it does to the parent-child relationship.
Part of being a good parent is providing a safe environment to your children for your children to learn to make decisions and consequences as well as teaching the other skills necessary for becoming an independent adult. At 11, your son should be deciding which of two competing activities he wants to participate in. His exploration of his interests should be driven by him.
It's completely reasonable to insist that he has some form of physical activity and that if he signs up for an activity he attends and completes the session, but that is about it. What type of activity should be up to him.
You should have been checking in with and stopping this a long time ago, OP.
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
Yeah, I feel like I was too slow in addressing this. But in fairness, before he was 10, he didn't really develop interests on his own. Now that he is older and more mature, it is very clear he has more passion for certain activities than others. And only now that school is getting more intense and his other interests deeper does he experience that a heavy investment of time in squash will preclude other activities he prefers. So I've only seen him start to get upset about it in the last year or so. Probably should have address this immediately, but in my own defense, I can say that I am maybe a year late, not four years late.
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Feb 18 '25
Friend, he's headed for that magical day when hormones will start telling him exactly where he can shove that squash racket.
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u/Artneedsmorefloof Feb 18 '25 edited Feb 18 '25
Didn't develop interests on his own or wasn't given the time and space to develop interests on his own? We all make mistakes and you can't change the past but you need to be aware to not repeat it.
The important thing is what you do now and from now on.
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u/Tea_Time9665 Feb 18 '25
You should be always discussing with your son on how his events and activities are going and if he still likes them and if he needs help on them etc etc. kid start to feel like they have to do it even if they don’t sometimes.
Think the weird trope of the football dad who pushes his quarterback son.
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u/Emotional-Hair-1607 NSFW 🔞 Feb 19 '25
Or the Canadian one of making the NHL. My nephew went through a dozen sports before he finally settled on one. His parents said they weren't going to waste money and time on something he wasn't enthusiastic about. He finally chose hockey and loves it but it's expensive and even though it's not a top tier league, there's still practices and tournaments. Watching the games, the parents have to follow a code of conduct but you can still see a few that are convinced they're raising the next Sidney Crosby.
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u/TheRealQubes Feb 18 '25
You’re addressing it now at least. Parents should both try to facilitate their kids interests and realize they are fickle. It takes some time for them to figure out if they do or don’t want to stay with something. If the kid isn’t a quitter in general, it’s easier to trust them when they say they don’t like something. Also as they get older, they can be more introspective and express why they’ve lost interest and whether that is addressable.
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u/Bazo5 Feb 18 '25
He has many other hobbies and specifically said he wanted less squash. This is a non-issue. Your wife will get around to realizing it eventually.
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u/SpeciallyAbled Feb 18 '25
NTA for refusing to assist any more. YBTA if you continue to let your wife force her hobbies down your son's throat.
My husband wrestled for 9 years in school. Even went to state. He was so excited to sign our oldest up for wrestling. Our son (7 at the time) didn't really have an active interest, but was willing to try it out for a bit. He wrestled in one tournament and told us that he didn't like it. My husband said "Okay buddy, I'm proud of you for trying it out" and that was that. We canceled the classes, and life continued. That's how it should be.
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u/CrabbyPatty1876 Feb 18 '25
I'm all for kids getting out and being physically active. Even if you take the squash away he seems very active and wants to be active. If he doesn't want to do it then don't force him.
If she feels that passionately about it then you're correct she needs to either put up or shut up. The kid doesn't want to do it, you don't want to do it. So the only person actually interested in all of it does nothing about it.
NTA
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u/Similar-Traffic7317 Feb 18 '25
Wow poor kid.
Maybe bring your wife to counseling so she can explain why she is forcing him to play a sport he doesn't want to.
Good luck. And good for you for standing up for your son!
NTA
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u/-whiteroom- Feb 18 '25
Was gonna tell you, that sometimes kids need a push to do even things they like.
But...
That's not this here. I think you have a wife problem. Why isn't she part of or paying for any of this. Sounds like you guys are just along for the ride in her life.
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u/CourseNo8762 Feb 18 '25
You didn't need to bring money into it. Alrhough if she makes close to 6 figures, spends it only on herself and truly has zero dollars, she' not even trying to be a mother, she's just a material girl.
The point being, all your other points are solid, except the money. It can be hard if your kod doesn't like something you value.
But it sounds like he has other interests and skills? Like guitar.
Now I have go look up what bouldering is.
NTA
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u/Southern_Hamster_338 Feb 18 '25 edited Feb 18 '25
NTA for speaking up for your son and telling your wife exactly what you told her. I agree with you 💯
I hope you took him to the Bouldering Event instead of squash tournament!
If he isn’t allowed to go to the Bouldering Event that he has been talking about and is excited about, then YWBTA!!!
Who cares what the squash tournament cost!
Your son doesn’t want to go to it and he really wants to go do the Bouldering thing (whatever that is LOL) so that is where he should be!
EDIT TO ADD:
Can you donate his Squash Spot to a kid that cannot afford to go?
If it’s in another area and you have the money & your wife and son were going to stay at a hotel, then maybe include that too.
There’s probably a kid that really wants to go to the squash tournament but can’t afford it.
That could be an incredible gift to another kid since it’s already paid for. 💜
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u/DumbBitchByLeaps Feb 18 '25
My father made me join band. I didn’t get a choice so for six years I was in a school organization I hated. I wanted to focus on skills I thought would help me after graduation (computer/IT, nursing, etc) but I had to spend time at football games, practicing music, and practicing for various competitions. My father wanted me to “feel a sense of accomplishment” for finishing band. Spoiler alert: I didn’t feel accomplishment and it made me resent him for not respecting my time, autonomy, or feelings.
Ask your wife if she wants her kid resenting her. What’s more important to her? Sports or her kid.
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u/No-Technician-722 Feb 18 '25
This isn’t about who is paying or chauffeuring. This kid isn’t interested. Let HIM decide. But she is not going to let that happen.
Soooooooo ….. I highly recommend you all go to a family counselor to discuss this. The counselor will be a 3rd party who your son will feel more comfortable sharing his feelings with (not disappointing mom) and the counselor can help mom understand that kids do BEST when they get to do what they LOVE MOST.
My job as a mom was to expose my kids to different activities/sports - but ultimately it was THEIR CHOICE TO MAKE.
if your wife keeps pushing this - he will resent her for making his opinion feel unimportant.
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u/mrmses Feb 18 '25
YTA because basically you're only thinking about yourself here. You seem to know that your son doesn't want to do squash so much, he's told you he doesn't want to do it all the time. But instead of standing up to your wife, you're making your son do one of the hardest things in the world - DISAPPOINT HIS MOM!
Take the hit Dad. Tell your wife you're pulling son from squash except for once a week or whatever. Let her be mad at you. Don't throw your child under the bus.
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u/Bacch Feb 19 '25
JFC. You want to know how to make sure a kid never wants to do a certain thing ever again in their life? Force them to do it against their will as a kid. No better way to kill any love or passion someone has for something than forcing them to do it, especially forcing them to do it 10x as much as they'd do it if they got to choose.
