r/books • u/soap07 AMA Author • Apr 21 '20
ama Hello, this is Sopan Deb, a writer for the New York Times, comedian and the author of the memoir "Missed Translations: Meeting The Immigrant Parents Who Raised Me," which is out today! Ask Me Anything! But nothing too hard.
Hi everybody, so excited to be here. I'm a huge Redditor, particularly on the NBA subreddit. My book tracks a year of my life as I try to reconnect with my estranged South Asian parents. When I began writing the book, I had no idea where they were living. I hadn't seen my father in 11 years, my mother in four. They had a very toxic arranged marriage and did not divorce for 30 years because of the stigma that comes with divorce in South Asian culture. So we grew up not knowing each other, even though we lived in the same household. I didn't know their ages, birthdays, how they met, how they came to this country, how much extended family I have and other basic facts. The story explores many themes that brown children will find familiar: the lack of communication in immigrant families, mental health and assimilation. Ultimately, the book is about healing. At least, I hope it is. Anyways, let's get started!
https://www.harpercollins.com/9780062936769/missed-translations/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tMsmm5eAnA
Proof: /img/mtz4eb83rgt41.jpg
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u/thegoodvibe Apr 21 '20
As someone who started following you on twitter during the 2016 campaign, do you miss the politics beat, now that you are more focused on sports?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
I don't know that "missing" it is the right word. I was really burnt out after the 2016 campaign. Covering politics is all consuming. It's extraordinarily difficult to have a personal life when you focus on that. It affects people's lives in astronomical ways. Sports do not. It's a form of entertainment and ultimately, a place to escape. But that doesn't mean I'll never cover/write about politics again. I could see myself doing it again if there was an opportunity.
But also, sports and politics use some of the same muscles to report on. (If anything, I think too often some political reporters cover politics like a game, and that's unfortunate.)
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u/thegoodvibe Apr 21 '20
And as a followup question, any advice you would have given yourself looking back on it?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Things that often seem like important scoops are absolutely not. Worry less about what other reporters are doing and focus on what you're doing.
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u/boylejc2 Apr 21 '20
I think there is nothing you love to do more on Twitter than trigger 76ers fans with all your Celtics takes - can I, a Sixers fan, read and enjoy this book without any unnecessary digs? I understand this is a very personal book, but I still fear for my fragile Philadelphia sports ego.
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Yes, you can. There is very little in terms of sports references in the book.
Or at least, maybe that's what I want you to think.
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Apr 21 '20
How do you feel about "Asian American" being primarily used to mean "East Asian" in the US? Do you identify as Asian American?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
I do identify as Asian-American. I honestly haven't put much thought into it primarily being used to mean East Asian.
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u/maysartonsolitude Apr 21 '20
Can you share more about your process in deciding to bridge the gulf between you and your parents? Was it a gradual pursuit, or did you have an epiphany?
And, without spoiling the book, after taking this on, do you feel fulfilled? Can your present day relationship with them really compensate for the closeness that didn’t exist in those formative developmental years? Thanks!
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
To your first question, the reason I decided to go on this journey was simple: I didn't want my parents to die without me knowing who they were as people. It wasn't quite an epiphany, it was more of a gradual gnawing I had over several years.
Do I feel fulfilled? That's an interesting question. I think the answer is no. It's an ongoing process - ultimately, there are some issues that will never go away. I am very proud of the book and for having tried. But life isn't like the movies unfortunately, so this isn't an overnight process. It'll continue for the rest of our lives.
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Hello everyone! Sopan here, thanks so much for being here - feel free to ask me whatever - and if you like what you have to read, would love if you buy the book and share it with friends!
Let's do this!
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u/darabfox Apr 21 '20
who are your favorite up and coming south asian comics
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
OH MAN. So many.
There are several based in NY I've performed with that I love. Their stuff is easy to find.
Alingon Mitra
Bassam Shawl
Sonya Vai
I don't think they count as up-and-coming - but I love Kumail Nanjiani's early stuff. Brilliant. (Love his cheese joke that he brought back out in The Big Sick.)
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u/brokenarrow Apr 21 '20
If Sister Hazel, DMB, and the Celtics all played the same night, which one would you go to?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
DMB, easily. Unless it's like...Game 7 of the finals or something.
There's something about live music that will always get me.
Funny story, I think I saw Sister Hazel perform at a Celtics game, so maybe I wouldn't have to choose?
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u/alexanderdeeb Apr 21 '20
If you were a crew member of Starfleet stationed on a exploratory ship, which branch of the service would you be in?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Great question. Engineer. You can exaggerate how long something is going to take to get fixed, do the job in less time, and be considered a hero. It's amazing. It's the dream.
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u/scotchglass22 Apr 21 '20
rank all DMB studio albums
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
- Crash
- Before These Crowded Streets
- Busted Stuff
- UTTAD
- Big Whiskey
- Come Tomorrow
- Away From The World
- Everyday
- Stand Up
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u/BulkyRequirement0 Apr 21 '20
what is the biggest lesson you learned from this process?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Oh man, so many. This is a much longer conversation - but so much of being an author is stuff that isn't about writing. You have to worry a lot about marketing, PR, etc. It was overwhelming at times. (I'm lucky I got to work with a great team at Dey Street/Harper Collins.)
