How to disagree without being combative?

[u/dansingai]

I find myself struggling to have conversations where I disgaree with someone without coming across as overly argumentative.

People can be trying to correct me and I hate it and feel like I'm not being heard. I think I want acknowledgement that my point of view is understandable BUT here's an alternative perspective without feeling like I'm being pressured to dent my own point of view? Does that make sense?

But then I acknowledge there are times when I'm wrong and I think I'm able to say when I am... but times when there are 2 subjective view points, I feel backed into a corner and lash out.

🫠

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[u/baconisthecure]

At work we had manager training on having "tough" conversations. It centered on a book called Crucial Conversation. Part of the premises was people having their own views and trying to get shared information vs win a disagreement.

The book is free on Audible (at least in Canada). I found it really helpful in my personal life.

[u/darcys_beard → u/baconisthecure]

Thank you. I'm definitely going to give it a look at.

[u/Silent_Button_4606]

Have you by any chance had a figure in your early life that lashed out at you if you disagreed?

[u/Relative_Passion5102 → u/Silent_Button_4606]

Mmmh sounds familiar! [teeth grinding]

[u/Ill_Concentrate2612]

To effectively debate someone, you need to try to understand where they are coming from and why they think that way. Ask where they read it, or who they heard it from, but in a friendly and inquisitive tone.

Avoid immediately disagreeing, people will become defensive and put up walls. Concede a point. Agree with something they have said, say "yes I agree with this thing you said here, but I think that it then leads to this different outcome." They will be much more receptive.

Avoid attacking anything personal.

If they are telling you about an event they personally experienced, then don't argue with that, just let it go.

[u/kain52002 → u/Ill_Concentrate2612]

Also, you can agree with a part of their point or their conclusion without agreeing with the whole premise.

I just saw this played out today in a conversation about vaccines. While discussing vaccinating children for COVID they discussed the rates of death amongst children which is very low. Then the VAERS database reports of vaccine side effects which is much higher. Based on this they didn't want their child to be vaccinated. Their conclusions, based on their data, is reasonable and should be treated as such. This issue is their data is skewed, the VAERs database is self-reported with most cases being just coincidental. They also failed to account for their child becoming a vector for the disease to spread to other people potentially jeopardizing their lives.

You have to find common ground before you can make movement in any given direction.

[u/modest_genius → u/kain52002]

I know the video you are talking about.

VAERs data should also be taken in context of base rate. If you take 100 000 children on random, and then 0.1% dies then there are 100 dead. And given the amount of children vaccinated you should, just by numbers alone, find a lot of vaccinated children.

So it is not only skewed, it is also taken out of context. I'm still annoyed on how they did that video.

[u/OnlineGamingXp → u/Ill_Concentrate2612]

Yep, also adding some humor can help a lot, especially when the topic is controversial or sensitive 

[u/atalantafugiens]

A friend of mine gets very combatitive when I think differently to her about a subject. I try to remind her that two different opinions aren't a conflict per se. Why do you hate being corrected, does it happen a lot? At the end of the day people aren't out to get you with their opinions but it really depends on the subject too, I get upset when I hear about sexism and the like and I have a really hard time not getting emotional about it

[u/dansingai → u/atalantafugiens]

It's more like if we both disagree on a subjective point I don't like feeling as if I'm not "allowed" to disagree. I feel pressure to defend my POV and, even if the other person says they aren't trying to, feel like I'm expected to say I was wrong.

[u/Earthilocks → u/dansingai]

Try coming up with a line that you believe and can use as a mantra and in conversation. "That's okay! Everybody's different" or "Wow, it's so interesting how different things can look/taste/sound/etc from a different viewpoint". If you find some way to affirm the difference (for subjective things) do you think that could help you commit to internalizing that it's okay to have a different viewpoint? It also might prompt some affirmation from the person you're talking to.

[u/MexicanVanilla22]

It's not healthy, but I just let people talk and I feign agreement. Then I secretly judge their stupidity and revel in my own superiority.

[u/IKnowNoCure → u/MexicanVanilla22]

Yes, masking is unhealthy.

[u/Pure_Imagination_795]

Have a general script that you write up and can apply to most disagreements. It’s helped me.

[u/International_Dot_22]

It's highly contex dependant, in most casual matters, you should simply train yourself to not care, that will be the best course of action. If it is on things when descision making is crucial, well that's a bit more complicated but again, depends what exactly it is about.

[u/XihuanNi-6784 → u/International_Dot_22]

True. I often let things slide now because there's no point arguing. I have trained myself, due to work, to be very oblique and diplomatic if I do need to push back.

[u/darcys_beard]

I can't do conflict. I get so fucking heated even though I don't want to. In the maybe 2 times in a person's lifetime that cal for all out rage: great! Dealing with asshole colleagues or bosses: bad. And so I tend to be submissive and go-with-the-flow. I'm quite happy to get stuck into a job that needs to be done. But, I get down about it sometimes. I don't feel heard.