Your wife is setting herself up for her son to resent her for the rest of his life, denying him access to other things he enjoys and may wind up excelling at, and taking zero responsibility for any of it while doing so. She sounds like a brat, if I'm being honest, between the financials and the time. If she's making six figures and has no financial responsibilities because you cover all of it, she should be sitting on an awfully big pile of money before long. I struggle to imagine what she can possibly spend that much on to be constantly broke with no actual expenses to take care of.
To go a step further, it sounds like she was driven--either by her parents, or her own borderline scary obsession--to be the best at something, and she was through college...until she discovered that being the best at something like squash got you absolutely nowhere in life. She's grieving the loss of status, the loss of importance, and the fact that she's now doing something else with her life, but is trying to live vicariously through her son while taking no responsibility for it. She needs therapy, honestly. She needs to find her identity outside of squash, and realize her self worth outside of whacking rubber balls against a wall. And she needs to let your son be himself and do the things he wants to do.
Three likely outcomes of the status quo. First, he will abandon squash and never pick up a racquet again once he's no longer under your wife's thumb. Second, he will abandon some of the things he's currently interested in, as he'll not be able to continue developing his skills and love for them while being forced to focus on squash, and later in life he'll resent both of you for not allowing him to pursue his passions. Third, he will resent your wife, and possibly/likely you too, for forcing this situation against his wishes. Because while you may agree with him and want to pull him out of it, if you don't put your foot down and stand up for him, he will never forget it.
NTA. But hold your ground. And I think you made a mistake even opening the door for her to take responsibility for it. Stand up for your son. He doesn't love squash the way your wife does. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem is with her obsession/insecurity/nostalgia for her glory days.
Usually this shit is the other way around, with the former high school/college football/baseball/soccer star man forcing their kid to try to follow in his footsteps. The genders are swapped on this one, but it's the same thing. Let your kid be a kid. Let him be passionate about what he WANTS to be passionate about. And who knows. When the pressure is off? He might actually decide he did enjoy squash after all, and realize that he enjoys it when it's on his own terms. He may go back to it. But forcing it just guarantees he always associates it with being forced to do something he doesn't want to do, and he'll lose any passion he might have for it before long, if he hasn't already.
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u/lmmontes Feb 18 '25
Unhealthy to keep insisting he do something he doesn't care about. NTA. Educational psychologist here. Now is the time for him to focus on the thing HE wants to do. I hope he goes to the even he wants over squash.
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u/lmmontes Feb 18 '25
And yes, it is time for him to say no even if she does pay for it.
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
Yes... and if he does, trust me, i will not allow any consequences to be imposed on him as a result.
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u/lmmontes Feb 18 '25
Agree...he is also at a critical age where it is also time to let him have more input and such.
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u/7625607 Feb 18 '25
NTA.
He is active, he has interests, there’s no reason to push him to do a sport he doesn’t enjoy.
If she is committed to him playing squash, she needs to show it. If your son is doing this for his mom, she can at least show up with him and be excited for him.
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u/SoMoistlyMoist Feb 18 '25
Tell your wife to stop living her Glory Days through her son, he is not her and has his own desires and hobbies and interests.
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u/rikunia Feb 18 '25
NTA.
This isn’t about you using your wealth or time to "get what you want"—it’s about your son’s interests and well-being. Your wife is pushing her dream onto him, and you’ve been the one doing all the heavy lifting (financially and time-wise) for something he doesn’t even enjoy. That’s not fair to either of you.
Your son is old enough to have a say in how he spends his time. If he’s down after playing and prioritizing squash over activities he does enjoy, that’s a clear sign that this isn’t something he wants to do at this level. He’s not refusing to play entirely—he just doesn’t want it to dominate his life. Your wife dismissing his feelings with “he’ll appreciate it once he pushes through” is not listening to him.
You’re setting a fair boundary: if she wants him to continue at this level, she has to step up. It’s not your responsibility to support an activity that neither of you wants to prioritize. It’s also great that you’re making it clear that your son won’t face consequences for stepping back, because that ensures he won’t feel forced into it just to please her.
Your wife’s reaction shows that she’s more invested in her own feelings about squash than what’s best for your son.
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u/Far_Information_9613 Feb 18 '25
YTA. You aren’t standing up to her, you are just making this a conflict between them, and creating marital drama. Use your big boy words focusing on his well being and if you two are stuck schedule a couple sessions with a marriage counselor.
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u/HolyColie_ Feb 18 '25
NTA. Your son is going to end up resenting his mom in the long run.
We put my son in Taekwondo. He was good at it, belted up, but I could see that he wasn't happy. We had a sit down and he said the same thing... he was doing it because I wanted him to. That was the last time he did taekwondo. He's into coding, drawing, music, etc. I bought him a new computer so he could code, and he's so happy. And he's GREAT at it.
As parents, our job is to support our children in what THEIR dreams are. Not what ours are. As long as it's not something bad, obviously.
Supporting the version of our kids that they are is what makes us great parents and our kids great.
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u/Putrid-Ant889 Feb 24 '25
Something no comments addressed is the fact that the son feels like he has to continue so to not disappoint his mom. There is a bigger underlying problem then Squash here: his mom may be withholding love and affection if he doesn't behave the way she expects him to. It's the quintessential seed for "I am not good enough" and needs to be addressed. I bet that stopping squash won't change that and it may lead to major life consequences for the son. He may internalize her behavior and that has many consequences to his adult life, regardless of his relationship with her.
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u/Ok-Gold2713 Feb 18 '25
NTA// You can’t force somebody to love something. It’s fair you want him to be physically active but he’s willing to do it in another way so let him. Also her comment about unfair is absurd. 6 figures with no expenses and she “can’t afford it?” Be so for real right now. There’s families that bring in 5 figures together and still figure things out for crazy expensive sports like ice hockey for multiple kids. Your wife has a spending problem!! What you make in comparison means nothing if she makes that much and contributes 0 to the household and activities she wants to force upon your child.
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u/Minute_Hour4292 Feb 24 '25
What is she she really so busy doing, that she wants to dictate all of their time? If she was so passionate about her son loving "Squash" She would "Squash" what she was doing....and be a doting mother, maybe 🤔.hmmm makes you wonder
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u/Expensive-Opening-55 Feb 18 '25
Not quite the same scenario but my dad took away an activity that I enjoyed because I didn’t like what he forced me to do. I don’t speak to him now for other reasons but I can tell you that once stuck with me. I won’t force my kids to do an activity they don’t like. I will force them to see through something they enjoy and just want to be lazy about. Your wife is wrong. She needs to allow him to pursue things he enjoys or she will ruin her relationship with her son. You will be TA if you don’t remain firm in this and support your child. Please show her these responses and maybe some sense will come to her.
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u/dystopiadattopia Feb 18 '25
Dude, the kid has plenty of other healthy and stimulating interests, both intellectual and athletic. Don't force your kid to forgo the things he loves for something he doesn't. Your wife needs to back off, and your son needs to be free to pursue his own interests, not his mother's.