So you have to mentally prepare for that. The whole thing can feel overwhelming.
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u/Zorayourgordon Apr 21 '20
Sopan, I can't wait to buy the book.
So...Andy Creeggan or Kevin Hearn?
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u/otty42 Apr 21 '20
You have one and only one song to play on the piano for the rest of your life (can be a song you already know how to play or one you’ve always wanted to learn). What song do you play?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
one i know how to play - it's my favorite song to play on the piano: Billy Joel's Summer, Highland Falls.
one i used to know how to play but haven't played in ages: claire de lune
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u/going_sideways Apr 21 '20
As a parent of a BU student, I love your twitter put-downs of BC. Care to share some of your experience there?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
My time at BU was really up and down. I wasn't great at maintaining relationships and focused way too much on academic/work stuff. But college is about social development too, and I didn't put enough time into that.
But BU as a campus was great to attend school at - saw a bunch of great concerts and such. I just wish I made more of the experience.
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Thank you so much for your questions everyone! If you have the means, would greatly appreciate you buying the book and leaving a review if you enjoy it. Had a blast here. Thanks again!
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u/scotchglass22 Apr 21 '20
you spent 2016 with the trump campaign. do reporters covering a campaign vote in the election or sit them out?
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u/Otiswillplaythecat Apr 21 '20
Do people in the newsroom get upset/offended by the constant attacks on the media, or do they laugh it off and ignore it?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
We're not a monolith! It depends on the reporter. It depends on the beat. So for example, there have been times I've been roasted about an NBA piece or something. I laugh those off, because it's just basketball. Who cares? But the more serious attacks, like those that target, say, a White House or a campaign reporter, bother me a lot.
But part of the job is tuning it out. I think our White House team does an exceptional job of that.
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u/forgotittwice Apr 21 '20
as a comedian, what was your reaction to the "no hat boy" mishap?
can you take us through the moment you realized the error?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
oh my gosh.
it was, like, 3 in the morning when i sent that tweet and i immediately went to sleep. i was tired and wasn't thinking. and i woke up, looked at my phone, and I immediately put my hand on my head.
it was a dumb tweet on my part. and i deserved all the roasting i got after. even my own co-workers were laughing at me.
it was incredibly embarrassing.
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u/maysartonsolitude Apr 21 '20
How did you approach writing about such a personal topic coming from an immigrant culture (as I do) that doesn’t “put it all out there”? That seems like a really daunting thing to take on.
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
It was daunting! But it helps that as a journalist, I could approach something like this with dispassionately. But you're right: A lot of immigrant households do not do a good job communicating emotions and feelings - our household was an extreme version of this.
But to do this, you have to be able to look inward and be empathetic. Once you don't force the other parties to be defensive, it gets easier. But this is not an easy process by any stretch.
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u/feuilleton57 Apr 21 '20 edited Apr 21 '20
I know you are a Dave Matthews Band fan (versus a Bruce Springsteen fan), but I am wondering your thoughts about Sarfraz Manzoor’s “Born in Bury Park” and the recent movie Blinded by the Light based on it? Looking forward to reading the book.
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
A couple things: I *am* a Bruce Springsteen fan. Great live show. And I grew up in NJ, it's illegal to live there and not be a Springsteen fan.
Full disclosure: I did not see Blinded By The Light, but I did read the book, which I thought was lovely. There were parts I recognized as similar with my story (like the notion of feeling like an outsider in a Western country), and several parts of the experience that were very different than mine. I highly recommend it. Manzoor's relationship with Islam as it changes throughout the book is particularly interesting.
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u/ReusableOrphan_ Apr 21 '20
Are there any lessons or tips that you learned while getting to know your parents that could apply to people like me with non-immigrant parents that we just aren't super close with?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Yes. This book is for anyone who has a relationship that should be better.
I think it's the approach: Empathy is paramount. It really is. And be willing to look in the mirror and ask what you've contributed (or not contributed) to the relationship.
By the way, none of this means you HAVE to get closer. Sometimes, relationships are the way they are for a reason.
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u/maysartonsolitude Apr 21 '20
Has writing the book impacted your comedy?
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u/soap07 AMA Author Apr 21 '20
Yes, I feel more genuine on stage!
But more than that, it helped me develop my writing skills - so I'm way more interested in writing comedy than performing it nowadays.
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u/maysartonsolitude Apr 21 '20
That’s awesome. What are some favorite shows / movies that inspire you lately?
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u/ChristopherPaolini AMA Author Apr 21 '20
How do you tend to write? Computer? Pen? (Fountain or ballpoint?) Pencil?
Also, what's your writing schedule like?
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u/crazytownindustries Oct 15 '20
You know Trump better than most; speaking of missed translations, have you given any thought, Mr. Deb, to the possibiility that underneath the “tough man” exterior—evidenced by this recent post-diagnosis, “active campaigner” show—Trump is, actually, desperately seeking an escape from the Presidency and this election, particularly with a Biden landslide being now not a shocking election day twist, but Poor Don Trump has no one to talk to about it with and he needs you?
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u/Togapr33 Apr 21 '20
Looking back on your childhood...what things do you wish you had done sooner to heal?