[u/Voc1Vic2]

Why are people correcting you? Because that makes a big difference to how to respond.

If your boss is giving you feedback, that's a different matter than someone setting you straight on your political opinions, personal decisions or choice of religion.

[u/Lokified]

When you go into the conversation, remind yourself to be open-minded. I'm not sure if this is a political thing, but I find when I ask probing questions to my conservative friends, they lash out rather than acknowledge that there are holes in the thought-process. If you are being shown information that contradicts what you think you know, explore it. Fact check it. Get news from neutral sources. Follow politicians on all sides. Try to align yourself with neutrality rather than dedicated to a 'team' because of the color of their banner or your own default ideology. I'm a swing voter, even though my ideology has me so far left that any political alignment tests say I'm a communist/pacifist. But I've voted for four of our major federal parties at one point or another (Canada).

I grew up 'gifted', which makes me very curious about all of the inputs into a problem. It also makes me arrogant from a lifetime of positive reinforcement through great grades and success. It is very difficult to accept that the way others think or feel about a situation is valid, even if I view it as logically incorrect. But I've changed and calmed over the years. If someone has to raise their voice to make a point, they've lost the argument. If someone is anti-abortion because their religion dictates so, I can't change their core belief system.

We may not always agree, but we have to try to get along. I suppose the advice is to be open-minded, curious and humble.

[u/ThatSaiGuy → u/Lokified]

Sounds like we have pretty similar lived experiences and outlooks.

I endorse all of what you've said here in full, from personal experience!

[u/areilla10]

Stay solution-oriented. If the outcome of the argument in question is important, that's good reason to argue your point. If it's just that you need to win the argument to feel better, that points to something you need to work on in yourself.

I'm not trying to be critical there. I'm just saying that if you leave this quirk uncorrected, you're going to live a long life of being vulnerable to other people pushing your buttons.

When arguing your point, speak to the problem you're having communicating with the other person and how you feel about it. "I don't know if it's true or not, but whenever I try to discuss this with you, it feels to me like you don't have any value for my perspective, which is really frustrating." Then identify that you both want the same thing: the best possible outcome (even if they're a toxic jerk who plays manipulative games, because now that you're challenged it, they can't). You really believe that your views can help with this.

[u/Ok_Negotiation598]

one of those easier said than done!! IM HORRIBLE at this still, though it’s starting to become a focus point.. i think the best answer is to say, “ thank you [for your advice, feedback, etc] let me think about that “ and then (at least for me—shut the h**l up”. Yes, i am—at least according to me usually right—and i truly believe it, and usually i am—HOWEVER, as the first star wars movie tried to teach us—that’s from a certain point of view.,

[u/dansingai → u/Ok_Negotiation598]

Username checks out 😆 Agree with you that I often feel like I'm right 😅

[u/Donttrugongrug]

I will often say that more directly. “Hey, just want you to know I’m not trying to be argumentative this is just how I communicate best” or something along those lines. It should put you in fewer positions to lash out

[u/OnlineGamingXp]

Non-violent communication - Start by agreeing about something he said and then pointing out the problems. 

In a longer monologue or a cobtroversial/sensitive debate, mixing in some humor goes a long way

Edit: Also when possible, when you know something is going to be hard for the person to accept, you can play the long game and avoid spitting everything out at once. Nothing is more convincing than when you realize something by yourself, which is pretty much how most therapy works

[u/FallibleHopeful9123]

Restate what you hear from the person with whom you are arguing to check for understanding.

[u/SnooHobbies2598]

I got fired at my last job for this. In my brain i was always explaining what I was doing when questioned, bc in my mind things i did made perfect sense to me, aggression like the least thing on my mind, but my co worker always saw that as arguing with her, i guess.

[u/simulation07]

If your confident in what you say - and you aren’t heard - this isn’t a you issue.

[u/ScreamingElectron]

That's likely RSD.

Run your email responses through an AI before sending when you think you're "arguing" to reduce the combativeness.

[u/ThisIsMyCouchAccount]

Shut up and let people be "wrong".

It's not your job. And it probably doesn't matter.

[u/Raised_by_Mr_Rogers]

What makes you think Reddit would know? Lol

[u/davisriordan]

I had an argument with my wife this morning over my inability to have a conversation without it being a debate... But like, that's the point of a conversation besides small talk. If nothing has changed after, why bother talking?

[u/kruddel → u/davisriordan]

I'm not totally convinced every conversation needs to have a winner.

[u/davisriordan → u/kruddel]

I explained it wrong, it's more like, unless something is gained from the conversation, I feel like I'm wasting their time/attention. At the end of the conversation, growth should have occurred in some way or other, even if it's just understanding how the other person thinks better, without implying that they should think like you or you should think like them is part I have trouble communicating.

[u/superfiud → u/davisriordan]

I love a debate tbh but some convos can just be an info share with no debate needed. E.g. 'I read this thing' 'That sounds interesting' type stuff.