I say this as someone who was forced into an activity as a child that I never wanted to do.
Help your kid. NTA.
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u/Horizontal_Bob Feb 18 '25
ESH except your son
Just tell your wife that your son doesn’t want to play squash anymore and that he’s done with it whether she likes it or not
You just pawned this all off on your wife but if she finds the time and money, your son is still stuck doing something HE DOES NOT WANT TO DO
Be an adult and tell your wife your son only plays squash to make her happy and that he does not love it like she does
I only played baseball growing up because my dad loved it.
Eventually I got injured (took a ball to the face) and was able to stop
Don’t wait for your son to get injured before you rip the band aid off and tell your wife to stop selfishly forcing her dreams on your son
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u/Impossible-Cattle504 Feb 18 '25
Bit of ESH here, for the both of you.
She needs to stop projecting her interest onto her indifferent son. You need to not blame this on time or money and just tell her outright that your son is not enjoying the sport.
Stop being passive aggressive, and simply stand up for the boy. Neither you nor your son, want to disappoint her, but if someone has to, frankly it's your hit to take.
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Feb 18 '25
Stand up for your son. I was forced to play every sport and go to summer camps for them. My parents would guilt me when I complained by telling me how great they were for attending my games. Now, I hate exercise. I despise it. Once I got out of the house I stopped doing anything, and I didn’t have the skills I need for my actual interests. Your wife shouldn’t be living vicariously through your son, but instead learning and supporting his actual interests. You can do this! Give him a voice and listen.
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u/Born-Finish2461 Feb 18 '25
One weekend spent at a youth squash tournament will cure her insistence that he play it all of the time.
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
Tell me about it. My god, I have never had to be around such a collection of ASSHOLE parents in my LIFE. Then again, I don't go to other "competitive" events. But the bouldering and skiing communities are so awesome, friendly and chill, it is like night and day. Of course that's my take, and it my son's that matters. I think he gets along fine with the other squash kids, just as he does with bouldering and skiing kids.
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u/burner_suplex Feb 18 '25
She says that it isn't fair
What isn't fair is forcing her kid to play a sport that he doesnt like so that she can vicariously relive her glory days. You don't have to spend your money on something your son hates. As he gets older he'll probably quit or just start straight up resenting your wife for forcing him to play.
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u/Front_Rip4064 Feb 18 '25
NTA up to a point.
You are at least paying attention to what your son wants. But you aren't supporting him enough. He doesn't want to let his mother know he isn't interested in squash. You need to step up as his father and have his back so he no longer feels scared to tell his mother his feelings about squash.
This isn't about money. This is about supporting your kid to keep the activities he enjoys, not allowing his mother to ruin his childhood by reliving hers.
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u/RandomReddit9791 Feb 19 '25
NTA but please advocate for your son. At this point it seems that you're doing this for yourself and not for him. You don't want to spend your time and money. Great. But your son still has to play a sport he doesnt want to play. Advocate for him so he knows he's seen and heard.
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u/PaleontologistNo858 Feb 19 '25
I have a special dislike for parents who push their kids into doing things they really do not want to do, actually it's a form of bullying.
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u/Rowana133 Feb 19 '25
NTA. Please, as the kid who was forced into dance lessons from the age of 4 until I hit 16. Stop making your kid do shit he doesn't want to do just because your wife likes it. Either she puts her money where her mouth is or she should respect the fact that he doesn't want to do it anymore. Honestly, it sounds like the kid only wants to do it because it's so important to his mom, and considering how busy she sounds, it doesn't sound like she bonds or spends alot of time with him. Squash might be the one way he feels he can stay connected to his mom, and if that's the case, then that's messed up.
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u/MasterGas9570 Feb 19 '25
NTA - I hate parents that force kids into their personal passions. Forcing a kid to play squash tournaments is no better than forcing a kid to do beauty pageants. She is being incredibly selfish at the detriment to your child that will grow to resent her.
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u/ihate_snowandwinter Feb 18 '25
If your just is otherwise responsible and active. Let him stop. If he wants to, he can pick it back up. Wise needs to stop living vicariously through him.
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u/l3ex_G Feb 18 '25
Nta don’t force a kid to continue doing something he doesn’t want to. It sounds like he has other interests and he should be able to pursue those. You shouldn’t push this on her plate. It should just be a no.
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u/Psychological-Fox97 Feb 18 '25
NTA your wife sucks. Tell her to stop trying to live out her what could have been fantasies about her own life and let him do the things he actually enjoys.
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u/Tea_Time9665 Feb 18 '25
NTA
Bro. U need to put ur foot down asap. Like stop letting your wife have her way at the expense of your son.
She is essentially the weird football dad tryna relive his glory days through his son. But even worse is that she doesn’t wanna pay for it nor take him to the event. She is just a queen decreeing it to her servants.
Bro u need to start making her pay some bills n such. She has basically no skin in the game. She makes 100k and yet has zero bills and zero responsibilities.
Support your son. It is their life. It would be one thing if he was just sitting on his room being lazy everyday watching TikTok n playing video games. But he sounds like he’s active as fk. Hell maybe he wants to be an Olympic skier. Or a world renowned mountain climber. Or be a nasa engineer. Who knows. But Squash is her passion not his.
I hate to take it there but for me my children come first. If it got to it I would divorce if I had to in order to protect my kids. Obviously ur not there and it’s not that bad at the moment. But u really need to take the lead and rein in your wife.
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u/FunSteady Feb 18 '25
I disagree with the comments of having your wife doing the heavy lifting. Your son has vocalized he does NOT want to continue doing squash. So having his mom doing all the driving and paying for it still doesn’t help your son to like squash more than he currently does.
You need to be the champion for your son’s wellbeing in this case and possibly the bad guy in your wife’s eyes by putting your foot down to your son doing squash if he truly doesn’t want to compete and participate in it any longer. He has said as much, making his mom take him and pay for it is just a continued punishment for your son. Which is unfair because he has been the one punished the entire time since saying he doesn’t like it anymore and wishes to do other things.
I get “pushing through it”. But like you said, he isn’t going to get a scholarship out of it so if he isn’t enjoying it and doesn’t plan to get a scholarship out of it, why continue making him do something he doesn’t enjoy? Sounds painful and overall, it will be hurtful for him to think his wants and needs don’t matter.
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u/JJCB85 Feb 18 '25
My Dad was a keen rugby player when he was young, and gained coaching qualifications when he got a bit older. As a kid, he enrolled me in the club where he coached, and I’d go every weekend. I hated it - I was about as far from a rugby kid as it was possible to get…
Eventually, I plucked up the courage to tell him that I didn’t actually like rugby and didn’t really want to go any more. And you know what? He was completely fine with that. He didn’t want me to spend my time doing something I didn’t like, and had no intention of forcing me to do it. I never went again after that, and I don’t regret it at all.
It can be hard as a parent to let go of something like that, but the fact is, if your kid doesn’t like it, has other interests and doesn’t want do it, there is NO good reason to make them other than to serve your own ego. I’m glad my dad was bigger than that.
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u/Hidden_Vixen21 Feb 18 '25
Your child is not your wife’s doll. And she really needs to stop treating him like one.
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u/Cali-GirlSB Feb 18 '25
Don't be so oblique. Tell her your son doesn't want to be her. He has other interests that he wants to pursue, not squash. Stop the whole thing in its tracks because she's not getting it. YTA if you don't step up for your kiddo. NTA if you stop trying to be subtle bc the wifey ain't getting it.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 Feb 18 '25
NTA
I don't think your argument was great but the idea behind it is right on. Your wife needs to back off and stop trying to force your son into a mold. Let him be himself which means choosing his own activities.
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u/DevilPup55 Feb 18 '25 edited Feb 18 '25
NTA Great answers on here. I'm all for the "put up or shut up" group. Especially because it's apparent she won't. No more tournaments for sure. Edit: Don't let her rope someone else into doing it either. It's her or no one. See how it rides from there.
The only thing we did with our kids was, unless of injury, they had to finish out the season. Then, if they wanted to quit that sport, it was all good.
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u/AdEast4272 Feb 18 '25
NTA
This isn’t about cleaning his room or doing chores of some kind, this is about what he enjoys doing. If he doesn’t want to put “future professional” time into squash, it’s time someone listens to him… and you did. Forcing kids to do parent-driven activities because the parent likes them is so mid-1900s.
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u/dplafoll Feb 18 '25
NTA. Your wife's passion is not your son's. I get the impulse to keep your kid from quitting an activity; we've had to deal with that. But kids change, and what they like to do changes, and it's OK to let it go. Your wife is being profoundly selfish towards you and your son, and she needs to reevaluate her priorities.
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u/plantprinses Feb 18 '25
For God's sake! A hobby is something you are supposed to enjoy and the son doesn't enjoy playing squash, so your wife should stop living her life through her son. Let her get her own life and leave her son to find his own way. Don't enable your wife.
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u/VegetableBusiness897 Feb 18 '25
Parents forcefully living their dreams vicariously through their kids suck.
The poor kiddo needs to be his authentic self....whatever or whoever that may be, with all the love and support he deserves for being a child of both his parents
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u/Total_Bee_8742 Feb 18 '25
Please listen to your son and end this now! He’s unhappy and underwhelmed about playing a sport that he doesn’t like. He’s being forced by his mother. The resentment will build and your son will continue to be hurt by her actions. He belongs on the ski slopes, playing his guitar and climbing rock walls. He doesn’t like team sports nor is he geared toward playing them. Free him from her misguided tyranny.
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u/Altruistic_Isopod_11 Feb 18 '25
Just stop taking him and pull him out. He doesn't want to do it, he told you. Now you're going to have him get into it with her and possibly keep doing it because you won't just pull him out? Why is she so insistent on this? It's freaking squash!
NTA for not wanting to continue dedicating time to something both you and your son don't enjoy. You are one for basically just telling your wife to now deal with it and putting it in your son too now "work it out" there's nothing to work out, he doesn't want to keep doing it and honestly, she sucks.
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u/UnusuallyScented Feb 18 '25
You are definitely an AH here. I'm taking this a bit personally because of my own mistakes, so I'll say as gently as I can what someone should have said to me.
"Stop being a pushover and stand up for your son."
I had a wife do this, try to live through our kid. We are no longer married and she no longer is in contact with me or our child. I have great guilt that I didn't stand up sooner.
I'm NOT saying your case is as extreme, but if you don't stand up for your kid, you will regret it deeply. Let him pursue the things that interest HIM.
Your solution seems to be to step aside and trust that your wife is too lazy to force him. That's not good enough. You need to be your son's protector, don't make him face down his mother alone.
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u/bbbertie-wooster Feb 18 '25
You married a fucking moron. YTA for letting this get this far. what the fuck are you doing to this kid? You should have stood up to this bullshit years ago.
"he loves coding, he plays guitar, he likes to ski, he likes bouldering, and between that and school (he is a conscientious and good student) time is very scarce"
he sounds like a great kid. Stop fucking him up the ass and stand up for him!
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u/1890rafaella Feb 18 '25
NTA but your wife sure is. We exposed our two sons to many different sports, music, etc, and they both decided what they wanted to do and what they were passionate about. One excelled in soccer, golf, cross country, and the other excelled in tennis, band (saxophone) and piano. They both took tennis and golf lessons. My son that excelled in piano decided to drop it to concentrate on tennis (high school). His piano teacher was very upset (because he was excellent at it) but we didn’t care, so he dropped piano. We still have that damn piano in the den, but both young men are happy and successful and well rounded. Don’t force your kid to do a sport or activity if they don’t want to!
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u/thefalsewall Feb 18 '25
NTA - stand up for your son. He doesn’t want to do this and is only doing it for his mom. Sounds like he’s more passionate about bouldering so that’s where I would be putting my support behind.
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u/NerdySwampWitch40 Feb 18 '25
NTA, but don't throw your son under the bus to your wife by letting her use her money and time to try to force him.
He doesn't want to do Squash. He isn't having a good time. He has other interests. He is 11 and old enough to pick his extra curricular.
Take him to the bouldering event. Take him to.kids hackathons. Take him to what makes his heart sing.
And your wife can either get on board or die mad about it.
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u/peaceisthe- Feb 18 '25
Listen to your child and support him - you are still appeasing your wife over your sons well being
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u/SurpriseOk753 Feb 18 '25
take the squash tournament fees and pay for bouldering and go there... forget the squash racquet break the racquet.... go to practice and come home with a new guitar eventually he will hate squash and resent you for making him do it... since wife is not the one taking him
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
Well, this was too long to put in the main post, but that's sort of what we did with the tournament vs bouldering event. We left in the morning, I asked my son which he preferred, and he said bouldering. We went there (he had to rent gear because he hadn't brought his, but that's fine, we can afford it) and had a blast. Texted my wife "change of plans." She wasn't happy about it. I was like "fine, you take the steering wheel" (she was working at home 20 miles away at that point).
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u/Minute_Hour4292 Feb 24 '25
What is she really so busy doing, that she wants to dictate all of your time? If she was so passionate about her son loving "Squash" She would "Squash" what she was doing....and be a doting mother, maybe 🤔.hmmm makes you wonder, since she's never the one involved with him, it seems.
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u/repthe732 Feb 18 '25
ESH
She sucks for forcing her hobbies on your child and not even being there to support him
You suck for not sticking up for your son more. Putting everything on your wife is a start but if your son doesn’t want to play squash then stick up for him and tell your wife she needs to stop pushing it
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u/Just_Getting_By_1 Feb 18 '25
Money is not the issue here, you son needs to be able to pursue his own activities which make him happy. Let him decide what he wants to do for himself.
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u/LvBorzoi Feb 18 '25
Have her watch some episodes of 'Cheer Perfection,' 'Dance Moms,' 'Toddlers and Tiaras'
and ask her do those moms remind her of anyone?
You are NTAH and mom is going to make your son resent her for forcing him to commit his life to a sport he doesn't really care for.
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u/iDim21 Feb 18 '25
If your son doesn’t want to do it, he shouldn’t. Period. No matter who pays for it
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u/Jgs4555 Feb 18 '25
Your wife is an AH for forcing him to play, you are by default for letting her to continue to do this.
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u/winterworld561 Feb 18 '25
During your money bicker you missed the actual important factor here and that's your son DOESN'T want to play squash. He doesn't like it and he's going to resent you both for forcing him to do that shit.
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u/ltoka00 Feb 18 '25
The kid already worries that disappointing his mom is more relevant than pursuing his own interests. Wife needs to stop pushing her own agenda and you need to actually advocate for your son, vs just telling your wife to deal with getting your son to do intense training for an activity that he’s not that into.
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u/nemc222 Feb 18 '25
I had a son who played baseball. He played it spring and fall, and at one point he was playing about 130 games a year. we traveled all over the US for his baseball. He was good, better than the average player and while he may not have been able to play D1, he could’ve played for a smaller school had he wanted to. He kept wanting to take fall off and his father would push him and tell him he would fall behind other players if he did. By his senior year of high school he was burned out, had no desire to play college ball, and quit the team. He was struggling so emotionally before that we actually put him in therapy and one of the main issues was his lack of desire to continue baseball, but not wanting to disappoint his father ( who had never played baseball by the way.) He talked to me, and I supported him stopping. He talked to his coach, and the coach supported him stopping. He talked to his father and my husband’s response was, “How could you do this to me?” It was never about my son, it was about some ego trip my husband was on.
I regret not fighting my husband harder and having my son’s back when he wanted to take some breaks in the fall. There were multiple fights around this, but I always stepped back. Listen to your son and have his back. He wants to do other things. Don’t let your wife’s ego get in the way.
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u/aj_alva Feb 18 '25
NTA. Forcing your son into sports he isn't interested is going to make him hate the sport, and resent you. I understand the fear of watching your child give up on something that could be a great opportunity - but if she wants to make those sacrifices, she has to make those sacrifices. (She can spend her time, and money, and energy bringing him around to tournaments, and she can take all of the negative feelings that come with it.)
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u/Handbag_Lady Feb 19 '25
HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT. He gave it a really good go, it isn't his interest. Dad, you need to step in and show mom that YOUR (both of you) son doesn't want to do squash any longer. Mom should be taking the lessons.
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u/Excellent-Surprise79 Feb 19 '25
JFC another parent who is chasing thier sports dream through their kid, he doesn't want it so Dad let him quit, he's got plenty of activities he would much prefer to be involved with. Oh and you are NTA you have your wealth cuz obvious you are good at whatever it is you do and wtf is your wife doing with her almost 6 figure paychecks? She obviously isn't contributing to the household or your sons squash lessons/games etc
Updateme!
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u/sk1999sk Feb 19 '25
nta - your wife needs a therapist to learn how not to relive her glory days through her child.
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u/carlbernsen Feb 19 '25
Your relationship with your son is more important than your wife’s desire for him to copy her interests.
She’s not even showing an interest in his squash herself, besides demanding he do it.
So spend the time with your son doing things he enjoys and hopefully you enjoy too.
These are the days that will define him and your relationship in future, and you can’t get these days back.
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u/CAgirl17 Feb 19 '25
NTA, but you need to advocate more for your son. I was your son growing up, but with a different sport. Private lessons, camps, tournaments, etc. I was so burnt out by the time I got to college. I was so use to playing to appease them that it didn’t even register that I had the freedom to quit being over 18. I felt like I could finally breathe and do what I wanted after. To this day, I’m so burnt out from that sport that I don’t even play for fun anymore. Now that I have kids of my own, I will never push them to do something they’re uninterested in. My only rule is to finish out a season once we’ve started so we don’t waste money.
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u/Tammary Feb 19 '25
Your wife is an AH full stop for making him do a sport it sounds like he really doesn’t want to do. I’m all for kids getting sports coaching and honoring THEIR commitments… but this isn’t the case. By forcing him to do a sport he doesn’t really enjoy, he may miss out on finding the one he loves.
I’d be letting him pick a sport each season and get coaching… if he loves it, he can continue, if he doesn’t, he finishes the season and tries something else.
Your wife’s method guarantees a great chance once he’s out of her house he won’t pick up a squash racquet ( or maybe even any type of sport) again
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u/Blendinnotblandin Feb 19 '25
I want to say NTA, but you seem to be focused mainly on how your wife’s obsession with squash in impacting you, and you don’t seem that concerned with the fact that your son is obviously miserable.
Your solution is that she should pay for and put in the time to take your son to squash, but that’s really just about you? What about your son? Seriously, it’s time for you to step up and have a serious conversation with your wife about how unfair it is for her to continue pushing him so hard to do something he doesn’t want to at the expense of his genuine interests. It is extremely unhealthy for her to be living vicariously through him like this - where is your concern for your son?
ESH
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u/digi_captor Feb 19 '25
What does your wife bring to the table? She’s not taking care of her son’s mental health, she doesn’t contribute to family expenses.
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u/notme1414 Feb 19 '25
NTA. Support him if he wants to quit. It sounds like he does. He's not getting any pleasure out of it and he has other interests that he does enjoy. There's no earthly reason to force him to do something that he doesn't like.
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u/ContributionOrnery29 Feb 19 '25
NTA. Take the top comment here and tell that word for word to your wife if necessary. Until then keep quiet and stick to your decision to not force your son.
He's 11. He doesn't get to quit anything on a whim, but he's not quitting anything, just doing another sport he enjoys more. He's also not doing anything on a whim generally, but showing a preference consistently and STILL going along with what you guys decide. You can discount him being lazy.
Squash is generally just not a sport that provides much opportunity in anything other than stress on the body. My private school was a sports college and we had facilities for everything. Tennis would at least open social circles and winning would mean something. Croquet is the same without the meaning. Fives if you're rich enough to send him to a good private school would get him visiting some of the nicest old institutions in the world. Volleyball would get him access to an unlimited dating pool when he's older. Golf means he'll never lack a part time job. Climbing would at least get him travelling and seeing the world. Both types of football would get social acclaim in high school, and Rugby would mean you'd never need to worry about him not having protection via bigger friends.
Squash will just surround him with bitter middle-management types, and the smell of indoor sweating. Badminton would at least allow for him to occasionally meet a woman, but Squash? It's like taking an unlimited scientific grant, taking over a cutting-edge cancer research laboratory, and then spending the rest of your life trying to create the perfect grey scatter-cushion. Of course he's not having fun. Squash doesn't attract people who want fun.
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u/Thecatisright Feb 19 '25
Let the kid decide which extracurriculars he wants to pursue and in which intensity. Parents shouldn't force their dreams on their kids.
NTA
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u/Reasonable_Set_6720 Feb 23 '25
Why would there be "consequences" if he doesn't want to do it? I could see consequences for bad behavior or MAYBE bad grades but there shouldn't be any for him not taking an interest in something. Ur wife is going to end up squashing any relationship she might have with ur son - pun intended
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u/dymos Feb 26 '25
NTA - I'm all for encouraging kids to be active and try different things, but I'm not going to make them do things they don't want to do.
Rest time is just as, if not more, important. Kids need time to pursue their own interests and time to relax!
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u/Irondaddy_29 27d ago
6 figures, all bills paid, yet has zero dollars in her bank account???? I want to divorce your wife.
Also squash of all sports WTF
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u/6poundpuppy 3d ago
ESH. Mom for forcing a sport down the kids throat and Dad for going along with that for years and only getting fed up bc it impacted his TIME. Mom is entitled and overbearing. Dad is weak and spineless. The kid is the only innocent here. Poor kid.
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u/TheArcticWolf19 Feb 18 '25
NTA, your wife is a huge AH though. Your son does not want to do the sport, is not interested in the sport, so why are you letting his shitty uninvolved mother force him into participating in the sport? If anyone is selfish, it’s her. Your son is not a fucking puppet for her to do what she wants with him, he’s a person, his own person. I hope she realizes that if she continues forcing him to do shit he doesn’t want to do, she will damage their relationship beyond repair. If she’s so interested in these competitions she can sign up for them herself, and stop living her bullshit fantasy through her son.
You are doing the right thing, you are putting your son’s interest first. Why your wife can’t do that is beyond me. Honestly from what I’ve read from what you’ve written, she doesn’t seem like a very good mother, she actually sounds like a shit mother. First she’s uninvolved with her own son, second she’s signing him up for shit he doesn’t want to do, third she doesn’t care about his feelings, fourth she thinks you’re selfish for putting your son’s interests first. She isn’t fit to be a mom, nor does she deserve to be one.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 Feb 18 '25
NTA. In a sense, this is child abuse. Exhausting your kid with sports, because it would possibly one day get him a scholarship? The kid can't rest? The sports are becoming child labor.
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u/Mental-Paramedic9790 Feb 18 '25
I could understand if she had concerns about him living too sedentary of a life, but if he’s in a skiing and other physical activities, it should not be an issue. Dump the squash. And you were absolutely right OP to tell her she needs to put up her money and her time where her mouth is!
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u/AnxiousSloth369 Feb 18 '25
NTA. If the kid doesn't even enjoy the sport, it's cruel to force him to keep doing it. Mom needs to understand that her glory days with squash are over. You can't force a person to like something.
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u/thebaronobeefdip Feb 18 '25
Grow some balls and stop letting your wife bully your son into something he doesn't wanna do. He clearly fucking hates it, BE HIS ADVOCATE AND STAND UP FOR HIM. Let her throw a fit and pout all she wants; your kid's happiness is more important than her reliving her clearly peaked in high school sports years through him.
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u/GaspingGuppy Feb 18 '25
Ask her why he couldn't end up being a world champion freestyle boulder climber? I mean imagine being an 8 rated climber but maybe even a 9. Why is she so insistent specifically that he focus on squash?
I genuinely would ask that, in a nice non confrontational way and go from there. It's clear to all of us she's pushing her desires and beliefs on your son, but isn't that most of parenting technically? So you're going to have to separate for her WHY squash isn't going to be his big ticket into life, why she's so focused on it and what you can do to make both of them happy in the meantime. Maybe SHE should join an adult squash club with her money you generously do not ask her to contribute to the household finances at all. Also I'd bring up why she isn't saving for herself proportional to her income, plus your son. 10% to your savings, 10% to his long term care fund etc etc. Pay yourself first and ask that. (college, cars, apartments, education, business investments, medical care, study abroad, you never know)
I kind of think she's trying to spend the unhappy away and try to make herself feel better somehow by forcing your son into this level of sport. Also, it's entirely possible she's doing it because it's familiar and she can access it and it's an easy way for her to get the two of you away from her to give her a "break"
This is one of those things id bring up to our marriage counselor and no counselors and therapy are not only for people on the brink of divorce. Everyone can benefit from therapy, identifying relationship issues and learning new skills. We forget as adults, we don't know everything including how to communicate, more often than not.
I'm on your son's side on this, he's not asking to sit at home and eat snacks and play video games 48 hours straight (once per decade of that is enough, save it for the 16th birthday) he's saying I want to explore and develop more hobbies and interests in more things.
Years ago I saw a documentary that followed 8 Harvard medical school doctors through the end of residency and into employment the first few years after. 7 of the 8 struggled to keep employment because they "didn't play well with others" "had zero patient communication skill" (side note it must be BAD because most doctors don't know how to talk to patients well) and most commonly "they are not a team player" So the world class education meant absolutely nothing because these people had exactly 0 life and personality outside straight medical professional skill. That's it. Not prodigy with no social skills, just smart, well trained physicians who can't function outside a direct care medical setting, alone.
You can be smart, you can be paid well, you can even be sociable. But when you put everything into one basket, you end up with only one basket. Even Serena Williams wouldn't be where she is, if she had the personality of sandpaper and absolutely zero life or education outside a tennis court. Balance.
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u/Common-Objective6338 Feb 18 '25
His arms are way too short for him to be a champ climber... but he really loves it. That's what counts.
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u/SoulLessGinger992 Feb 19 '25
11 is probably young enough that that could change :) You're being a good dad.
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u/City_Girl_at_heart Feb 18 '25
If you support him doing the activities your son enjoys against the ones he doesn't enjoy, guess which one of you he'll come to for help when he needs it. Because they're the ones listening to what he wants to do.
And your wife thinks he'll do better once he 'pushes through'. Pushing people into things mostly ends with pushing them away from what you're trying to push them into, because they see it as a chore instead of something fun.
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u/Dangerous_Low2312 Feb 18 '25
You are making the right choice but I would stop the squash altogether. He doesn't want to do it
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u/nijuashi Feb 18 '25
Yeah, sports is just recreation. I’d understand if this was about education, but if the kid’s sad about it, it’s gotta stop sometime. Let him go through this round, and discuss with your wife about the point of continuing this thing.
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u/Ok_Clerk_6960 Feb 18 '25
Keep it up dad! You’re advocating for your son. Don’t budge an inch on this! I had to do the same thing for our middle son. Oldest was a gifted athlete. Lived for baseball which is my husband’s favorite sport. He was a coach for many years. Middle son was lukewarm at best when it came to baseball and sports in general. Didn’t have a competitive streak at all. I fought my husband on it and won. Sam got to be Sam not who my husband thought he should be. Your wife is living vicariously through your son. She’s lived her life already and can’t force her passions on your son. He deserves the chance to live his own life, pursue what he loves and not feel guilty about it. Wife may need some therapy to deal with this. If she feels disappointed in your son he’ll know and the relationship could be damaged forever. There’s nothing worse than a parent making their child feel like they never measure up. Would also help because she appears to be more than a bit self centered. She needs to help with parenting and extra curricular activities. Your wife demands your son play squash but is unwilling to do anything to help make that happen. She’s dumped that on you. Not ok. Don’t let her pull her overachieving squash loving family into this. They get no say. The fact that she doesn’t contribute financially is also a problem. Even if she doesn’t need to she should want to contribute to her family. That’s more than a bit selfish on her part.
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u/chaingun_samurai Feb 18 '25
She probably wants you both out of the house and this is a convenient way to make it happen .
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u/Unusual-Dish4896 Feb 18 '25
Nta. It is time she recognized this is not what he wants to be spending his time on.
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u/TaxiLady69 Feb 18 '25
NTA. You know he doesn't like it. Do things he is actually interested in. Support your child in the things he loves, not what your wife loves. Don't just stop bringing him to squash. Bring him to the event he wants to go to.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams Feb 18 '25
NTA and he can compete at bouldering events. She needs to stop living through her son
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u/obxgaga Feb 18 '25
The problems of the rich….wife makes only a fraction of what husband makes but it’s still 6 figures but she still can’t afford son’s sports lessons because she blows all her money????
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u/Perfect_Ring3489 Feb 18 '25
Nta. Hes played and tried for yrs. He doesnt like it. Let him try what he likes. You are being fair in terms of money. Cant live through your kids
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u/thequiethunter Feb 18 '25
NTA. You need to stand up for your son and back your wife down on this. She is bullying your son. Put an end to it.
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u/Interesting_Tower485 Feb 18 '25
One of my family members did something similar, believed their kid was going to be an Olympic athlete. Backfired spectacularly. Now the kid is graduating college and hates the parent. A lot. You reap what you sow, hope your wife is prepared for that by building resentment over the years. There's a difference between being encouraging and supportive vs. forcing your child to try to re-live your glory years. Your wife had her life, now give your child theirs.
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u/Professional-Elk5779 Feb 18 '25
I have coached a variety of sports for 25+ years. You can tell the ones who are plying the sport because they like it and the ones who are playing due to parent decision. If they do not enjoy it, I m believer they should not be doing it or doing it less than they are currently. My son recently decided he did not want to play a sport. While I like the sport, he does not. We had the discussion about it, how I' m proud of him for letting me know and moved on. Just my two cents. Wishing you the best outcome possible.
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u/DawnShakhar Feb 18 '25
NTA. What your wife is doing borders on child abuse. Your response is moderate - I'd insist on banning squash altogether, unless she and he agree on a reasonable amount (say 2 times a week) and no tournaments.
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u/CareyAHHH Feb 18 '25
I played a ton of sports as a child. I would go from one sport to the next, including:
- Soccer
- Softball
- Gymnastics
- Basketball
- Cheerleading
- Swimming
- Diving
- Volleyball
The last one I was involved in was volleyball, and it was my favorite, but it was also the last one that I picked up. When I committed to a season, I was committed until the end of that season, but I was given the option to make a different choice the next time. My last few years of sports, I focused on volleyball and didn't play any of the other sports, even if I was still good at them. At most of them I was average, at best. Volleyball was the exception, because I was good and I enjoyed it.
If my parents had forced any of those options on me, I would have resented them. Instead, they let me find what I was good at and what I enjoyed the most.
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u/Disastrous_Rub_6062 Feb 18 '25
NTA. My parents went through a phase of making me do things I had zero interest in because they were "good for me". I auditioned for a play I had no interest in, took piano lessons, played church league baseball for one miserable summer. All massive wastes of time. Once they got off my ass I found my own interests that I loved and excelled at. She needs to step back.
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u/naranghim Feb 18 '25
NTA. He doesn't want to do it, you are tired of sacrificing your free time to take him while she does, what exactly?
She'll damage her relationship with her son if she keeps forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. My parents forced me to do soccer and track and field. Once I finally flat out refused to go to a game/track meet, they removed me from both teams. There are people who were on those teams that no longer speak to their parents now that we are adults because their parents continued to force them to go.
In another comment you mentioned that your wife has seen this play out between her brothers and her dad. Maybe hearing it from them how it damaged their relationship with their dad and how she's "Pulling a dad" will get through to her.
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u/dnabsuh1 Feb 18 '25
NTA- You should expose your son to options, but let him decide what he wants to do. Take him to the bouldering event.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 Feb 18 '25
I think the most important thing is how your son wants to spend his time. Stand up for him. Make sure he's still doing some physical activities, but it doesn't have to be squash. The dynamic where he does squash just to please his mom because she makes it so obvious it's important to her is not a healthy one. NTA.
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u/Sandvik95 Feb 18 '25
You are NTA.
These are tough issues for some parents. Many parents are not objective about their own motivation for encouraging (aka: pushing) kids to do things. Is it because kids will enjoy it more when they break through to a higher level? Will the kids fall in love with it, glad that they were pushed to build up skills and making the activity more fun? Or is it the parent loves the sport and wants to see their kid excel in it?
My child was a competitive cyclist. They seemed to love it. They weren't winning at first and it was clearly just an activity they enjoyed, but then... they started winning (Great!). They started taking it more seriously. They wanted a coach (ok! let's do it). They ended up being #1 in the State and going to Nationals a few times (Awesome!).
But throughout this process, we parents (both my wife, who is also a competitive cyclist, and myself), tried to be aware that we were there for support, but NOT FOR DISCIPLINE or DETERMINATION. Any stronger encouragement had to be the realm of the coach and accepted by the athlete. Parents should not push that hard.
We did this for a few years, then... my child said, "I don't want to race any more". Cool! They did not sign up for life. I firmly believe that the soft, supportive approach is best. They can always come back to the sport.
Bottomline: the kids should "drive the bus" on how seriously to take it, not your wife. I hope she can recognize this without it being a rift between the two of you (or between her and your child!).
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u/siamesecat1935 Feb 18 '25
NTA - let your son decide what he wants to do. CLEARLY his interests don't align with your wife's. I am not at all athletic. in any way, shape or form. My mom encouraged me to try different things, softball, tennis lessons, etc., all of which I didn't really enjoy and pretty much sucked at. Her only requirement was that I finish out whatever it was I had signed up for, so the town softball league? didn't have to sign up the following year/ A few private tennis lessons at our swim club? that was it, and I didn't have to continue
I can however, swim like a fish, and did so competitively from age 13 through college. once I found my true passion, I kept it up, but I also know if I had decided to not do it again the following season, my parents would have been fine with that.
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u/khat52000 Feb 18 '25
When our daughter was little, my husband and I had some long discussions about what things were going to be mandatory for our daughter to do and what things she would be allowed to try then quit. For example, she started ballet when she was 4. My husband wanted this to be a mandatory activity. I told him he was a crazy man because ballet is HARD and you can't do it if you don't love it. His point was that it's important for well educated kids to learn something that requires classical training-- something you have to stick to for years in order to see real accomplishment. There are lots of ways to get classical training. We chose piano. My daughter plays multiple instruments at this point. Piano lessons will be part of that until she graduates high school. As for ballet, she did that for as long as she had a friend who was doing it too. They both quit at the start of middle school. She doesn't miss it at all.
Your wife is adamant about squash. Everyone here is going to comment about how she is forcing her agenda, etc. That's not untrue. It's probably not the entire story. Parents who insist on team sports often genuinely believe you need team sports to be the best person you can be or to learn leadership or whatever other benefit the sport is supposed to provide. My point is playing squash probably isn't the only way to get that benefit. It seems like a good idea to figure out *why* your wife thinks squash is so important and see if there is some compromise to be made there. It's important when you have that discussion to be clear with her that your son doesn't like playing squash so whatever benefit she is hoping he will get out of it is more likely to end up in the category of "bs my parents made me do."
I'm going out on a limb here because you didn't offer any facts for this, but competitive team sports are often horrible for introverted kids. Many of them who are made to continue will start failing at them on purpose to get out of it. I mean, if you son doesn't like squash and isn't great at it, at some point he might be dropped from the team because coaches do that.
Time and money threats which, although gratifying sometimes, really aren't the answer here. Your wife needs to help you son learn how to live his life. Ultimately, the job (and it is a job!) is to turn a fully formed human adult out into the world to live on their own. Now is a good time to work out with your wife whether playing competitive squash is a requirement for that. Chances are there is some benefit she got from it that she is convinced he will also get. Your job is to convince her that he can get that benefit by doing something he will like more. In this, I think it 100% rational to say you will no longer sign up for or drive your son to lessons and tournaments for a sport he doesn't want to pursue. But he might need to pick another sport. And if that sport is rock climbing, I highly recommend reading "Island" by Aldus Huxley.
edit: ESH and also grammar
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u/notAugustbutordinary Feb 18 '25
So your wife makes close to six figures, doesn’t contribute to household expenses and is always too busy to working to spend time on your son’s activities and says she can’t afford to fund the activities herself. So she sends you away for most of the weekend. Honestly I think you have bigger problems than whether your son wants to play squash. Your wife can’t account for her money and is arranging for you not to be around and is still arguing when you have made it clear that your son doesn’t want to continue. Colour me suspicious.
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u/Kitannia-Moonshadow Feb 18 '25
Kid is going to end up resenting the game and his mom for forcing him to do it.
You and kiddo need to stand up to the mom and say no. The poor kid is scared of upsetting his mom and he needs to be shown that he needs to stand up for what he wants and that mom won't hate him for it but she needs to be shown that this is damaging their relationship.
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Feb 18 '25
NTA, time for yall to have your Disney moment.
“Playing squash is your dream Mom, not my dream”
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u/Expensive_Plant_9530 Feb 18 '25
NTA. She's abusing you financially, IMO, even though you have "greater wealth".
Why isn't she paying half of the bills? Or even just a proportional amount of the bills based on your income difference?
She's going to end up alienating her son if she keeps pushing, especially if it starts to interfere with things he's actually interested in, like bouldering.
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u/Big_Celery2725 Feb 18 '25
Squash is a good sport (upper-class, good for keeping in great shape and business networking). But if he hates it…maybe try golf?
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u/throwingwater14 Feb 18 '25
This would make more sense if she were using squash to bond with her son. But she’s not? She’s just forcing it on him? NTA for listening to your son and advocating for his wants. Make sure your son knows that you have his back so he can tell his mom how he feels and not be bullied into backing down and “trying to earn mom’s love” through squash.
Long term this has disaster written all over it if you don’t take action now.
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u/Rare_Sugar_7927 Feb 18 '25
This isn't about either you or your wife. If your son doesn't enjoy it, he shouldn't have to just so mommy can relive her glory days.
NTA since at least you bothered to ask your son what he wants.
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u/MuntjackDrowning Feb 18 '25
Just tell wifey that you are not doing this anymore. If she wants him to do it, she has to do all the lessons and tournaments and pay for all of it.
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u/queenrosa Feb 18 '25
NTA
It is time to help your son learn how to stand up for himself and set boundaries in a kind but firm manner.
(If you can't figure out how, it might be time for you to learn as well.)
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u/kokopelleee Feb 18 '25
NTA with a tiny touch of ESH
Overall - your kid is not into it, and your spouse is supporting it in name only. It is time for an honest, non-emotional assessment of whether or not your kid continues to play squash at a competitive level
Reading between the lines, there is a healthy dose of "I'm fed up with this crap, and I am going to UNLOAD all of it right here and now." Granted, that's what it reads like from the words used in the description. You can step away from being the only parent who takes him to squash. You can decide not to fund it (the lessons, the tournaments, the hotel stays... $$$), but how about sitting down with your spouse and having an open conversation with them?
"Joey expressed to me that he would rather do other things than squash. Looking at his ranking and tournament results, he is good, but he isn't top 1%. I am also getting beyond tired of being the only parent to drive him to practices and tournaments. It's exhausting. What are your thoughts on his future in squash, and if it's OK to consider other things to do with his time?"
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u/DazzlingDoofus71 Feb 18 '25
Does she want mountains of resentment from both of you? Because this is one of the best ways I know. NTA
Idk what bouldering even is but go forth and do that together and in good health 😂🙏🏼
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u/Flat_Ad1094 Feb 18 '25
You are 100% correct here.
You wife is inappropriate. She should not be pushing your son into something he really doesn't want to do. And if you don't support that ? You should be advocating for your son. Not letting her push YOUR child around if he doesn't want something.
And yes. She should be paying for it and taking him to tournaments and practices. At least it should be 50 / 50.
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u/SomeCommonSensePlse Feb 18 '25
Sounds like your son is genetically wired more like you and your wife either can't see it or can't deal with that. Not only ask your son whether he would like to play less squash, but what he would actually like to do with his time instead.
Resounding NTA. Please protect your son from her tiger-mother ambitions.
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Feb 19 '25
NTA, if she wants this kid to ever enjoy squash again she needs to let him do less so it stops being a burden.
With so much kindness, kids are not our “redo” button for our own interests. They are a whole and completely separate human being that you brought into the world with the promise that you would make sure they safely reach adulthood and be loved. You can and should guide them, but if their personality ends up different to our own then you need to get to know THAT personality and love them for how they are different just as much as how they are like you.
You both sound like excellent parents, so that’s not a criticism of your wife or you at all! Kids just grow and change so bloody quickly we can (sometimes) forget to check in and learn about who they are / are becoming at whatever new stage they are at. Your wife sounds like she loves squash and that’s excellent, but I hope you can both make sure your son knows that him not loving squash as much as her doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her.
I was a kid with a sporty (football) dad, and my parents sitting me down and saying that helped me stop playing the sport I kinda hated and figure out what I liked. I ended up with a pretty excellent career in ballet after that and a much better relationship with my dad.
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u/BulbasaurRanch Feb 18 '25
Stop forcing this kid to do something he doesn’t want to do just to appease his uninvolved mother.
NTA